Monday, December 28, 2015

To Be Candid

Previously, as in just the last post, I told you about my insane love for Christian books that turn God's truths into practical application.  I think I may have also told you that I tend to read 3 to 4 of these types of books simultaneously.  I can't help it.  Perhaps it is the fear of actually finishing the book or it's the fact that I get caught up in a certain writer's prose that  I need the distraction of another's for the words to really sink in; and by distraction I simply  mean thought process.  I have so much that I want to write about.  Yet much of what I want to share I cannot - for fear.  Not fear that you random people will backlash, but fear that those I know will take my words and twist them so incoherently that the point will be lost in their interpretation of my thought.  Yes, this does weigh on me.

I want to be candid. I want to throw out the words, the feelings, and the struggles I am having.  I want to know I am not the only one in this position.  I want to know that there is balance and understanding and acceptance behind the knowing.  I simply want secureness and closure.  But, alas, we don't live in a world of absolutes.  No, we live in a world where you get the half-truths from others and the words they want to share to simply keep the peace.  It is sad, really.  It is sad that in a world where diversity is more commonplace than anything whole that people cling to the pieces more than the picture itself.

I know, I am speaking in riddles and vagueness, but it is truly wrapped in the bluntness of fact.  There is always that part of a person who remembers when and because of that refuses to accept the what if, most specifically when the now fully contains people that were never in the before.  I don't know if there are books out there for me to read, for me to find, to seek, and to learn the answers to my questions, but there has to be something.  There has to be because the struggle isn't worth all of the pain.  There shouldn't be this much tension.  Oh, I'm not certain of the quantitative value of the external tension, but the internal is enough to keep this writer medicated.

Where is the balance in the aloofness and the caring?  There is always a level of hurt for one when the other expresses an aloofness and yet, simultaneously it hurts to both care and not to.  Quite frustrating for sure.  I hope I haven't lost you with this random spewing of words, but I had to get them out.  They have been sitting here struggling for release and understanding.  There is an understanding I am certain.  There is a right answer with out a doubt.

One last thought that  has weighed heavily on my mind since I heard it.  During Christmas Eve service Pastor shared a story, a beautiful story (I love the Christmas Eve service so very much) and the last sentence read was that of a statement made by one of the characters in the story: "I am right where God wants me to be and that is a lot to live up to."

Oh, how heavy of a thought.

Blended families.  Step-parenting. 

Love, M

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Not my Strength Alone

I've been very lax in my writing to  you, or perhaps it is better said, in writing to myself.  Oh, yes, you are the reader, sure, but it is for my soul, my clarity, my health that I write.  Oh, I don't mean for that to sound, well, mean, but it is true.  It's been an eventful year.  I'd like to say that it has been all rainbows and roses, but honestly it has been rife with clouds and thorns as well.   But through those times, there has been growing and learning.  I think that there is a lot to be said in that.  Growth.  I think there is a reason we "grow" as a child, so that when we are older we don't remember the growing pains that we had to endure to get where we are.  Honestly, though, I think that growth as an adult is much, much harder.  The things that are learnt are above and beyond that of anything taught in a school book.  Real life doesn't have an answer book.

Speaking of books, I have a very particular pallet when it comes to what I read.  I love (LOVE) Christian "self-help" books.  I know that isn't what they are really referenced as, but they are the ones that take the lessons in God's Word and brings them to personal and life application.  These are the books I have more of than any other kind.  What can I say - I like to learn and grow.  Yet, when I look at myself I seem to see a person who is wholly stagnant in their growth.  Yes, I've endured much pain and heartache, but I have also not listened completely to all that I have been taught.

You see, I am really, REALLY good at hearing God tell me something, but I am NOT very good at LISTENING to Him!  There is such an epic difference.  If I were to list out the things he has spoke to me about and I listened and the things that he has spoke to me and I heard, well, I'm sure the obvious answer would jump off the page.  I struggle.  I have an honest to goodness problem that I think I am able to overcome, and can for some days at a time, then I fall.  I fail.  I do not have the strength to succeed for longer time than that.  I hate it.  I absolutely, positively hate that I can't conquer it.  Then I remember, each time, that I am trying to win on my strength alone.  Me.  But it isn't a problem where I am strong enough.

All the growing pains that I  have had.  All the lessons that I have learned and I still fail.  Because I need strength that does not come from me.  I need the strength that comes from the Lord.  I need the strength that only he can provide.  I HAVE TO HAVE THIS!  And if all the books I have read have taught me anything I also know that I cannot do it without the honest to goodness faith that the Lord alone will  help me.  That he is the strength enough that I need.  He wants me to do this. He wants me to learn that He IS.  HE IS!

Oh, how I need to head these words.  I fear the outcome of not.  It paralyzes me.  And yet I am not strong enough. 

Lord, please be my strength.

Love, M