Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Losing My Gusto

I see that this blog is rapidly becoming another one of those things in which I run at it full speed ahead only to end up completing half of it.  (This is evident by the ever decreasing posts made month over month.)  I have two projects due this week and then finals next week.  I was so gung-ho for this semester to begin.  I had all of the best intentions of being the best student.  I was going to take a plethora of notes, study out side of class and well, be all those things that make a person a great student.  Then the inevitable occurred.  I ended up not doing those things, per se; because you see, I have spent more hours outside of a classroom doors on the one subject than I think I have ever devoted to one thing in my life.  However, the prof just posted the grades today, and...eek...I'm getting a solid B.  Now, I know, some would think that is fantastic, me, that is like second place.  Or in the eyes of a pessimist, the first loser.  Would I have been able to get a higher grade had I spent more hours a day on the material?  I don't know and it is now too late to test the theory.  So, this class, I have to get a C or higher in order to get my reimbursement for the credit hours (this is hours only, nothing else) and also to prevent me from having to take the dreadful class again.  So, I am a 100 point project and a Final away from a single letter grade determining an approx $800 reduction in my bank account. 

Then there is class number two.  The one that I had loved from the get go, that I was a good student for, well save for the fact I never bought the text book.  However, this project is due at 9am on Saturday, one group member is quite literally on the other side of the planet for a vacation, one group member has been completely incommunicado, to only today email to ask when it was due and inform me that he is busy with finals...well, welcome to the crowd buddy, we go to the same college.  (Obviously this guy isn't an Einstein...or there is a huge disconnect, who knows?!) Then the final group member, who like me has sent tons of emails, replied to all the emails and is in limbo due to the fact her portion is dependency upon the sum of the rest of ours.  That means, that once the project for the aforementioned dreadful class is complete I will essentially be doing two people's presentation set-ups, completing the power point and printing the group's paper (which I wrote) and finally writing my paper.  Whew...NO PRESSURE!

And it is now 6:08pm and I have 3 problems to go for the dreadful class, after re-doing the one problem, and....more excuses.  Need to find my gusto.  Need to find my gusto.  Yeah, I'm not finding it in the written word today.  (Not that written word...there i always inspiration in that one!)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

He is RISEN!

I can't help but to reflect on my recent trip to the Holy Land when I think of today.  I mean, I actually walked the Via Delarosa.  I saw the tomb.  However, even as I think on it my heart grows overwhelmed with love and compassion, an unexplainable amount of gratitude and well, frankly, feelings that no word can describe.  Have you seen Mel Gibson's the Passion of the Christ?  If not, do.  Don't dwell on the person who funded and made it, focus on the story it portrays.  All too often we dwell on the wrong thing.  We keep focused on the wrong perspective.  Just like Mary Magdalene all those years ago when she went to the tomb to mourn Jesus and she mistook the risen Savior for a gardener and it was only when Jesus called her name that she saw that it was him.  (John 20:10-16) 

I too got to look into an empty tomb.  I walked a path that millions travel down a year only because one man gave His life for mine and yours.  How can I ever thank Him enough?  How?  Anyway, I hope that you and yours had a blessed Easter and were able to look past the commercialism, to the real reason for the season. 

Below are some photos of the girls from today. 
At church this morning after the sunrise service.
I didn't make an appointment for professional photos this year, so I thought I would take what I could do on my own.

I think that my girls are so beautiful.  They all looked like little ladies in their Easter dresses this morning.

It is hard to see here in this photo, but above you can.  Yes Lillian is wearing her boots.  Yes, I let her.  No, I am not a bad mom, and at 6:30 in the morning on Easter Sunday, it is ok to let the 2 year old win the battle over this or her white Mary Janes.  :D

She got the whole ear in her mouth in one bite...and yes this was AFTER church and before we went to mom's! 

Audrey enjoying her "peep-cicle".  She was so clever to call it that.  Her whit amazes me.  I love her smile!

You can't see it here, but Kelly started by eating all the peep's eyes, then the beaks, then the heads...yes, she was an equal opportunity eater/offender.  The peeps never stood a chance!

After the Egg hunt at Grandma and Grandpa's.  They all had so much fun and the weather was spectacular.

