Sunday, June 30, 2013

Hindsight is Always 20/20

There are times when you have a million things to say and yet not the words to do so.  That is me - today.  Rather, it is a manifestation of a long weekend worth of lots on my mind and numerous thoughts climbing over each other for prominence and the right to be uttered aloud.  This happens to me frequently.  In fact I usually find that they come more freely when I have the opportunity to type them out.  Thus, I have something to say. 

Someone that I care for, deeply, truly, honestly is hurting.  The hurt was self induced and yet simultaneously thrust upon them.  That type of hurt comes from not owning both sides of a story. There are ALWAYS two sides to every story. In fact,  I looked back over some of my posts from 8+ months ago.  Those posts where the pain and the heartache and the anguish were so unbearable I could do nothing else but understand it through my eyes.  Today, or this whole weekend actually, I have come to the conclusion that through my hurt I didn't see the ex-Mr's point of view.  Oh, come now ladies, let's be fair.  True, I put my big girl panties on and never got scornful, mean, or vindictive.  I never chose to play dirty.  First, my children and their mental well being were more important to me than "winning" or "proving" something.  Second, it just isn't in my nature to be that way.  Last, I had to live with myself in the end.  That, and I believed, and still do, that the Lord will exact a better judgement than I ever can.  He's big like that you know.  Just saying.

His point of view?  The ex-Mr's, that is?  I wasn't there.  I wasn't who I should have been.  We weren't working.  There was brokenness.  There were things that were missing.  There always is.  Every relationship has something.  I'm human.  He is human.  People...we are human!  We cannot be perfect.  We cannot make others perfect.  We are NOT capable.  Only one person is.  One.  The ONLY one.  And, quite honestly he is waiting for me to seek His direction again.  I digress.  When we try to demand others to make us whole and perfect, whether we do this consciously or not, brokenness becomes the outcome.  We have to, at all times, take ownership of who we are and what we do.  Even when that inward view is epically ugly.  Do not deny yourself this truth.  Do not point a finger and say, "yeah, but."  OWN IT!  I did. I had a hand in our divorce.  I'm a broken person.  I am human.  I expected from him what was not feasible.  In the end, well, frankly it ended.

And it is ok to admit that.  It is ok to stand tall and be honest with yourself.  You don't have to be right all the time.  It is ok when things don't work in the sing-song manner that we envision them.  Yeah, I know, it really stinks.  It hurts.  It tears at the very fiber of your being.  I'm still sewing parts of mine back together.  Regrettably, I stopped letting the master Seamster help.  I need to work on that.  He wants to, you know.  He wants to sew us all back together.  And if I'm being completely honest with myself there is more that needs to be fixed.  There always is with us.  We are a broken lot.  And that is the truth of it. 

My friend.  This person that I care about and love.  The one that is in pain and hurting.  I know that the other person(s) involved are too.  Know and understand that there are two sides to every story.  Know that it is ok to own your side while acknowledging the other.  No one walks on water.  Only one has, another tried, but failed when he took his eyes off the one who could.  My point to all of this is this - don't lash out.  Don't become that person.  Don't destroy more than can be rebuilt and in your wake don't leave a sour taste in others' mouths.  The end will always justify the means.  Stand vigilant and strong.  Carry strength with dignity, not with cowardice.  Fighting dirty always makes a loser of everyone.  Be someone you can be proud of.  Write your story your way.  Write it with strength and courage and honor.  And in the process give the other person the same right. 

Of course, these words, they are with out a doubt, only my perspective.  My lessons learned.  My view of a story that has two sides.  My understanding only thru the story that I personally lived.  But the best thing about lessons learned, the perspective typically comes from hindsight.  And that has been proven to be 20/20.  Well, in so many words that is.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Closure

There's a lot to be said for gaining closure on something.  I know most people believe life can finally be lived when this occurs.  I'm not here to say if they are right or wrong, but one thing I do know, is that closure doesn't always come at the time you think it should.  Wednesday was the last mandated bit the county judges required of the ex-Mr. and I and the day all the last slips of paper were signed and ink dried.  Wednesday.  Three days ago.  Eight whole months after this journey began.  I should have closure now, right?  I should be elated, footloose and fancy-free.  Actually, perhaps, just a little, but not because of this, not because of divorce.  There, I said it.  I uttered the word I haven't allowed myself to use - boldly and outwardly with conviction and force.  I'm divorced.  My family dynamic has officially been changed. I now join the ranks of many other women out there who will carry-on and grow babies all by themselves.  I am strong, determined, capable, and quite able to do this.  For this fact I have complete closure.  I'm a darn good mom. 

