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Showing posts from 2014

A Tale of Two Cities

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I'm going to use this literary reference for tonight's blog post.  I want to introduce you to two different cities.  One is a place well traveled and familiar, the other is a place that is new and full of potential.  I need to let you know that while I know Charles Dickens penned A Tale of Two Cities I have never read the book, I do not even know the basics of what it is about.  Therefore, the parallels if any, are merely coincidental and have no merit on the story I am about to tell. She wondered one night down streets so familiar she didn't feel the danger that was lurking in the shadows.  She had become accustomed to the way the bricks jutted here and there along the path, as time and nature have a way of moving things about.  However, there where the streets met, was a danger she had never encountered, a threat she never thought would enter her safe haven.  You see she had found this city quite by happenstance so long ago. At first she was highly unsure of its offerin

When the Time Comes

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I wrote a post well over a year ago titled, " Between the Holding on & the Letting Go ". In this post I found myself in nearly the same circumstance as I am in now.  Now, it does not involve a man with similar life circumstances, but none-the-less it does involve a man.  A man, who promised me the world, or rather to always be in mine.  A man who showed me the engagement rings he was looking at, because marrying me is what he wanted most.  Then it all changed, as life is apt to do.  He began listening to what others felt.  They felt he was making a mistake, and me well, I was always praying he'd stick to his word. I fought the inevitable every step of the way, pushing harder and harder to regain what we lost from those early months.  Many, many months went by were the fight resulted in nothing more than a relationship tattered at the seams and a woman left with another broken heart.  Just as with the ex-Mr.  I gave and gave and gave, hoping beyond hope that just may

But Would You Still Say Yes?

I've had a busy day.  Run the Littles here and there, flat tire, work from home, spend time with friends, run the Littles here and there again, fix dinner, answer emails - busy.  While waiting for my oldest Little's choir performance to begin I goofed around on my phone, but even that couldn't give my wandering mind rest.  So I silenced my phone and placed it in my purse and pulled out my Bible.  Yes, I carry it everywhere with me.  Yes, I have a phone app, but there is just something altogether more special about turning the pages, feeling the leather binding, holding God's truths in hand.  And I read.  Right where I left off.  Sometimes I think God knows where we are and not just in life, but in all things.  2 Peter 1:5-9: "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to

Shared Secrets

Do you remember that feeling you had when you were younger, grade school or middle school even, when you saw two people whispering in front of you and they each stole quick glances in your direction?  That feeling of dread and the knot that formed in the pit of your stomach?  The feel of the sting of tears as they welled up in the back of your eyes and the lump as it formed in your throat.  The painful feeling of lost trust in a person you thought was your friend.  Or were you one that was doing the whispering?  As adults tend to think we have grown past those pithy moments of our youth where secret sharing was all the rage, but I have to believe we still hold fast to some bits of those childhood antics.  Why this? Tonight in our Bible study we wrapped up a 14 week series on Christianity vs. the Cults.  It was a fabulous study where we went into deep discussion on the different cults active in today's society and how they differ from the doctrinal beliefs of Christianity.  Perhap

Her News

Sometimes I wonder about the timing of things.  I wonder about the way circumstances  unfold and the way people move in and out of our lives.  I know that each person we come into contact with, even when the mind allows the briefest of exchanges to be forgotten it never forgets the imprint of a significant moment, leaves a imprint.  Think of each person.  Think of each thing you have learnt, good or bad, from every person that has entered you life.  In long term relationships that have ended, think now, with and without the rose colored glasses, in those brief exchanges remember the moment.  I'll wait while you close your eyes and reflect.  They taught you something didn't they?  They taught you what selflessness and selfishness look like, they taught you what love and hate look like, they taught you what wrong and right look like.  You see, these people are more than coincidence, they are purposefully woven into the fabric of your life.  Tonight dear readers I want to pull on

