Sunday, February 28, 2016

Finding my Place

I want to be completely honest with you.  I struggle with who I am.  I struggle with what I am supposed to do and what I am supposed to be.  There are days when the answers seem so incredibly clear and days when I struggle to recite the ABCs.  I hate putting my self out there like this, but something about today warrants the transparency.  My greatest and biggest fear is that I won't be good enough.  I am so epically afraid to fail that it consumes me.  In fact it drives me to ends that I cannot even believe I find myself.  This desire not to fail brings me to fighting for justice in regards to myself and my children, even when there isn't a fight there.

People, I loathe this.  I abhor the fact that others judge me and my parenting and my way of raising a family simply because it is not the same way that they would do it. I hate that because of this I lose relationships due to lashing out and protecting my own. I do that.  I will fight for and protect my family more than anyone has vocabulary and understanding to comprehend. I ma not a bad more, but I am a supremely protective mom.  This is not to say that I do not know the humanness of my Littles, but that in all ways I will fight for their better good.

There are two things I wish to share.  And in this sharing I do not care how you receive it.  This is for me.  You see, the Ex-Mr has a lady friend.  One that he had a while back, but broke off with due to not having enough time with the Littles.  A truly admirable thing, really.  recently they have gotten back together.  I will let you know that I could not be happier.  I know this sounds weird, especially for those of you that have been reading my blog for any length of time.  But the thing is, this woman made an impression on my Littles.  She is also a person who was willing to put aside her feelings and desires to ensure my Littles got the time with their daddy. 

While I may not have my  life as I imagined it 10 years ago, I have a life that God had worked in. My biggest concern is that my Littles have another home that they go to where the "momma" of the house loves and cares for them and teaches them the things that mammas should.  While there is much growth that needs to occur there are a couple things that really stand out about this person:

She isn't fake.  She doesn't need to pretend to be someone else in order for my Littles, or me for that matter, to like her. She is a grown woman.  Status means nothing to her. 

She teaches my Littles things.  There are things I do not know. For example, I cannot crochet.  I try.  I have a hook and yarn and two hands.  I also have a ball of 'whatever make a cat happy' and that is all.  I wish the concepts of this were easy for me, they are not.  She has taken the time to teach my Littles. Only a loving woman would do that.  I thank her immensely.

I care naught for mainstream music, media (read that movies and videogames) and attire.  Ok, she isn't pretentious in the clothing arena either (thank goodness!).  Where I am unable to relate to my girls she is.  I do not care for music, movies, video games, etc.  Yes, some would call me a fuddy-duddy.  She shares this with them.  I am so thankful for this.  Not having to know this allows me time to know what I know and teach what I know and grow them in those areas specifically.

Now to there character.  It is so much more important to me that my Littles have 2 homes where all the people involved care for them.  I believe whole heartedly that they have this specifically.  It is also my heart's desire to have this relationship with my own step-Littles.  However, there isn't the same level of understanding and knowledge in that relationship as there is in the one with my Littles.

I can only trust that the Lord knows exactly what he is doing.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

In Over My Head

Have you ever had a moment, or two, where you felt that you were in over your head?  I won't lie to you, these past few months have felt like that to me.  I should back up a pace or two.  I jumped in feet first in to a full time graduate study program.  Me, a wife and mom of 5 (3 daughters & 2 step-sons), full time(+) employee, and mediocre friend.  (I give it that moniker these days because I think my relationships are falling apart because I'm unable to give more of myself.  I fear I will lose them on this journey, and yet pray they are still there for me when I finally cross that finish line.)  Anyway, my point:  I'm in over my head.

Now, I will never sit here and tell you that everything you want in life should be easy, or come easy, or EVER, EVER be given to you.  No, I'm a firm believer in earning what you have, in devoting the necessary time and passion towards goal achievement.  Gosh...I just spat that out like a paper.  Which, I should be writing right this minute about Anti-Trust laws, but my head is so horribly full of information that it can't sort the bits from the pieces and the words from the points.  Yeah, that is an epic level of bad. 

But it does bring me to the reason for this post.  People, more than anything in this whole world (career wise) all I have ever wanted was to become a teacher.  I love taking concepts that are hard for some and breaking them down into usable and retainable information.  I love the look on someone's face, or the excitement in their voice when the idea that was once so insurmountable becomes understandable.  Yet, I fear failure.  I feel that I won't write something correctly, research something thoroughly or properly enough, and my honest intentions will become a pile of rubbish on paper. 

I know what this degree means.  It means the difference between an opportunity to apply for  a professorship and not.  It means a step towards doing what my heart longs to do and continuing on in the field of work I am currently in.  (Which I do love.)  I can tell myself that I am capable, that I am smart enough, that I will graduate, but what I am afraid of is still never getting to teach.  It is this thought that occupies my thoughts and causes me to struggle with my course work and ultimately feel like I am in over my head.

Oh, I know, it's as easy as saying: "well don't do that," "give it to God," "just take it a day at a time," so on and so forth, but it truly isn't that easy. 

Oh well, time to get back to this paper and give it what I've got.