Monday, January 28, 2013

The Joke's on Me

Well, lovelies, its here.  The end of my hopes and dreams.  It all came crashing down on me this morning.  I found out some of the very ugly truths that, had I really looked, were there all along. Sadly, I believed that I could love them out of existence.  But that is the thing with sin, only one person is strong enough to love it all away and that is Jesus Christ.  We in our humanness can love the sinner, pray for them, cry for them, care for them, and long for them, but their choices will ultimately take precedence.  And that is what happened today.  I discovered proof of my worst fears.  The thing that I didn't want to have happen, did.  I knew it would. The changes I saw in him this past week were too grand for it not to have.  I saw it.  I knew the inevitable would occur, oh, I naively hoped it wouldn't.  I believed that the core of the person was stronger than the sin, but I was wrong - dead wrong.

That's what sin does.  I know we talked about this a few days ago, but when you are able to be shaken to your core, to have the root of your character broke, then truly nothing can stop sin from overtaking you.  My heart broke in ways I'd never thought possible this morning.  The true depth of the sin was shown evident and I was taken aback at what it created.  It paints different pictures for each of us, you know.  For the one I love, the man I gave my heart to, it painted a very, very ugly picture.  One that has seared itself in my mind's eye.  There are somethings a person should never see, this morning I saw one of those things.  I'm hurt, I'm torn, I'm without words to describe my pain.

He isn't here now.  I didn't think he would be.  Truth be told, I don't think he will be back much this week, perhaps to take the kids to school, perhaps not.  There is no trust there.  None what-so-ever.  I wanted there to be.  I was blindly giving it, in a managed manner in some regard.  This week taught me that I should back off on some of that trust.  I did.  Now I know why I felt the need to.  He has a new place.  He'll be moving in there at the end of this week, well according to the messages he sent his so-called friend.  You know, I really ought to share, and pardon my frankness, but real friends, the ones that care about you, they are the people who strengthen your core, who urge you to uphold your character.  They don't encourage you to thrive in sin.  They value morality above all else.

I sat here day after day hoping and praying.  Wishing and cleaving to anything he'd send my way, and the joke was on me.  I know because he laughed in my face so many times this weekend.  He laughed at me. In my face. To my face!  When I tried to hug him.  He laughed.  When I tried to kiss him.  He laughed.  When I tried to love him.  He laughed.  Guess I'm funny looking.  No, it was because I had fallen for the biggest con.  The joke was on me.  I honestly don't know what to do.  Besides all that though, there is another problem.  A bigger one. You want to know what the biggest problem is in all of this? 

I STILL love him.  I love him more than I have words to say.  I still love the man I married all those years ago.  I still love the man who gave me three beautiful children.  I still love the man that has filled almost 12 years of my memory bank.  I still love him.  And I miss him.  But...I've lost.  He delivered the punch line this morning.  Therefore,

I have to give it all away.  Give it to the one, the only one capable of fixing it.  The only one capable of fixing him.  The only one capable of fixing me.  So I will...

Lord, he is 100% in your hands now.  Oh, he always was, but I was trying so hard to help you along.  I know now that there are things in life that are out of our control, that no matter what, we simply cannot handle on our own.  Father, Lord, please come up beside him and comfort his soul.  Help him to find the peace he is searching for, because he's searching in all the wrong ways.  Lord, I love him with all of my heart, but you have to take over now because there is nothing left in me.  He's broke it all.  Guess that's what I get for letting him.  Please love him where I failed.  Please protect him where I can't.  Please comfort him where he won't let me.  Father, please hear my pleas, wipe my tears, comfort my soul, lift my spirits, protect my heart, and give me peace. Thank you, Lord - Amen

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

It Happened Again

I went there.  I went to that place where I let my thoughts drive me to the cliff and I slowly fell over.  I thought I was going to have a good day.  In fact, it started good.  I was encouraged by Psalm 20 this morning, shared it with my good friend, Anna, and had a very productive day at work.  I was good to go.  Then my husband texted me.  Yes, first!  I know!  You're thinking it too, but no, we were both wrong.  He sent me a photo of the damage to his "old" car.  Apparently someone hit it and drove off.  He filed a police report.  Yep, that was it.  That was the extent to what he had to say.  I asked a couple of questions about it, got very basic responses and it was over.  I told him I loved him....nothing.  I asked about his day....nothing.  I called....nothing.  Then he put me on ignore.  That's when my thoughts took me where they shouldn't have gone.