However, there is one thing I'm still epically struggling with.  A seemingly minor detail that nags at the back of my mind like the sound of a distant car alarm that no one will shut off.  This detail?   This nagging thought?  What part of me was so wrong that I couldn't fix it?  Can it be fixed?  Oh, I know that this leaving he did wasn't my fault, per say, but gaining closure on that, well, I'm sure the day will come.  And I want it to come on its own accord.  It will, one day.  Hopefully soon.  Like now.  Yet I wonder.  Is this a thing that can be dropped, let go of as easily as a helium filled balloon never to be seen again?  Or is this something deeper, more profound that will quite possible take weeks, months, and I shudder to think  years to overcome?   

That's the problem when changing the dynamics of something.  There will be times when you win and times when you lose.  Times when you grow and times when you fall back.  I'm looking forward to the winning and the growing.  But I know that you can't win until you understand loss and you can't grow until you have learned what falling has to teach. 

So here's to the joy in finding closure.  The value in the release of control it actually has.  And beginning again for the last time. 

Monday, June 3, 2013

True Beauty


I’ve struggled most of my life with accepting me for who I am and what I look like.  Yes, this is the second post along these same lines, but I think the lesson is far too important to not focus on it fully.  I’ve been really convicted lately over how I view myself.  And I think if we are true with ourselves then we can admit that there are times when we all do this.  Yet, this isn’t our role.  This isn’t what we are to do. But we do it anyway by saying things to ourselves and others like; ”I’m just being honest where no one else will”, “I’m a realist”, or “I can see the real me better than you can.”  However, deep down, these are defense mechanisms we use to hide hurts.  These are the words we use to justify our appearance against standards that were created by the world. 

The world.  People, that is a big scary thing.  The world cannot create anything, yet we are letting it define how we, the created, should think and feel about ourselves. 

I had a conversation with a wonderfully dear friend yesterday.  This woman has a heart more beautiful than I ever dare say I could have.  I, in so many words, told her this.  She laughed it off and said, “oh, it isn’t me, it is surly God through me.”  And then it hit me.  We the created were made by the Creator.  Whether you have a firm walk with the Lord or not, one eternal truth is - you were created.  You didn’t just spontaneously appear through some manner of cosmic intervention.  You were created.  Specifically.  On purpose.  For  a reason.  Just the way you are.  And all this by a God who does not make mistakes.  Hear me?  He DOES. NOT. MAKE. MISTAKES.  You are beautiful in His eyes.  You should be beautiful in your eyes too. 

I’m not saying we all need to walk around in vain conceit with our noses in the air.  Heavens if this crazy sod was only inhabited by narcissists - we’d all go nuts.  I mean it is bad enough we all deal with one somehow, someway.  However, there is a humble approach to this and that comes from being thankful for the you God created you to be.

Seriously, weight is just a number on a scale.  Dress sizes vary from store to store.  Short hair, long hair it all needs washed and combed.  Petite or tall, height does not determine your true stature.  Strong or weak, muscle mass does not accurately dictate strength.  I could go on and on.  Don’t let Hollywood and the advertisers control YOUR self-image.  Be true to the person in the mirror- that one of a kind created work of art.   Do not focus on being a made up carbon copy of something that isn’t even real.  

To the young girl who wants to look like the magazine cover- she isn’t real, but you are!

To the woman still searching for a forever person – don’t let it be your looks that drive you.  The right man is going to see what you aren’t seeing yourself.

To the mom – those stretch marks are a beautiful trophy showing you, each day, God gave you the honor of helping him with creating someone else just as unique and beautiful.

To the aging – the wrinkles and crinkles are precious signs that life has blessed you with many years to touch other people.

So, ladies, as I type this and remind myself through my own words – beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  You are beautiful just the way you are.  I truly hope you can see it too.