Monday, July 28, 2014

Why Does Trust Hurt So Bad?

People, I'm a hot mess.  I'd like to say it was all because of something new that is happening in my life, but it isn't; it is the same thing. In the past few weeks and in the next couple, many of my friends have either gotten married or are celebrating their wedding anniversaries.  While, yes, I am happy for them and have celebrated with them (attended said nuptials) I am broken over where I am.  I am 84 days away from the 2 year mark!  2 years people!  I know, I can hear you all now saying "that is all?  Give it time Mandy, give it time."  Of course, so that you know, those of you saying this are also the ones who I have celebrated with and congratulated in these past weeks.  In other words - YOU HAVE NO PERSPECTIVE ON HOW THIS FEELS!  Seriously, people who have not been on the receiving end of a divorce DO. NOT. KNOW.  HOW. IT. FEELS!  And, for those who are remarried from a previous divorce (regardless of which side) have simply forgotten the pain that is associated with it.  After all, they are  now in another committed relationship. 

I'm tired of the tears.  I'm tired of the constant fighting and struggling with God over this.  Yes, I fight with Him.  Yes, I know I will never be the victor.  He is, after all God and I am merely a person - and a broken one at that, but fight I do.  Why?  Well, it all comes down to this, this one simple thing right here - Why?  Why am I so undeserving, unlovable, unwanted, un-every-cotton-picking-thing-in-the-world that God wouldn't allow me to have a husband?  Or at least one that stayed? For those of you that want to sit there and say things like, "at least you got to have one" or "at least your children still get to see their dad" and any such thing like that, well, thanks, but no thanks.  That DOES. NOT. HELP.  In fact, that makes things worse.  How you might ask?  Because that is the daily reminder that I was a conscious decision to be thrown away. 

So, I've come to a decision on what I am going to do.  I'm giving up.  It hurts, but I have no other choice.  The Bible has said that I should delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart.  It also says that God loves me so much.  And more still it says I should trust the Lord in all things.  I want to tell you  that I am that woman right now, but I am  not.  I am so very, very far from her at this point in time.  In fact, if I were to be honest I don't know if I will ever find her again.  Oh, don't misunderstand what I am saying.  I still believe 100% in my Lord and Savior.  I still believe that He died for my sins.  But I have nothing in me that believes He cares one lick for how broken I am.  I don't believe that He truly cares for the pain and longing that I feel.  I also don't believe that He will ever allow me to experience the joy and beauty of the sanctity of marriage again. 

If I liked cats I'd probably be a cat lady.  Oh, you can go on and on about how I need to get off this pity party, but it isn't that.  No, this is bigger than that and you are missing the point if that is what you are focusing on.  The point to this is that God does NOT give us the desires of our hearts.  So I'm left with simply, God and Him alone.  I am stuck being a 36-year old, single mother of 3 girls who wants nothing more than to be good enough for a forever someone.  And the good Lord knows above all else what I want, but I know He isn't Santa and well, Christmas only comes for others.  So, that leaves me with one last thing to share.

I'll continue to love the Lord because He loved me enough to save me from my brokenness and for that, truly, there is no other thing in life worthwhile.  I'll find a way to be okay always being the single friend.  I'll find a way to find me, myself, a worthy companion.  I'll find a way to be content with the woman I am.  I will find a way to be ok with being alone.  And one of these days, I WILL find a way to trust God. After all, the Bible also tells us:

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

From the Rearview

I began this post on June 25th.

A year in the rearview...

Most folks do a year in review January first, because you know, it signifies the beginning of a new year, a new beginning, new opportunities.  Well, as you know, I'm not "most folks!" I decided to use today as my year in review.  Not because I think I am above or different or anything of the sort, but because quite clearly it has been one year.  One year that my divorce has been final - that is as of yesterday. Also, yesterday being my birthday.

You know there were so many things that I learnt last year. So many lessons, so many things I found.  Things I found out about myself, things I wished I wouldn't have found out about myself. Things I found out about others, things that you really find what others are made of - not just yourself.  This past year has just been one of many ups and many downs. Time and again people equate life to a roller coaster; I think it's a great visual.  I mean for those who have been to Cedar Point and seen the multitude of roller coasters styles you can, at some point, take that picture and put it into your life.  And you can say, yes, right there.  Right there I was climbing that steep hill and right there is where I was just free falling, there's the loopty-loop, and there, there is where it ended.  But I got back on - again. And I think that is where I am at.