I know just a few days ago I was powerfully optimistic and sharing all these ways that I needed to be filled and where I really needed to keep my focus, but I also said that the lesson was one in which I would need to revisit.  Looks like I was right. Unfortunately. I just didn't think it would be so soon.  I'm broken.  I was in such a state of distress that I actually had to leave work early.  I haven't had to do that since those early days when he told me he was leaving.  I felt horrible.  I couldn't stop crying.  There I was, a grown woman, crying uncontrollably at her desk, with her coworkers at their desks in the same office.  Thankfully, they were engaged in conversation with each other or else I would have had a high degree of unwanted attention.  I quickly called my boss and told him I was sorry, but that I really needed to leave.  I told him I'd be back in the morning, and then quickly got off the line.

Have you ever tried to drive when it is freezing cold, your hands won't function due to the cold, your person is soaking in the freezing cold from the leather seat beneath you, the blowers are frostier than your love's heart, and you are bawling so hard and the tears are coming so fast you can barely see?  Well, that was me for over half of my 40 minute drive home, the van warmed up by then.  Praise the Lord the roads weren't busy and the police weren't out because I don't remember much of the drive.  I remember the pain of my tears, the gut wrenching feel of my aching heart, the one I keep letting get broke over and over.

Then I asked why.  WHY?  Why me?  Why can't I have someone to love?  I got the answer...I do have someone to love.  Then why can't I have someone to love me back?  Again, I got the answer...I do have someone (lots of people) to love me back.  Then WHY can't I have the love of my husband back?  I got that answer too...God is still working on it.  Oh, we had a long conversation, God and I.  I did a lot of yelling.  I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I'm lost, I'm well, broken.  He knows already, but I told Him - again.  But its ok, God is big enough, He can take it.  I'm thankful for that.  Truthfully what's happening isn't in His will, I know that, but man it isn't fair. AND I HATE IT!

Then I remember...Life isn't fair.  But it can be good and filled with joy.  Joy can come even when there is a lot of pain and hurt.  Joy can be everywhere, because God is everywhere.  I think remembering this may take me a time or two or three...ok, who am I kidding...this is a process.  I just hope God is proud of the me that comes out of all this in the end.

Don't worry lovelies, I'm still believing in miracles.  I still believe in the power of prayer.  I still believe that my love will be received and accepted. I just need to believe and trust in God's timing.  His good and perfect timing.  After all, God is never late.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

When a Song Says It All

Lately I've had a lot of words and believe me I have much more to say, but today I heard a song, then another, and well, sometimes a song says it all.  I have put these in a purposed order to tell my story.  To hear them click on the Title of each song.  Enjoy!


Third Day - I Need A Miracle
Late one night she started to cry and thought "He ain't coming home"
She was tired of the lies, tired of the fight
But she didn't wanna see him go
She fell on her knees and said
I haven't prayed since I was young
But "Lord above I need a miracle"

Well no matter who you are
And no matter what you've done
There will come a time
When you can't make it on your own
And in your hour of desperation
Know you're not the only one
Prayin' "Lord above, I need a miracle"
I need a miracle

What Love Really Means - JJ Heller
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayed
And she says...

Who will love me for me?
Not for what I have done or what I will become
Who will love me for me?
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
what love really means
what love really means

Need You Now - Plumb
Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

 How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh, I need you
God, I need you now.

Redeemed - Big Daddy Weave
Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

Let Me Rediscover You - Downhere
Your spirit hovers over my waters
Your love burns longer than the sun
The skies of thunder echo you wonder
Your praises can't be over - sung

The whole Universe is witness
To only a part of what you've done
So let me rediscover you
And breathe in me your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
Oh, let me rediscover you

You see my weakness, my pride, my blindness
You wield your power through them all
Of all the mysteries, still, the greatest to me
Is that you're faithful when I fall

How can I say I know you
When what I know is still so small?
Let me rediscover you and breathe in me your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
Oh, let me rediscover you

Saturday, January 19, 2013

The Lotus Den

I have had this post on my mind for days, many days actually, but haven't quite put together how to write it.  Then today, as we were taking the movies back to the Redbox, my girls were watching Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief on the DVD player in the van and it all came to me.  Often they wear the headphones, but every once in a while we just let the move play over the van speakers.  (It helps when it is a movie that I really like too, this was one of them!)  Anyway, the scene that came on, as we were driving, was the one where they enter the Lotus Den in Las Vegas.  I'm hoping you have seen it, because I'm going to spell it out here.  In other words, this is a spoiler alert!