Kelly is secretly saying to me "no I don't want my picture taken here - the queen mother of all bees is in this tree."  (By the way, she was quite right!)

Audrey, got to enjoy the egg hunt as well.  She was so thoughtful of the younger kids (not pictured are my bros kids) and left all the easy eggs for them.  Looks like she still got enough! 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Elephant in the Room

So it seems that I am selfish and the world revolves around me.  This is what I was told today.  Perhaps I am, aren't we all at times.  Honestly, if you are telling yourself at this point that that simply isn't a true assessment of yourself then you need to take a long hard look; everyone has a moment, EVERYONE!  OK, now that that is all cleared up I can move on.  So here is why I was told this.  Yes, I am going to share, it would be terrible to start the post with out following up on why I made the opening statement.  So, for those who have followed, my hubby was laid off work, then called back on a less than part time basis, but enough that he cannot file for unemployment benefits to cover the difference.  This week has been a difficult one for me in that it is my oldest daughter's birthday and Easter.  1) we don't have the funds to get her a present let alone throw a birthday party for her and 2) we don't have the extra funds to get Easter gifts for the kids.  This has me out of whack.  I have TERRIBLE coping mechanisms, TERRIBLE.  When the elephant finds its way into the room, I can see nothing else than the elephant.  It is grey, obnoxiously large and frightfully stinky. 

So my hubby, who does not cope the same way that I do, thinks that I am selfish.  Me, I have to talk through things.  I have to beat a dead horse, I need to kick a dying dog, I need to diagram and detail the bits and pieces of the elephant.  I need a spreadsheet with several alternatives to how the problem is going to work out or at least find a viable solution.  He, does not.  He needs to sit and play video games and let it go like water off a duck's back.  Well, the thing about ducks is that they are much, much smaller than elephants and can get squashed FAST!  There we have it...he sees a plush toy and I see a circus animal - this is why we have problems when the elephant enters the room.

What am I going to do?  I have thought about finding things to sell on eBay, getting a second job, selling blood, platelets, a kidney or some other vital organ, obviously not my heart, since I have also been told I don't have one. 

I need to learn to be happy in all circumstances and not let things bother me. I could go back to drinking.  That made me happy.  It also made me ugly, but always happy in the moment.  However, that costs and again I am reminded of that elephant.  I could find another outlet, another crutch, another something to induce happiness but alas I do not know anything.  Everything takes time, time is money and that blasted elephant just entered that room. 

I need to run....before I get trampled.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

13 Little Blue Envelopes

This is the name of the book that I read today.  It is somewhat of a coming of age story about a 17 year old girl who is sent on an European backpacking adventure by a deceased aunt.  In this story the girl is to fulfil 13 little quests; each one she is to do only after completing the other.  I laughed, I teared up, I longed for more, I was angered by the injustice, and found myself trying to tell her not to do something.  In the end the book was magnificent.  It was a book that I would have relished a read from when I was that age, knowing that there was a world out there to claim and just now, double the years later, with the guts to actually go out to see it, but with the responsibilities that will not allow it.

I cannot say enough about this little book or how anxiously I am awaiting the opportunity to read the next one called "The Last Little Blue Envelope."  (Or at least I think that is what it is called.) 

I think back to all the little "road" trips that my BFF and I took.  How far we seemed to have driven, only to look back on it now and realize we never did travel out of our comfort zone.  I would relish the opportunity to backpack Europe, swim in exotic places, hitchhike across America, and all those other things that sound like amazing opportunities only when you know there is no way to act upon it.

I am now reading "On the Road."  This is, at this point, a story about traveling across country.  I am struggling immensely with this story.  It isn't that it isn't well written, that I am sure of, I am listening to this story, which means I will more than likely finish it, but I am just not into it.  I am going to give its fair due and will make an assessment when I am done, but at this time the struggle is there and I am only on disc 2 of 10.  (EEK!)

