I Read Too Much

The tiny little drops break my heart.  Her tears fall warmly onto my shoulder.  I can do nothing but hold her and let her know how much mommy loves her.  My littlest little cries.  A lot.  As do most children,  but my little girl, she cries because she misses her daddy.  Today, while she cried, I cried too.  I used to hold them while they cried and tell them everything will be ok.  That we were going to be ok.  We are.  I know that, well someday.  Yet today I couldn't not cry.  I wanted to stay strong and mom-like for her, but the broken woman in me won.  She doesn't come out as much anymore, but she is there, under the surface as a constant reminder to what will never be. And that, that is why I cried today.  My tears mixed with her tears.  When she told me she missed her daddy, I told her I did too.  I do.  I miss my family being my family.  I miss that we, together, won't be watching our Littles grow.  That because he wanted a different life it was ok to ruin ours.  On

I've had a rough weekend.  There are days that I feel great.  Days where nothing gets me down.  Then there are days like today, well, the last 3 actually, where I can not find an ounce of joy to save my life.  Oh, I don't let others see this.  I show them smiles and laughs and all of that, but inside there is nothing there.  These are the days when I am completely full of pain and hurt and buckets full of tears that want nothing more than solitude so they can fall. I was sitting here Saturday morning and I looked over at my littlest little and all I could do was cry.  Here sits this beautiful little girl who never would be here if we didn't fight for our marriage and work through some of the ick.  Every marriage has ick.  Every relationship has ick.  Each and every one of my littles is a reminder to me that at one time all of the ick was just small potatoes compared to honoring a commitment made before God.  But, that was then, this is my reality now. I'm sure I'

I know we have all, at some time or another, thought about what we would say to our future self if we were given the chance.  This has been on my mind a lot lately.  I know that I cannot change my past any more than I can foresee my future, but what I do know is that I can take what I have learned and apply it to my future.  So, if I were to write a letter to myself, today, with what I know now, this is what I'd say. Dear self, It's ok.  No, really.  It is quite ok not to have all of the answers.  You weren't meant to.  I know that there is going to be a day when you will search deep to find them and you are going to come up empty; really, really empty.  Again, it's ok.  Honestly there may not even be a place to find the answers.  There are things in life that can't be found online or in a book.  These are the things you may not even get the best advice from others for.  It's ok. You have to be ok with not knowing.  It will be hard, but you've been there

A little over four weeks ago I set a new running goal.  I do that - sometimes.  I set goals.  I wouldn't like to admit I fail at most of them, but sometimes I am a bit more aggressive in thought than I am in action. Regardless, I set a goal to run 100 miles in 4 weeks time.  For some this isn't a hard goal.  In fact, many of the running pages that I follow, for them, this is a small amount of miles to achieve in a month, then for others the goal is equally as challenging. The point is, I did it.  For the first time ever I was able to finish my 100 mile goal.  I'd like to say that it was my marathon training that did it.  Truthfully it actually was.  (With a slight modification to have that many miles.) You see, there is something about the rigid training one has to go through to prepare for a race that long.  I've read many articles on line and in my running magazines that say training for a marathon is more than strapping on shoes and hitting the pavement.  This is t