Percy and his companions enter The Lotus, a casino, and at first they keep their eyes on the prize, in this case the pearl they need to get back from the underworld.  However, they are constantly bombarded by the "workers" to try this and that.  On top of that they are in awe of their surroundings, all the desires of their hearts seem to be in this one location.  While they resisted for a good few moments (in movie time) they succumbed to tasting the Lotus Flower.  They were enticed by the lure of it being the "signature dish" and the fact that it was free.  So Percy and his friends, going against their better judgement, take a bite.  Each one of them exclaimed about how good it tasted and as they continued eating they were drawn into the world inside the "den".  They each were able to do the things their hearts desired.  All of it was there, for them, for the taking.  All of their senses were on hyper-drive, they were living "the life" and having fun.  Then Percy hears the voice of his father telling him not to eat anymore of the flowers and to wake up, to start focusing.  As Percy walks around he bumps into a person who is playing a game and that person thinks it is still 1971.  At this time Percy really starts to connect the dots and goes to free his friends from the trap of the Lotus Flowers.  Of course, this alerts the "workers" who want nothing more than to keep them tied to their desires, and so they continue to persuade them to eat more.  It ends with them leaving and realizing they were in the "Lotus Den", but it was the fact they lost 5 whole days of the time sensitive quest they were on that really took them aback.

And that dear readers is what sin does.  Sin is like a lotus flower.  It looks good, smells good, tastes good, feels good, and its fun - AT FIRST.  Then it starts to eat at you.  It takes away your ability to think, to focus, to keep what's right in perspective.  You will lose entire chunks of your life.  It will cause you to lose not only time, but precious people and valuable memories with those you love.  Sin will destroy you from the inside, because the longer it has you in its clutches the more of IT you will need to keep those same feelings alive.  Just like Percy and his friends - they had to keep eating the flowers because the workers knew that when they stopped eating they would wake up and reality would set in.  And the thing is, as you are eating more and more to feel the same, you are turning it into a job.  A job that takes more and more of you to complete.  Hours will turn into days and days into weeks, then weeks into months, and for some those months tragically become years.  Time, all of it time you will never regain.  Time that you will have lost with those you loved, who longed to give you theirs, because the sin was of a far greater appeal to you than they were.

Sin is not your friend.  It deceives, it tricks, it leads you down paths you never thought you'd travel down.  It will bombard you with bright lights, great music, "friends", earthly goods, food, and drink.  But what it will do during that time is consume you and destroy your soul.  It will take away from you that one precious thing that truly defines who you are.  It will transform you into a person you aren't, all the while making you think it's who you were always meant to be.  Sin is not your friend, but it takes many people.  It destroys people, lives, livelihoods, and families.  It DESTROYS people.  That is its only goal.

But there is one that can beat it, there is one and only ONE who overcame it for all of humanity, if only we'd reach and grasp the free gift He is offering.  Jesus.  He came that we may not live for eternity over the choices we made while living in the Lotus Den.  He came to die for us, that we may live for Him, through Him.  Sadly, there are many, far too many, that don't want that gift because it seems hard, it seems dull, it doesn't "please" in the same way the Lotus flower does, but I can assure, having walked into the den myself, that life walking with the Lord is a far greater joy and blessing than any flower could ever provide.

Eat well my friends.

"Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him." Psalm 34:8

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Past is the Past

We all have a history.  We all have parts of our story that we'd like to remove, undo, or relive with the knowledge we possess today.   However, the truth of it is - it simply can't be redone or even undone.  The past is the past.  I've told you that there will be a day when I share my story, the whole of it.  I will, but not now.  Not yet.  I can't share something that I am still working on.  It isn't that I am still living that piece of it, its that I haven't let it go.  Oh, I've sought forgiveness and received it, both from God and from the one who I hurt.  They both gave it to me.  They both loved me enough to do just that.  However,  sadly, there is still one person who hasn't forgiven me - ME

I never really paid attention to it.  Never really thought of myself as living with unforgiveness.  I mean, after all, forgiveness is something we do, or don't do, unto others.  But, that's not really true.  The pain that can eat at you for not forgiving others can eat away at you for not forgiving yourself.  And dare I say it may even be worse!  I had a wonderful talk with a dear friend today.  That's the thing about true friends, real friends, they tell you what you need to hear, what you HAVE to hear, NEVER EVER what you want to hear.  You want to know what she told me?  She told me "YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF!"  "You HAVE to let your PAST BE YOUR PAST!"