Lost Love

Do you ever just want to yell at God?  No, I don't mean like when you yell at the guy who cut you off in traffic, I mean yell at him over things that happen and demand of him the reasons for those same things?  I do.  I want to scream at him at the top of my lungs to ensure that he hears me.  No, not just hears me, but feels me.  Feels my pain.  People, I am so very mad at God right now.  You want to know an ugly truth about me?  I hate myself.  I hate that I am not good enough for another person's love.  I hate that no matter how hard I try, another person always steals the person I love away from me.  Each and every time.  I hate that I am so wrong for everyone that they run from me as fast as they are able and when the dust settles I am left holding a broken heart and lots of memories.  Always only memories.  Not plans for the future, just the moments of my past. Why?  I know this is an age old question and the heart of it is freedom of choice.  We as humans constantly get

I am Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving.  It is a day when we are to pour out our thanks for all things and find the blessing in all things regardless of what life has really thrown at us.  Today is a day where we are demanded by society to only see positives because after all, it could be worse.  Oh, dear, sweet society, yes it could always be worse.  I think we do that, though.  We like to discount people's pain most especially when we don't have the same pain.  We like to look at them and tell them, "be thankful..."  Just once, instead of telling them to be thankful for such and such, why don't we pull up next to them and feel with them.  Why don't we hold them while they cry.  Comfort them when they are shaking with hurt?  Truly this would be a wonderful way to show them that you care.  In turn, I promise, they will find thanks in that small gesture.  I would have found thanks in that small gesture. All day today I have struggled with my thoughts.  I have agonized over wh

Heartache

I have tried to put this post together many times over the past few days. Yet, every time I would get a few sentences in I would get distracted or have to run off to something the Littles needed me for.  In each of my attempts I have wanted to pour out the sadness, the pain, the heartache, and the agony that has consumed me.  Honestly I still want to do that.  I still want to cry all over this post.  I want you to see and feel what I see and feel.  To a point, there is still a chance that will happen here, tonight, as my fingers meet the keys.  But, to be honest, I think God gave me the distractions to keep the wrong words from coming out, the hurtful words.  Not in that I would have been mean, but in that I wouldn't have been fair.  We do that sometimes, don't we?  Most especially when we hurt, we use our words. He broke up with me.  This man that I had fallen in love with.  This man who I met last fall and spent several months getting to know before officially "dating.

My Journey: Truth vs. Lies

Have you ever looked back over a situation and wondered just how you made it through?  Me too.  In fact, I've been thinking over the past 2+ years a lot these past days and wondered where on Earth did the strength come from and where on Earth has it gone?  There are things I know to be absolutely true about me and then there are the things that I know are lies I tell myself because the truth would hurt all that much more.  Before you interject your ideas as to the difference between the two, allow me to explain.  Truths that I know about me: 1. I am a strong person.  Head strong that is.  I am a truly stubborn woman.  My grandma used to tell me that this would be my nemesis someday (my words not hers exactly, but it was the point given).  She was right, this is at times my undoing. 2. I am a weak woman.  Emotionally speaking.  I wear my feelings on my shirt sleeve.  I do not hide them nor do I sugar coat them.  This too, is my undoing.  (In fact, if I had to wager I believe t

Uncertainty

For those who have followed this blog for any length of time you know that I've had an interesting couple of  years in that my personal life was turned upside down.  So you know, this post isn't going to be about that; well, for the most part at least! One of the things that really hurts about the changes in my personal life is the fact that for  any and all burdens I face, in regards to my home life, fall solely on my shoulders.  As in I have no one to share the struggle with.  This brings me to the spot I have found myself in.  For the first time in my entire adult life I find myself facing an uncertainty that I do not know how to work through.  Yes, 2 years ago I was in the same boat for entirely different reasons and today I am here for a complete set of other ones.  If I am to be honest I have often shared with my close friends and family that this situation is one I'd be able to work through, one that I would be alright with because I trusted God completely with t

They're Just Miles, Right?!

