I Read Too Much

You know, I really have to admire a guy like Job.  I mean here was a man who lost everything...EVERYTHING and still didn't blame it on the Lord and still maintained his strength of faith and rebuked those who told him to admonish the Lord. No, I'm not reading in Job right now, I'm in Numbers. So, why am I going down this path of thought?   Well, here's the thing.  Sometimes being an adult isn't all it is cracked up to be.  In fact, there are days when it is the worst thing.  Honestly to be able to go back to having someone else take care of everything would be super awesome.  BUT.... That isn't the way of life.  In fact, life is all about moving forward even in the face of adversity and Job-like moments.  I've been MIA lately due to some things that have occurred in our life that have resulted in the Mr. and I having to buck up and become the responsible parties for someone elses' poor decisions and life skills.  Let me tell you, I enj...

I had an interesting conversation with an old friend today.  You see, I'm still caught on this whole "I am divorced" thing.  I have in a few earlier posts shown great strength and the proof that there is life after divorce, but for the past couple of months I have really struggled.  I mean REALLY struggled. I want to, more than anything, put forth my best face.  I want to prove that I don't need anyone and that I am a strong, independent woman who needs no man.  Truth of it is, I really don't need a man, but I sure do miss being married.  I miss the companionship.  I miss knowing that I am someone that another chose to spend their life side-by-side with. I hate dating.  It stinks.  It isn't so much the being me part that stinks, it is revealing that part of me to another.  It's kind of like shopping.  Who am I kidding it is a lot like shopping.  I have an insane love of running shoes.  (Perhaps almost as crazy ...

I did that one thing that I never thought I would do.  I questioned.  I questioned the one constant I have always had in my life.  I questioned the one person who has never left me.  I questioned him, his faithfulness, and his love for me.  I questioned God.  I think the bigger question is why. Why did I question him, his love, his faithfulness?  Why am I in this position?  Because I am broken.  I admit it.  Actually I have admitted it many, many times over this past almost year.  I'm broken.  I'm human.  In my humanness I have reduced my pain, my struggle, my heartache to one thing...a question of God's love for me. I have taken that stance where I have put myself in a place where I think I need to be more important than him.  I can't be.  I never will be.  None of us will actually.  It's a fact whether you are a believer or not.  We simply never will be, nor can be, better than God....

Roy Orbison was on to something when he recorded this song all those years ago.  It's been my theme song for quite some time.  I've worked really hard at keeping it at bay - the loneliness, not the song.  Truly I've had some good days.  Days in which I keep so busy with one thing or another that I don't have time to reflect on it.  Those days really it isn't things and activities, it is conversation with others.  In fact, there are nights, I hate to admit, that I will have multiple conversations going on all at once.  No, it's true and quite possible!  Several are by text and several more by messenger.  I try to fill my time with talk.  With other people. I know that my Christian friends will be the first to jump in, right now, and say "you should be spending that time with the Lord, in prayer, in meditation, in reading His word."  Truth - they are right.  So completely right.  That's what I really should ...

Have you ever been consumed with some emotion, any emotion really, but consumed by it on a level so epic that you invariably said something that you shouldn't?  Yeah, me too.  Honestly, I do it a lot.  I'd say 99% of that verbal spewing is done offline, but there are times when my emotion overloads my reason and I let my fingers do the talking.  I did that today.  I did the one thing I told myself once all this ick started to happen, that I'd never do. I opened up that ugly door, the one I have kept tightly closed, and let something out.  I shared some of the dark, dark thoughts that I had, the ones that emotion creates.  Now, only because I know you can't pop on and see what I wrote, know that it wasn't physically harming or demeaning, but it did show a side of me that I've worked, honestly that the Lord has worked, hard to keep covered.  By covered, I don't mean a shameful hiding, by covered I mean covered by the grace of God and the love o...

Life has them.  Sometimes we let them take us too far.  We let them take over our rational thought. Expectations can really work a person over.  I'm there.  Today.  I have in my mind this expectation, this unmet understanding that I let myself walk into.  I let myself think that things were starting to figure themselves out.  I expected this of myself.  I expected that as things started to have dates and glimpses of closure I would be just fine.  I'm not.  Fine is not a word in today's vocabulary.  Instead today I am filled with hurt,pain.  Self induced of course. I had an expectation of life finding its new normal.  In 9 short days is the first court appearance.  Yes, we're moving right along aren't we?  Actually, no.  Not fast enough if you ask me, but we all know my issue with patience.  Honestly, I'm ready for the day after that.  To wake up and put on a smile  and look in...

I started packing his stuff this past weekend.  First it was just for something to do, something to keep my mind busy.  Then as I continued it became necessary.  Honestly, it became down right therapeutic!  I know now that the man that I married isn't coming back to me and I need to let go of the one he has become. I started in the kitchen, giving him all of the things there were duplicates of.   He'll be happy to know most of it is Pampered Chef.  Then I moved to the living room and boxed up all of the games, movies, consoles, etc.  I'd have packed up the Blue ray player and surround sound too, had I known what to do with all those wires!  But, I figured we might as well enjoy the last week of TV we will have, since he will be taking that with him.  Next I moved to the bedroom closet.  That's where I felt sad, I mean, here I was packing away the things we'd amassed over the years.  I packed those childhood b...