There are 3 other books that I have started and not yet finished.  It is like I am hitting a wall genre-ly speaking, if I may so crudely butcher that word.  1 in a paranormal historical romance (yes, even for me this is a stretch...) and 2 of them are Sherlock Holmes books.  The later 2 are faster reads, I just find that I'm not giving them the attention it takes to fully digest what I am reading.  Perhaps they will make it on my list by the time the year ends, but I will not hold out for delusions of grandeur at this point! :)

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Reading, Writing, and no Arithmatic

We all know that I am a reader.  After all, that is what the premise behind this entire blog is.  However, another passion of mine is writing.  There are times when I just have to get the words out.  When I am in a funk, or have a particularly strong feeling/emotion and I need to pen it.  I believe, also, that this blog has given that understanding as well.  Here's where I'm going with that.  I was reading last night and came to the end of a book, quite unexpectedly and quite upsettingly (the author had a few points she could have wrapped up,  but that is between me and her...LOL!), and pulled out a notebook (I have several lying around in several places all over the house) to write down the titles of the books that had teasers placed at the end of the book I had just finished. (The teasers sounded pretty good, why not pick them up and read the whole thing?)  Anyway, so the notebook I picked up just to happened to be one that I was apparently using to record random thoughts.  This, is not a anything new and well, I am sure I have many, many of random thoughts roaming this house in print form.  Ok, so I read this, and was actually quite impressed.  Yes, I know I sound vain, but hey, if this was a teaser for a book, I would have written the title down so that I could read it.  Which, now brings me to the point of this blog post; I am going to share it!  Yeah, you could see that one coming, huh!

It really does happen; falling in love that is.  I've heard it said a hundred times that you can't have your cake and eat it too.  Funny thing is, I don't think that those individuals knew how to actually see things for what they were.  Confused?  Allow me to explain.

I must admit I am an avid reader.  Ok, that may be an understatement, but I do read voraciously.  However, I drift primarily to one genre of books - romance.  Oh it doesn't matter the kind; contemporary, historical, paranormal, new and old alike.  I read the cheap dime store types as well as the larger novels.  As I said, it really doesn't matter!

Why do I read these?  Why am I drawn to a romance novel over any other kind?  Quite simply the reason is love.  Love is addicting.  Love makes you see something for the first time while simultaneously not seeing anything at all.  Love is, well, love.

There you have it.  Seems to me I was on to something.  Now if I could just remember what it was, when it was and why it was, I could finish the thought.  I feel like that is just the tip of that iceberg and I need to find the rest of it.  But, I guess that is why they are called teasers - they want you to get drawn in! 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Catching Up is Hard to Do

I posted yesterday to my FB page: "Why does not having something to do, feel really like I'm forgetting to do something?"  In a weird way, I feel that same thing today.  I mean, it isn't that I haven't "done" something, it is well, simply, that I have not gone out and "DONE" something.  In fact, it has been a remarkable week in which I have been given the opportunity to "catch up" on things.  Yet, despite that, I find that, eek, that too is not getting done.  Or rather it is, just not as quickly as the getting behind gets done. 
I have just started scrapping my oldest daughters vacation pictures from our trip to Chicago in 2008!  I know!  I have so much to catch up on.  In fact, I have a very bad feeling that my children are going to be parents themselves by the time I get the chance to complete their scrapbooks.  Now, that said, I'm sure I am grossly misstating this fact!  After all, I am only roughly three years behind give and take the few photos I have so wonderfully scrapped out of sequence and the studio photos, which piled up in rapid succession over the years.  (That, thankfully, is a costly habit that I outgrew.  It is hard trying to capture everything professionally. Life doesn't happen in a photo studio!) 
Sadly and I will definitely give this a great amount of grief, is my decline in reading.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am reading, just not as much as I was when the year started.  Strangely, I have about 5 different books going right now.  I get into one and then get bored with it and start another.  I just can't seem to keep focused on a genre or a certain author for long these days.  Not that I am a scatter-brained person, I just can't keep the focus.  And, for that, I am going to totally blame this semester of school.  Hey, it is my right after all, well, that, and the fact it is the utter truth.  I have never in all of my post high school education spent this much time dedicated to studying a specific course or set of courses.  Which, regretfully, is why some of the past courses failed to live up to my grade expectation! LOL!
So, as I set here typing away, to catch up on this extremely neglected blog, I am making the mental list of all the other things in which I need to accomplish before bed tonight.  Then, I think I will start another new book.  Now, don't judge, after all I am reading!