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This past Saturday I crossed another first off of my running "bucket list".  This year has been wrought with many accomplishments as well as many set-backs for me, running wise.  I have shared with you my journey toward a 100 mile month, my joy in finally becoming a marathoner, and my heartache in being "benched" due to an ever common injury suffered by runners - a bum IT Band.  The road to recovery hasn't been easy.  In fact, it has been much harder than learning to run in the first place.  I mean, after all, I had to start over and that is NEVER an easy feat regardless of what it is you are starting over from.  But, that is a story for another time.  (Aren't they all?!?) I decided a couple of months ago the best way to not revert back to a coach potato was to sign up for as many races as I could - within financial reason of course.  Well, in the beginning, I ran a couple of 5Ks.  While I never reached, equaled, nor beat any previous PR I did prove to mys

The Struggle Within

I've taken many weeks off from writing, yes even in my private journals.  It isn't that I haven't had a desire to, quite the opposite really; it is more that I have been struggling with coming to terms with the thoughts in my head.  I won't lie, this battle, the one where I am struggling to be the confident, independent divorce is colliding with the career woman, single mom of three, who longs for a forever someone, is wearing me out.  People divorce is so very hard.  I have read countless articles, books, blogs, not to mention listened to radio programs, podcasts and other divorces' advice, but I am still not healed.   Listen to me, no matter what you may want to believe and some may convince you to believe, there is no cookie-cutter way to get through divorce.  Most especially if you were the one left hanging.  I've fought God, myself, and others in this process.  I've had good days and horrible days.  I've had days where I thought I could conquer th

Searching

I like scavenger hunts, always have.  I don't know if it is the thrill of finding the item on the list, or for someone like me who is a list maker, the joy of crossing off the item from the list.  When I was little and we would travel back and forth from home to the city, roughly a 3.5 hour drive (eternity for a kid), my brother or cousin and I would make up a list of things we'd have to find to pass the time - different state plates, landmarks, colors of cars, etc.  A few years ago my Sunday School class did a timed scavenger hunt around the town where our church is. We broke off into 4 man groups, all with the same list of clues and had to ultimately find the final answer.  In each of those times I can remember the smiles and the excitement and the sheer fun of the event.  However, those were just games. In life we often find ourselves searching, searching for something that can't be "crossed off a list" so-to-speak. I'm searching people.  I've looked

Giving Up

You know that feeling you get when you have been defeated?  First, to give it perspective.  I run.  A lot. I have ran many races 5ks through to a full marathon.  In each and every one of those I have never won, but I  have also never been defeated.  Therefore, the defeat I am speaking of does not compare to this.  The defeat I am talking about is the kind when you have given everything you have, when you have tried and tried and sought and there is simply nothing left and you are left with the exact same result - nothing, that is the defeat I am speaking of.  The kind of defeat I'm talking about leaves you empty.  No, it leaves you more than that, it leaves you void of feeling.  So much so you could almost say you are to the point of apathy.  Have you felt that kind of defeat?  If not, please know you are among the select few who know naught of the soul-crushing agony it evokes.  This is where I am.  I am void of feeling.  I am to the point where I do not know what is up nor what

Sunday School

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Do any of  you remember Sunday school from when you were little?  I do.  I remember the felt board stories of those famous Bible characters and how my teachers would bring the lessons to life as they moved them about the board.  Sometimes I miss the innocence of those story boards, of those lessons.  I'd like to say, other than memorizing the story, that I remembered the meaning behind it.  Fast forward a few decades and Sunday school takes on a whole new meaning.  It gets real now people.  It takes those same stories and drives them home.  These are real things that affect real life, today.  I've been struggling with some things for the past several weeks.  There are lessons that I had heard and didn't find their relevance and now, after many deep talks with a man that I've willing given my heart to, there are many that have a one-two punch where it comes to relevance.  I go to his church on Saturday nights and his Pastor has been preaching a series that quite frankl

Why Does Trust Hurt So Bad?