That's the thing, I hate myself so much for the past.  I hate myself for all those wrong choices, for all the hurt, pain, bitterness; for all the selfish ambition, pride, and vile utterances; for the way I treated the ones who mattered the most to me.  Through the course of what's going on I keep coming back to my past and I guess using it for the justification over current circumstances.  BUT, you can't do that.  Once forgiven, always forgiven.  In fact, God doesn't even remember it.  He has removed it as far as the east is from the west.  So what is my problem?  Me.  My humanness.  My inability to forgive - myself.

My friend recommended a song to me.  She said I desperately need to listen to it.  I will.  In fact, the words are below.  What I want to do is pray.  I want the Lord to heal me.  I want him to comfort me and tell me what to do next.  I want him to show me the steps to take and that justification does not make it all better.  I want him to give me a peace that transcends all understanding.  I want him to hold me while I cry the tears that have flowed unending for the past few months. I want him to fix it all.

I believe he can!  And I trust him to do so.

Past Your Past
Where do I start she started?
I remember well
A life of disappointment
She just had to tell
Her words were cold and bitter
She grew angry fast
I could tell she needed Jesus
To get her past her past

How can I get beyond it
I listened as she cried
She said I’ve moved away to start again
I’ve failed at all I’ve tried
You see I blamed this man I knew
For the way I have to live
How can I get beyond it all
I said you must forgive

Then you can get past your past
You can walk away from painful memories
Past your past
You don’t have to be alone
You can stand upon the word of God
Your yesterdays can be gone
Let Jesus bring you past your past
Then you can go on

So if you are held captive
By deeds of yesterday
Regardless of how far you’ve run
You don’t think you’ll ever get away
Run on a little farther
To the Father’s mercy throne
There you can find a brand new start
His heart will be your home

Then you can get past your past
You can walk away from painful memories
Past your past
You don’t have to be alone
You can stand upon the word of God
Your yesterdays can be gone
Let Jesus bring you past your past
Then you can go on

Go on, Go on
Let Jesus bring you past your past
Then you can go on

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I Think Too Much

Yes, lovelies, the mind is a terrible thing.  Oh, now it can be used for mounds of good, and it can lead you to many excellent choices and decisions, but when left unattended it can become your worst enemy.  You see, these lonesome days have led into lonesome weeks, and the weeks, sadly, to months.  There are days when I am good, really good.  As in I have enough to do, someone to talk to, and no mass amounts of time to leave me wondering.  Then there are days like yesterday where all I do is constantly think and dwell on my loneliness.

Let me share a little something I'm learning.  I am learning during this time.  I am learning many, many lessons.  Some of which are good, some of which aren't so good.  Mostly, I'm learning that idleness is dangerous.  That time with nothing to do invariably leads you to a place you don't want to go, figuratively of course.  I keep finding myself there.  It isn't a good place.  It has danger written all over it.  Now, don't get the wrong idea here, no I'm not suicidal and I'm not doing something self-crazy-like.  I'm sad.  I'm lonely.  I'm OVERTHINKING - EVERYTHING!  Mostly I am questioning the whys and what-ifs.  I'm racking my brain for answers to questions that make no sense.  It's quite funny how not having the one you love in your life can do that to you.  I miss him every waking minute of every day.  He doesn't call or text.  He barely comes home and for this, I miss him. 

It is in all this missing him my mind goes on never ending journeys to no where.  I think of all the things that have been said, all the things that have not been said.  I think of all the places he could be at and all the people he could be with.  Then he will say one thing (mostly via a text - never first) and I think, "Oh my goodness, maybe it is ok, maybe we're starting the healing process", then in the next breath there is nothingness. And in this nothingness my mind begins its journey again.  Each time it goes it picks up a little more doubt, a little more junk, and it deposits it in the form of a brick.  These bricks have started forming a wall.  A wall I don't want built.  Walls encourage distance, walls divide, walls keep love apart.  I hate walls, metaphorically of course.

