People, I'm a hot mess. I'd like to say it was all because of something new that is happening in my life, but it isn't; it is the same thing. In the past few weeks and in the next couple, many of my friends have either gotten married or are celebrating their wedding anniversaries. While, yes, I am happy for them and have celebrated with them (attended said nuptials) I am broken over where I am. I am 84 days away from the 2 year mark! 2 years people! I know, I can hear you all now saying "that is all? Give it time Mandy, give it time." Of course, so that you know, those of you saying this are also the ones who I have celebrated with and congratulated in these past weeks. In other words - YOU HAVE NO PERSPECTIVE ON HOW THIS FEELS! Seriously, people who have not been on the receiving end of a divorce DO. NOT. KNOW. HOW. IT. FEELS! And, for those who are remarried from a previous divorce (regardless of which side) have simply forgotten the pain that is associated with it. After all, they are now in another committed relationship.
I'm tired of the tears. I'm tired of the constant fighting and struggling with God over this. Yes, I fight with Him. Yes, I know I will never be the victor. He is, after all God and I am merely a person - and a broken one at that, but fight I do. Why? Well, it all comes down to this, this one simple thing right here - Why? Why am I so undeserving, unlovable, unwanted, un-every-cotton-picking-thing-in-the-world that God wouldn't allow me to have a husband? Or at least one that stayed? For those of you that want to sit there and say things like, "at least you got to have one" or "at least your children still get to see their dad" and any such thing like that, well, thanks, but no thanks. That DOES. NOT. HELP. In fact, that makes things worse. How you might ask? Because that is the daily reminder that I was a conscious decision to be thrown away.
So, I've come to a decision on what I am going to do. I'm giving up. It hurts, but I have no other choice. The Bible has said that I should delight myself in the Lord and He will give me the desires of my heart. It also says that God loves me so much. And more still it says I should trust the Lord in all things. I want to tell you that I am that woman right now, but I am not. I am so very, very far from her at this point in time. In fact, if I were to be honest I don't know if I will ever find her again. Oh, don't misunderstand what I am saying. I still believe 100% in my Lord and Savior. I still believe that He died for my sins. But I have nothing in me that believes He cares one lick for how broken I am. I don't believe that He truly cares for the pain and longing that I feel. I also don't believe that He will ever allow me to experience the joy and beauty of the sanctity of marriage again.
If I liked cats I'd probably be a cat lady. Oh, you can go on and on about how I need to get off this pity party, but it isn't that. No, this is bigger than that and you are missing the point if that is what you are focusing on. The point to this is that God does NOT give us the desires of our hearts. So I'm left with simply, God and Him alone. I am stuck being a 36-year old, single mother of 3 girls who wants nothing more than to be good enough for a forever someone. And the good Lord knows above all else what I want, but I know He isn't Santa and well, Christmas only comes for others. So, that leaves me with one last thing to share.
I'll continue to love the Lord because He loved me enough to save me from my brokenness and for that, truly, there is no other thing in life worthwhile. I'll find a way to be okay always being the single friend. I'll find a way to find me, myself, a worthy companion. I'll find a way to be content with the woman I am. I will find a way to be ok with being alone. And one of these days, I WILL find a way to trust God. After all, the Bible also tells us: