I wrote a post well over a year ago titled, "Between the Holding on & the Letting Go". In this post I found myself in nearly the same circumstance as I am in now. Now, it does not involve a man with similar life circumstances, but none-the-less it does involve a man. A man, who promised me the world, or rather to always be in mine. A man who showed me the engagement rings he was looking at, because marrying me is what he wanted most. Then it all changed, as life is apt to do. He began listening to what others felt. They felt he was making a mistake, and me well, I was always praying he'd stick to his word.
I fought the inevitable every step of the way, pushing harder and harder to regain what we lost from those early months. Many, many months went by were the fight resulted in nothing more than a relationship tattered at the seams and a woman left with another broken heart. Just as with the ex-Mr. I gave and gave and gave, hoping beyond hope that just maybe in all that giving I could win him back, but it was not to be the case, there was none of that to happen. I lamented for weeks and weeks on end, grasping at any text or FB poke that would come thru only to end up with more agony each and every time. I was allowing myself to be the girl that got the left overs. He had me controlled by that; maybe he knew, maybe he didn't.
However, the time has come. This past week and most specifically this past weekend has been one of great reflection. Time to really focus on who I am and what I have to offer another person. People you want to know what I learned about myself? That thing that I failed to recognize because I was distraught over the feelings of fighting a one-sided battle? I realized that I am good enough. I am worthy. It was him that was not worthy of me. I have love to give. I have a unique personality and outlook on life. I have appeal and a mind, albeit strong to a fault at times. I am self-sufficient, independent, and strong-willed. I am me. And me wants an equal to share life with. Share. Nothing more than share.
It took me a bit to get here, again. It took me having to stand up for myself and drawing a line in the sand. It took me telling myself that I am important enough to be important enough. It took me telling myself that even though there are a lot of fish in the ocean, God knows the right one for me and that it is ok to rest in that, even when it hurts to do so. It took me telling myself, "when the time comes you will know." And you know what? Last night and today - the time came. I will miss the holding on, I will hate the letting go. After all, there was a piece of my heart that was given there. Yet, I have a man out there that God gave me that will take all of my heart and he will love it back and nurture its growth and protect it from all the things that want to break it into pieces. He will not give me the left overs, no, he will give me a love that God designed for me, because mine was designed for him.
And my dear lovelies, when the time comes, whatever it is that you are facing, you will be ok too.