I Read Too Much

I'm reading a Stephen King book.  It is an older book of his, written and published nearly 20 years ago.  I have willingly picked up about a half dozen of his books; truthfully, the genre just isn't my cup of tea.  Did you know (at least at the time of the publication of the book I'm reading) he has only published two non-fiction works?  That is what I am reading, his book entitled, On Writing .  It is phenomenal. I wouldn't classify myself a writer any more than I would a runner.  However, just like with running I've given it a solid go and enjoy it like there is no tomorrow.  Why this book?  Well, besides the obvious - I like to read,  I want to take my writing up a notch and he is an undisputed master wordsmith and storyteller.  There are a lot of good takeaways, such as - don't use big words, don't write about what you don't know, and always take it seriously.  Sure, there is a lot more in the book I found useful, insightful, an...

I've taken many weeks off from writing, yes even in my private journals.  It isn't that I haven't had a desire to, quite the opposite really; it is more that I have been struggling with coming to terms with the thoughts in my head.  I won't lie, this battle, the one where I am struggling to be the confident, independent divorce is colliding with the career woman, single mom of three, who longs for a forever someone, is wearing me out.  People divorce is so very hard.  I have read countless articles, books, blogs, not to mention listened to radio programs, podcasts and other divorces' advice, but I am still not healed.   Listen to me, no matter what you may want to believe and some may convince you to believe, there is no cookie-cutter way to get through divorce.  Most especially if you were the one left hanging.  I've fought God, myself, and others in this process.  I've had good days and horrible days.  I...

There are days when it is really hard to see things in the right perspective.  Days that turn into weeks and well, those into months.  In fact this whole past week has been an extremely rough week for me.  Now, I won't deny the moments in it that were great.  I had a few, all of which involved my Littles and doing things with them and for them.  But the times that were the hardest were the ones where I was left to my thoughts.  It is amazing the pull our thoughts have on our lives.  The way we think can lead us to a place that is so lonely and sad that even medication can't pull us out.  Well, personally speaking of course. This deep rooted depression has taken its toll on me.  I've gotten myself to the point where I don't sleep and I cry almost non-stop.  My heart is broken.  Completely.  Wholly.  I'm lost in the despair of my loneliness.  It is truly without a doubt the most crippling emotion.  I do not enjoy...

A year.  It is quite remarkable the difference a year can make.  I would be lying if I said I didn't cry today, that I put my big girl panties on, a fresh smile, and made it out the door to face the world.  But I did.  I cried.  Actually I sobbed.  I bawled.  I wept out loud.  At church.  At home.  All day.  We made it to church and I had the pleasure of  wonderful conversations with some dear friends.  Then at that end of the service I had a few more that came up to me at the altar and prayed with me and for me.  One held back my hair and rubbed my neck, another had her arm wrapped around me, another was holding my arm, and so many, they cried with me.  They cried, aloud, with me. And they prayed because they know. They know that even though it has been a year ago today since the ex-Mr. made the choice to walk away, my heart is still hurting.  They know that I am still in a lot...

July 20th.  Another day to some, but one that used to hold a fond place in my heart.  You see, 11 years ago on that day...yesterday actually...I said "I DO".   July 20, 2002.  I walked down the isle in our sweet, little church which had been lovingly decorated by the ladies there with items donated from all the other couples that had just recently gotten married and with the floral arrangements the decorating committee had.  My step-dad, dressed in shirt and tie, walked me, a new, young mother who was shaking tremendously, down the isle to be given to the man who gave me the gift of a daughter.  Here I was 24 years old beginning, what I thought to be a life time of, well, something.  Meeting me at the end of that isle was a man who was doing the right thing.  Who was making us a family.  Who, now, was not actually my forever someone.  July 20th, 11 years ago. It was hotter than the hinges of Hades that day.  I can rememb...

Each day gets harder as the realization sets in that I am all alone, so very, very alone.  It's quite sad, really, this feeling.  I've had so many people tell me that this too shall pass, that I will come out stronger in the end.  Truthfully I feel everything but strong.  I feel lost, hopeless, rejected, worthless, and a bevy of other feelings along this same line of thought. I have a lot of fabulous friends.  Many of whom have given me advice - some that I would never act upon.  Yes, I really want to move on, but there is a line that cannot be crossed.  A line that quite frankly I wouldn't cross regardless of my spiritual and/or religious beliefs.  But I know what they are saying and understand their reasoning.  But it just isn't going to happen. Then I have the advice of friends that are more in tuned to the love and teaching of the Lord than I am.  Yes, it's true, I don't have a flawless walk, but show me a 'perfe...

I started packing his stuff this past weekend.  First it was just for something to do, something to keep my mind busy.  Then as I continued it became necessary.  Honestly, it became down right therapeutic!  I know now that the man that I married isn't coming back to me and I need to let go of the one he has become. I started in the kitchen, giving him all of the things there were duplicates of.   He'll be happy to know most of it is Pampered Chef.  Then I moved to the living room and boxed up all of the games, movies, consoles, etc.  I'd have packed up the Blue ray player and surround sound too, had I known what to do with all those wires!  But, I figured we might as well enjoy the last week of TV we will have, since he will be taking that with him.  Next I moved to the bedroom closet.  That's where I felt sad, I mean, here I was packing away the things we'd amassed over the years.  I packed those childhood b...

I haven't been able to sleep.  My mind is so full, full of all these things.  Things I can control, many that I can't.  It was almost midnight before I was able to close my eyes, but I was awakened at 3:40 by the sound of the front door slowly opening with the ever so quiet entrance of the one person who has turned my life upside down.  He thought he was being stealthy, I could tell by the purposeful movements, but he wasn't.  After turning on the TV, fixing a bowl of cereal, and waking our 4 year old (unintentionally), he sat down to watch Star Trek.  I had the nerve to ask this morning, why, after all these months has he finally started coming straight home?  For many months now he's slept in his car at work, or in the parking lot at Walmart or McDonald's, or any such place he felt the need to tell me. Truth or not.  Except for now.  Now, when I desperately want peace, he's back; back to being where he should - even though he really is...

