I've come to a conclusion, one based on lack of sleep and several hours of crying. Yes, I am still doing that. It's ok. I'm ok with it. There is no timeline to this process. There is no right or wrong. There is no mold to fit into when it comes to grieving a divorce. Each person, each breakup, and definitely each situation, is different. I still cry. I still get overly emotional and downright inconsolable. Anyhow, back to my conclusion. One that didn't really dawn on me until I was replying to someone that means a lot to me.
You see, last night, I was a mess. I was reminded, yet again, just exactly how disposable I was. It was thrown into my face with such vehemence that I was literally left speechless by the words that were said to me by the ex-Mr. He fought for his new girlfriend. He defended her and all but screamed, in so many words, that he loved her. That is where I lost it. There are many little instances over the past couple of months were he has shown, expressed, down right forced it upon me that she is his. He is doing for her what he honestly never did for me.
Here is the thing, after much processing, I know what the real reason behind my pain is. I know that it isn't him that I still love. No, love takes a willing commitment and honest effort, that has been gone for a long time. It isn't love. What it is is the death of a dream. Most of us grow up with that idealized thought that we will find our prince charming and live happily ever after. I was one of those little girls. I used to sit and dream about being whisked away and given a romance that even Walt Disney couldn't compete with.
And that is why I am still heartbroken. My wishes and dreams didn't come true. Now that I am old enough to know better I can see they were poppy-cock, those childish dreams of mine. This ain't no fairytale. Life does not come with fairy God mothers, talking mice, dishes that dance and sing, or a rose that withers slowly. And in most certainly DOES NOT come with a prince charming.
That leaves me with what life does come with. It comes with experience, pain, heartache, mistakes, lessons learned, and questions. But to only focus on those negates the other things that life comes with. It comes with beauty, hope, smiles, sunshine, and the never ending love of our Savior.
There you have it. My roller coaster ride may not be over, but there is no shame in that. My childhood dreams may not have come true, but that doesn't mean I can't have grown-up goals. I may not have a prince charming, but I do have a Savior and He will always be here for me. I may never have a forever someone, but hopefully with time I learn that that is ok and that me, by myself, is not a bad thing.