Another thing I'm learning is that I can't stop this journey by placing the burden onto my friends.  I've done that recently.  I've placed a lot on a couple of my dear friends and well, I know I've drained them.  They have lives too, they also have families and spouses and marriages that require them.  Their lives aren't in the crumbled mess mine is in and they don't need to fill the void in mine; though regrettably that is what I have tried to have them do.  I've been a bad friend because they've offered an inch and I've taken several miles. 

Then there is biggest lesson of all - there is only one person who can fill the void, cure the loneliness, remove the idleness, and heal me.  I turn to Him oftentimes at the last moment as of late.  I know it is the wrong thing to do, but I led myself there.  I wanted the easy road. But to get the fullest, most complete level of healing, you can never ever take the easy road.  The easy road is to rely on another person, the hard road is to rely on God.  Oh, in theory it sounds simple, but it isn't.  It isn't easy because He's not physically here.  He isn't going to physically go shopping with you, sit across from you and discuss world events, help you cook a meal, etc.  But what He IS going to do - He is NEVER going to leave you.  He is right there in all of those things, in all of those places, at all of those times, waiting patiently for you to stop taking the easy road and ask Him to take the journey with you.

In fact, there are many places in the Bible where people walk down roads, but the journey is less the story than the lesson.  Another thing the Bible tells is a story where people, following the command of God, produced a large wall to be broken down. Granted, it was a physical wall, but God can do that to the mental and spiritual ones that we create too.  And that is the final lesson that I am learning.  I may have to revisit the lesson a time or two or even three, but God is the only person that can make me whole, that can fill the emptiness, that can tear down the walls, that can free me from thinking too much - about all the wrong things.

- M

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Pinball Thoughts

Have you ever had so many things on your mind at once that you couldn't clearly articulate one thought?  That is how my mind is today.  There are so many things going on up there that I don't know how to sort them out and make them make sense.  I use this blog as my tool to try!

Please understand that I want to keep this blog upbeat-ish and happy.  I want it to be a source of encouragement and hope.  I want it to be a place you come back to because you care to see what is written.  However, there may be days where I fail.  Where the ugliness of what is going on in my life spews out negatively.  In those moments just know that hurt brings out a lot.  Pain hides nothing and in its quest to infect, its wounds are sometimes grotesquely evident.

Here are a few of the pinballs (thoughts) that I have had bouncing around in my head for the last day or so.  Hope you find some wisdom, or at least comfort in them.

1.  The only man that should matter in your life is the one who gave it to you - your Heavenly Father.
2.  Love hurts and breaks.
3.  Love also builds and triumphs.
4.  Use Biblical principles to weigh all advice.  After all, God gave us the Bible for such a reason.
5.  Friends, real honest-to-goodness friends, offer encouragement, sound advice, hugs, a shoulder to cry on, and their time.
6.  Seeking yourself in a lost world will guarantee you remain just as lost.
7.  Garbage in - Garbage out.  Mind what/who you watch, listen to, read, and follow.
8.  Children are remarkable reminders of attitudes and behaviors  adults can display.
9.  Parenting such children aids in your perspective.
10.  It is hard to gain perspective when you are only listening to that of others.
11.  God has a plan for you.  (Jeremiah 29:11)
12.  Personal time is a precious commodity.  Use it wisely.
13.  Be passionate.
14.  Embrace your uniqueness.  God never intended for us to be replicas of each other.
15.  Honor your commitments, no matter the difficulty.
16.  Lean not on your own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
17.  Accumulating more stuff will not make you happier.
18.  Challenge yourself.
19.  Make new memories, lasting ones, with those you love.
20.  Home is more than a just place.

And that lovelies, are a few of my random thoughts today.  I hope this Sunday finds itself to be a great one for you and that you are able to spend it with those you love.  Never take the love of another for granted; thank them, hold them, kiss them, and truly love them in return.

- M

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Not Thinking About It

Pretty much means you will.  I have had a rough day lovelies; a really, really rough day. It seems to me that my joy from the first of the month was to be short lived. VERY.SHORT.LIVED.  Life is now back to the same old ebb and flow that it was prior to that day, with one exception, he says he's staying.  Oh, yes, this is a magnificent, glorious declaration; one that makes my heart soar.  But, physically being in a place in no way fulfills the mental and emotional presence that should also accompany being in a place.  So I sit, ever longingly, by my phone willing it to chirp the sound of an incoming text and wishing it to sing the song that is his ringtone.   Regrettably, we are back to one word replies to my many texts, we are back to my wanting and his pushing.  We are back to me, yet again, exposing my heart for the heartache that follows.