I am at that point where I don't want to get on this roller coaster again.  I don't even want to tell you I want to get in line for a different one. I know life is going to put me in a queue.  I'm going to get in there and I am going to be behind somebody else who's going to be on the same roller coaster, but they are going to have a very different experience of it. But that is what this is people, my experience of the roller coaster I just got off of. This is me looking back and reflecting upon what I have seen, what I have heard, what I have been through.  The joys, the sorrows, the pains, the heartache, the truths - yes, all three sides of it, and most importantly the glory.  The glory of a Father who never gave up on me even in those times when I gave up on him.

And I did. I gave up on him because I didn't want to listen, because I wanted to ride that roller coaster. I wanted to do it without a seat belt, in the front cart with my hands in the air shouting "look at me, I've got this thing!" In the end, I should have been in the middle, safely strapped - not following, not leading, but enjoying. 

Today, nearly a month after speaking this into my phone for me to type out later, I realize so much more about that year.  I realize how I failed myself because of some of the choices that I made and wish that I would have been stronger.  I wish that I would have listened to that still small voice and paid attention to all of those red flags, but I didn't.  No, what I did was let the loneliness of my situation overcloud my judgment and forego the lies for truths.  That is a hard pill to swallow.  The knowing and the wishing.  However, there is no going back in life.  There is no do-over, no mulligan.  There is taking the picture in the rearview and going forward from it.  There is knowing which queues to get into and which ones to avoid.

I may not be where I want to be today, but I do know that I have come very far.  I also know that I have lost some of the blessings that God had reserved for me because of my defiance and because of that I will never know what He had planned for me.  Those are my regrets.  I wish I would have stayed strong enough to let God be God.  Instead I am where I am, glancing in the rearview.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

When Angels Sing

One year.  That is what it has been since my grandma went home to sing with Jesus.  I miss her.  I know wanting her back is completely selfish on my part, but I do. I want her back.  She was the only "adult" in my life that truly got me.  (Yes, my bestie does, but really, it's not exactly the same.) Have you ever had that person you could call up and talk to for an hour (or more) about anything and everything and even though some of the stuff that you are telling them you know is stuff they should probably be giving you a tongue lashing for, they don't?  That was grandma.  Don't get me wrong, she'd give her advice, but only when asked.  I miss that.  I miss having someone I can talk to that understands the way my brain works, but understands more the truth of God's word and how to put the two together.  I'm sure that sounds weird and altogether out there, but grandma knew the Bible and when something didn't add up, despite her obvious short-comings, she was quite good at bringing you back to where the truth of it all lays.

I think it must be a special trait of grandparents, you know, to finally have that wisdom on how to love someone fully and not sit there and criticize their every move or to tell them what they should be doing or how to do it, because that is the way she was for me.  I wish Heaven had a phone because I long to hear her voice again.  I'd love to hear her say Mandy-maw one more time.  Then I'd just wait for her to tell me about all the new friends she has made, about how beautiful everything is, and yes, how she could finally sing!!!  Then I'd ask her for help - help to sort out what it is that I need to do.  How I am supposed to stay strong and independent and raise 3 little girls all by myself and not mess up financially and more importantly with just raising them right.  And they she'd sit there and tell me to just trust, that I'm probably not doing such a bad job now, but when it's hard and it hurts it is hard to see that.

And it is.  It is hard to see that.  Then I'd tell her how the girls are doing.  My biggest little with her breathtaking singing voice and her amazing artistic talent, my middle little who when she smiles her face lights up a room and how her team just one the division soccer tournament, and my littlest little who is so full of ornery and giggles and can say things that make a room erupt in laughter.  Then I'd tell her that it was a rough couple years being single and even harder not having her to talk to.  Then I'd say, but I'm here and God has kept me safe.  That I've set goals for myself and I've achieved them, that I've pushed myself too hard too and I have had to stop running so I could heal.  That I've met a man that just maybe will want me for forever and that I think she would really like him too.  That I miss the feel of her hugs and her blasted diet Pepsi cans laying all over. 

Even though there is so much more that I would love to share with her, I know that where she is now she is no longer in pain.  She is singing, praising, loving, laughing, and learning all at the feet of Jesus.  And I know that when angels sing, her voice is amongst them.

I love you grandma.