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People, I'm a hot mess.  I'd like to say it was all because of something new that is happening in my life, but it isn't; it is the same thing. In the past few weeks and in the next couple, many of my friends have either gotten married or are celebrating their wedding anniversaries.  While, yes, I am happy for them and have celebrated with them (attended said nuptials) I am broken over where I am.  I am 84 days away from the 2 year mark!  2 years people!  I know, I can hear you all now saying "that is all?  Give it time Mandy, give it time."  Of course, so that you know, those of you saying this are also the ones who I have celebrated with and congratulated in these past weeks.  In other words - YOU HAVE NO PERSPECTIVE ON HOW THIS FEELS!  Seriously, people who have not been on the receiving end of a divorce DO. NOT. KNOW.  HOW. IT. FEELS!  And, for those who are remarried from a previous divorce (regardless of which side) have simply forgotten the pain that is asso

From the Rearview

I began this post on June 25th. A year in the rearview... Most folks do a year in review January first, because you know, it signifies the beginning of a new year, a new beginning, new opportunities.  Well, as you know, I'm not "most folks!" I decided to use today as my year in review.  Not because I think I am above or different or anything of the sort, but because quite clearly it has been one year.  One year that my divorce has been final - that is as of yesterday. Also, yesterday being my birthday. You know there were so many things that I learnt last year. So many lessons, so many things I found.  Things I found out about myself, things I wished I wouldn't have found out about myself. Things I found out about others, things that you really find what others are made of - not just yourself.  This past year has just been one of many ups and many downs. Time and again people equate life to a roller coaster; I think it's a great visual.  I mean for those who

When Angels Sing

One year.  That is what it has been since my grandma went home to sing with Jesus.  I miss her.  I know wanting her back is completely selfish on my part, but I do. I want her back.  She was the only "adult" in my life that truly got me.  (Yes, my bestie does, but really, it's not exactly the same.) Have you ever had that person you could call up and talk to for an hour (or more) about anything and everything and even though some of the stuff that you are telling them you know is stuff they should probably be giving you a tongue lashing for, they don't?  That was grandma.  Don't get me wrong, she'd give her advice, but only when asked.  I miss that.  I miss having someone I can talk to that understands the way my brain works, but understands more the truth of God's word and how to put the two together.  I'm sure that sounds weird and altogether out there, but grandma knew the Bible and when something didn't add up, despite her obvious short-comings

A Bit of Follow-Up

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The other night I was in a great deal of emotional pain regarding this topic of being a step-mom.  I've had a couple of days to think about it and calm down.  You see, I know that no matter what, God has my back.  That even though I may not have wanted a divorce and as surely as divorce is not what God wants, it happens.  And because it happens, God gives people second chances at forever.  Sure, nothing is ever the same, but that doesn't mean there can't be something new and special and in some cases a greater blessing because of it. However, another thing I know is that it is going to be work.  A LOT OF WORK.  I know that; just like all the other things that can go wrong in life, all the other battles, struggles, and lessons to learn from in life, this is just another example.  I also know that God doesn't send us out into the world without first giving us the means to find the answers.  In fact, He gave us the answers before we even knew what the questions were goin

Talk Radio

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I am not normally the kind of person who seeks out talk radio.  I've tried.  I mean really, really hard to listen to it, and in the listening to it I've tried even harder to like it.  Some days I can say that I did (like it), others, well, not so much.  I listen to a local Christian radio station. I have had many times when just at the right time the right song would come on the radio and speak to my heart concerning a particular situation that I am dealing with.  So naturally, today, as I was driving to work (much later than normal because I had an appointment) and heard the topic of the mid-morning talk radio I was ecstatic.  I mean, here was something for me to learn from.  Something for me to take and grow from.   Something that I knew would benefit me in the future.  The topic?  101 Tips on being a Step-Mom. I would be lying if I didn't say about 5 minutes into it I didn't want to change it.  I did.  I did not like what the family therapist had to say.  I had eve

Focusing on the Right Picture

I have had a rough few weeks. This morning, as I was sitting in church, it  hit me that I was focusing on the wrong picture.  Here's the thing, I know that in the pursuit of finding some peace in the past year and 8 months I have actually taken some of that away from myself.  I was looking at the things that I don't have, the things I can't do, and the people that I have lost. Today God reminded me of something far more important. Today He reminded me that we are each unique.  We are each going through something and that, yes, though it hurts it is the person at the end of it that He is trying to form.  I know it may seem weird, but I found comfort in that, and in so doing realized that even with all the don'ts and can'ts I have a beautiful list of do's and have's. 1. I am divorced = I do not have a husband.  This is true, I don't.  But I did have the honor once of being a bride and a wife.  Many do not get this, for whatever reason.  Even now, when it