I've prayed that this wouldn't happen, yet I knew it would.  I knew, in my heart of hearts, it was a pipe dream.  Why?  I can't compete with those outside forces that have his attentions.  I can't compete with the world.  Me, this girl who just wants her boy, the boy that wants everything but her.  Love is like that, though it shouldn't be.  I'm beginning to think there is no one that will love me for me.  Me this imperfect person.  Me this person God is forming and changing from the inside.  The me that I am. There is a song that exemplifies this - it is called What Love Really Means.  Then a day later a friend of mine posted a picture on Facebook.  I was so perfect, so true, so right.

Romans 5:8

And that's the whole of it.  I keep coming back to this truth. God loves me.  In fact He loves me so much He made me, and then died on a cross so that I may know Him.  Granted, He isn't going to keep me warm at night, He isn't going to share His day with me, He isn't going to look at me with eyes filled with love.  But He won't leave me.  He will be with me everywhere I go.  He will talk to me through out my day all the while reminding me of His presence.  He will comfort me.  He will heal my broken heart.  He will never leave me.

I tried so hard not to post again about my brokenness.  This constant pain that just hurts more and more and more, but I can't shake it.  I've tried.  I think I have good days, but then it hits me like a ton of bricks and when it does I am back on my knees (both actually and metaphorically) praying to the Lord for peace and comfort, for the release of the pain and heartache, for the love of my husband back.  I just want him back.  Oh how I love him.  This man who has been mine for nearly 12 years.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Counting My Blessings

I struggled with what to share with you; on one hand I have the lesson we covered in small group tonight - which spoke to me in many ways, on the other I have yesterday.  Yesterday is going to win.  Both have had an impact, but the magnificence of God's power and grace shines radiantly out of yesterday.

My handsome man took an unexpected, but necessary, trip over the past holiday weekend.  This trip was one that he needed for himself and though I could have gotten angry, sad, frustrated, upset, or any other number of emotions, I did not.  In fact, I was excited for him.  He was able to gain perspective.  I've come to know over the years that perspective is oftentimes one of those things you honestly cannot gain when only listening to that of "others".  This is most especially true when the "others" are not a well rounded lot.  And to that end I will share no more; after all, it isn't my story to share.

It has been many months since Mr. Man and I have just talked.  I don't mean about the house, the kids, the bills, or our jobs; I mean just talk.  You know, like you do when you are simply enjoying the person you are with.  So, on the night of the 30th he called and texted and sadly I missed both.  However, when I called back I received the first of many blessings to come. First, was simply the blessing of the conversation itself.  It was an unforced, fun, give-and-take banter that made my heart soar.  The second was the words I have longed to hear for a long, long time: "I miss you."  I received a couple more calls and texts over the next two days from him, they were, each and every one, more blessings.

Then on New Year's Day I received the best yet.  Mr. Man was really tired from his long trip and needed a nap, which rightfully so, I'd need one too. And after showing the girls the photos and videos he took, he grabbed a nap.  A bit later he woke and got around and came to talk to me.  He told me that he loved me...and I didn't have to say it first hoping for a similar response!  No, this was an unsolicited declaration.  Again, my heart soared.  But, it was the next blessing, the one I am still thanking the Lord for, that made me cry.  Not tears of sorrow, but tears of joy.  My beautiful, soft hearted, amazing man had put his wedding ring back on.  It's been a while since he has worn it, willingly, and I must say it looks GOOD on him!  I asked if he meant it and he told me yes!  YES!

Oh, dear lovelies, I have had so many beautiful blessings in the past day that I couldn't wait to share.  However, I am also going to be cautiously optimistic with this man that I love with all of my heart.  I want to believe.  I want to know, deeply, that there won't be any more days like the past couple months, but life still stays its course especially while one is making other plans.  I know there are bound to be trials and rough days ahead.  There are bound to be people, circumstances, situations, and feelings that interrupt the work God is doing.  And for that I have one reply:  "I Trust In Jesus." 

He is the only one that is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  He doesn't change.  BUT...and this is the wonderful part of it all...He has the power to change the lives of those who ask Him to.  And that is what keeps me going.  He keeps me going.  He gives me the strength to go on, to continue, to forgive, to love, to dream, to fight for the one worth fighting for - MY HUSBAND!