Well, lovelies, its here.  The end of my hopes and dreams.  It all came crashing down on me this morning.  I found out some of the very ugly truths that, had I really looked, were there all along. Sadly, I believed that I could love them out of existence.  But that is the thing with sin, only one person is strong enough to love it all away and that is Jesus Christ.  We in our humanness can love the sinner, pray for them, cry for them, care for them, and long for them, but their choices will ultimately take precedence.  And that is what happened today.  I discovered proof of my worst fears.  The thing that I didn't want to have happen, did.  I knew it would. The changes I saw in him this past week were too grand for it not to have.  I saw it.  I knew the inevitable would occur, oh, I naively hoped it wouldn't.  I believed that the core of the person was stronger than the sin, but I was wrong - dead wrong. That's what sin ...

I went there.  I went to that place where I let my thoughts drive me to the cliff and I slowly fell over.  I thought I was going to have a good day.  In fact, it started good.  I was encouraged by Psalm 20 this morning, shared it with my good friend, Anna, and had a very productive day at work.  I was good to go.  Then my husband texted me.  Yes, first!  I know!  You're thinking it too, but no, we were both wrong.  He sent me a photo of the damage to his "old" car.  Apparently someone hit it and drove off.  He filed a police report.  Yep, that was it.  That was the extent to what he had to say.  I asked a couple of questions about it, got very basic responses and it was over.  I told him I loved him....nothing.  I asked about his day....nothing.  I called....nothing.  Then he put me on ignore.  That's when my thoughts took me where they shouldn't have gone. I know just a few days a...

Yes, lovelies, the mind is a terrible thing.  Oh, now it can be used for mounds of good, and it can lead you to many excellent choices and decisions, but when left unattended it can become your worst enemy.  You see, these lonesome days have led into lonesome weeks, and the weeks, sadly, to months.  There are days when I am good, really good.  As in I have enough to do, someone to talk to, and no mass amounts of time to leave me wondering.  Then there are days like yesterday where all I do is constantly think and dwell on my loneliness. Let me share a little something I'm learning.  I am learning during this time.  I am learning many, many lessons.  Some of which are good, some of which aren't so good.  Mostly, I'm learning that idleness is dangerous.  That time with nothing to do invariably leads you to a place you don't want to go, figuratively of course.  I keep finding myself there.  It isn't a good place.  It has da...

A few years back (2008) Chris Arnall created a mathematical formula "proving" that June 20th holds the trophy for being the happiest day of the year.  In fact, here is a quippit from the article that was ran in The Telegraph. "Apparently the feeling of optimism caused by the combination of lighter evenings, the prospect of holidays and memories of childhood summers is at its peak on June 20. According to the research this has been worked out using the equation O + (N xS) + Cpm/T + He. O stands for being outdoors and outdoor activity, N is connection with nature, which is in full bloom now, S is socialisation with neighbours and friends, Cpm stands for childhood positive memories, T is the mean temperature which is now usually warm, and He is holiday expected." - Rebecca Smith   I chuckled when I read that.  See, I don't think he took into account personal experience for this equation.  Sure, it is just for fun and is in no way scienti...

It's that time of year when many people are planning trips here, there, and everywhere.  That time when the culmination of paid time off is spent visiting places one wouldn't ordinarily go.  Typically my family does the same thing.  Afterall, isn't that the idea behind a vacation?  However, this year we talked it out and decided, "why limit ourselves?"  I know that isn't an easy thing for everyone, and we are rather fortunate due to being so close to a lot of lakes as well as a state park.  So, this year we chose to purchase the annual entry pass to said state park (a 30 minute drive up the interstate) and make it a summer of daycations.  To kick off this choice, we packed the van up with a cooler of goodies, our beach stuff, a change of clothes for everyone (as a precaution), and headed north.  Thanks to some unbeknownst road construction the drive took a bit longer than it should, but for the most part it was a short...

OK, so I started typing today with one point to make and realized that you can't force a subject.  True writing will flow when there are meant to be words on paper, or in this case letters in space.  When it comes down to it, I just have a list of random thoughts going through my head.  Perhaps a bir of my randomness will become a conversation starter for one of you out there, or perhaps not. 1) Wishing to be something doesn't always bring it to fruition. 2) Time is not relative, it moves regardless of who you are or what you are doing. 3) Submersion in anything will not make you an authority. 4) The answers aren't always in the back of the book. 5) People come and people go, what matters is that you remain the same. 6) Friends are those people who know the real you and still call to say "hi". 7) People can never be a replacement for God. 8) Heartbreak follows the former when you don't realize its truth. 9) Reading just the headlines will not give yo...

Have you ever had a day when the subjects you bounce in and out of are as random as the people on this planet?  Well, today was my day and here is just a bit of the randomness that happens in my brain. 1.  Coupons are a way to get you to spend money you never would have in the first place. 2.  I read today in my devotional that spending without a budget will make you broke, perhaps I need a budget. 3.  Batteries for 2002 Chrysler Town & Country's are not cheap. 4.  Sometimes I just want to play hooky from work, but I'm too guilt ridden to try it. 5.  Some people love spontaneous gestures, many do not. 6.  Cranky old people should not be made the center of a joke. 7.  There are fortunate people who do not look at all like their age, particularly men. 8.  Public schools are not centers for learning, rather centers for the ravaging of parents' bank accounts. 9.  Never assume because you have agreed on something verbally that i...