Have you ever looked back over a situation and wondered just how you made it through? Me too. In fact, I've been thinking over the past 2+ years a lot these past days and wondered where on Earth did the strength come from and where on Earth has it gone? There are things I know to be absolutely true about me and then there are the things that I know are lies I tell myself because the truth would hurt all that much more. Before you interject your ideas as to the difference between the two, allow me to explain.
Truths that I know about me:
1. I am a strong person. Head strong that is. I am a truly stubborn woman. My grandma used to tell me that this would be my nemesis someday (my words not hers exactly, but it was the point given). She was right, this is at times my undoing.
2. I am a weak woman. Emotionally speaking. I wear my feelings on my shirt sleeve. I do not hide them nor do I sugar coat them. This too, is my undoing. (In fact, if I had to wager I believe this is the reason many people walk out of my life instead of staying in it.) Happy, sad, mad, upset, angry, you name it and you have no doubt what it is I'm feeling.
3. I am impulsive. Yes, I tend to let the aforementioned emotional imbalances I have override my greater thinking. It isn't necessarily all bad, but then it isn't necessarily all good either. The main positive about this is I hate shopping so I am not an impulse buyer!
4. I drag my feet. In other words - I procrastinate. I fear. Fear immobilizes me. Instead of doing the things I must I let them go for as long as they can and then I react. I am a master at this. However, in light of this, I have learned some valuable lessons I may have never otherwise had the opportunity to learn.
5. I am impatient. There are things in life that get to me so much. I do not like waiting. However, I should point out, this typically only pertains to relationships. Ok, this absolutely pertains to relationships. Long lines...no problem!
6. I am patient. I love the thrill of anticipation. For example, I have my next race on December 20th where I will be crossing another item off of my running "bucket list". I will be running a leg of the Huff Ultra (For those who don't know - that is a run over 30 miles SQUEE!!!). I simply cannot wait, but I also know I have a lot of training to do for this. It will be cold, possibly wet/snowy, all trail, and mentally tough. Thankfully it is only a 10 mile run. However, the process to get to that point is something I enjoy.
7. I am apathetic. I turn off my feelings to others because it hurts too much. This is most especially when I feel at a loss on how to process a situation or to help. I always want to help.
8. I care deeply for others. Believe it or not, I am the kind of person that will do everything I can to help another. Need something? If I can't make it myself, I'll figure out how to get it for you. Need to barrow something? If I don't have it, I'll find a way. Have a project that needs done? I'll put together the details. I like helping. I like doing. I like reducing the pain and stress of others. Sometimes this backfires in the worst of ways.
Lies that I tell myself:
1. I am too weak to get through the pain of loneliness. It keeps me in a cocoon that even I cannot work my way out of, let alone another.
2. I am a failure.
3. I am not good enough to keep.
4. If I was someone else, I would be loved.
5. I am not pretty/skinny/visually appealing enough to be wanted for forever.
6. I am not marriage material.
Truth and lies make up each and every one of us. My truths have detail. My lies do not. Not because there aren't any, but that they would further expose my weakness. I know that others only want to read upbeat stories, stories that inspire them to be/do something bigger than they are now. Actually, you may be one of them. However, I think in all those inspirational stories one of the things that gets glossed over is the fact that there is a process to it all. There is a time when broken has to be fixed, when wrong has to become right, and when lost has to be found. All true stories have a journey. Some journeys are short, while some are painstakingly long. I'm beginning to think mine isn't the Cliff's Notes version and some days I am ok with it, others not so much.
I do hope. I want to trust. I have faith. I want to believe. Ultimately I do know that God works for the good of all that love Him. (Romans 8:28)