Thursday, November 20, 2014

Heartache

I have tried to put this post together many times over the past few days. Yet, every time I would get a few sentences in I would get distracted or have to run off to something the Littles needed me for.  In each of my attempts I have wanted to pour out the sadness, the pain, the heartache, and the agony that has consumed me.  Honestly I still want to do that.  I still want to cry all over this post.  I want you to see and feel what I see and feel.  To a point, there is still a chance that will happen here, tonight, as my fingers meet the keys.  But, to be honest, I think God gave me the distractions to keep the wrong words from coming out, the hurtful words.  Not in that I would have been mean, but in that I wouldn't have been fair.  We do that sometimes, don't we?  Most especially when we hurt, we use our words.

He broke up with me.  This man that I had fallen in love with.  This man who I met last fall and spent several months getting to know before officially "dating.  This man who was sweet enough to ask me to be his girlfriend at that end of March this past spring. This man who, well, will not be a part of my future in the way that I had hoped.  I seem to have a knack for giving my heart to men that don't really care to have it.  I apologize, that is not a fair assessment, because at one time he did - He certainly showed it.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you there weren't things.  There were things.  Things like differences of opinions and not just on trivial things like does a hamburger need mayonnaise or not - which, YES, it does!  But differences on important things.  I will not share that, it isn't fair.

I will tell you this man who I loved, he got me with his love for church and Bible study and following God's will for his life.  I mean, what wasn't there for a girl to love?  I need that.  No, not just that, I WANT that in a partner.  I want him to want God only above a relationship with me.  It is important to have that.  One should never question where they stand in a person's life, ever.  I firmly believe, and only because I have seen it with my own eyes with my friends and their spouses, is that when a man truly loves a woman she and no one else will wonder where she stands in his life.  This thing alone will create the greatest peace of mind.  Peace of mind speaks for itself.

I'm 36 years old.  I'm not getting any younger.  (Thankfully I don't have a ticking biological clock!)  I know just 2 short years ago this was the same sentiment that I  had. In fact, it was the same sentiment I had last year.  I was afraid of getting older and being single.  Seems I keep finding myself in the same spot.  My life is like a horrible remake of Groundhog Day, yet I'm not reliving it with the same people, just the same outcome.  And this, this right here is where all of my friends tell me to wait.  To wait on the Lord and his timing. To trust the process and that He knows what He is doing.  To trust that He has just the right person in mind for me.  People,  I want to believe and trust and be ok with the wait, but I'm not.  I'm not ok.  I'm very much so not ok.

And that is where I am today.  Tomorrow is another day, but today, today I am hurting and broken and sad.  So very, very sad.


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