Sunday, October 30, 2011

Procrastination

Why do today, what you can put off until tomorrow?  Or wait, isn't it why put off until tomorrow what can be done today?  Oh, I always get it mixed up, but I do know one thing, procrastination always happens when life comes first.  Here is why: kids.  They don't care that you have homework or even an exam to take.  No, they still need fed, taken care of, time spent with,  or in other words, bonding.  So, what is the one thing that gets pushed aside?  Exactly, it isn't just one thing, it is many things, and for me that is anything that takes time away from them.  After all, it wasn't their choice that I went back to college as an adult.  Nope, no sirree, it was my desire to stay employed that did that.  Regardless, I have found that I've become the world's worst procrastinator and in all honesty I can't rightly blame it all on them, as easy as that would be.

Now, I'm sure if getting this degree was something I really wanted it would be a different story.  Oh, don't get me wrong, a higher education is something I really want and in some sense already have.  Granted, it is the form of a measly Associates Degree in Business.  Meh...with that these days you can't even find employment at McDonald's; which is why I am pursuing its big brother the Bachelor's of Science in Business Management...blech! 

So here, I sit, knowing I have T minus 12h 47m until the deadline for my Finance class on line exam and I really have no desire to start it.  I get 2 hours for said exam and it only covers 3 chapters (the first one was 90m and covered 6 chapters).  Now, I'm looking at that thinking, either it is really, really hard and he realized from the first exam that not all students are doing well or he added several more problems to the exam.  Either way, I am in no hurry to rush right into it and start.  Of course, not doing it now in no way removes the fact that it needs done, but...

...yes, yes, I know...I'm off to get it done!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Snarkiness and A Few More Random Thoughts

Have you ever woke up on the wrong side of the bed, and I don't mean geographically?  Today, I did.  I don't know what it was, perhaps it was the way the previous day ended, or that the new alarm clocks we just had to have don't work in the simplest manner, or perhaps because my toddler decided that she needed to crawl into bed with me halfway through the night thus destroying any chance at sleep I was going to get.  Whichever of the aforementioned it was, or wasn't, I am snarky.  Yes, this isn't a wildly recognized word, in fact it is one I only recently learned, but sakes alive it certainly has the character and unique enough sense to truly describe my attitude.

Have you also noticed that on those exceptionally snarky days others tend to reach out to you more?  By this, I mean, every one and their cousin decides that it is the day they just have to text, email, call, IM, or otherwise contact you.  These are the days when a person can never think for themselves so they must call you several times in a row to ask you the questions you would have already provided answers to, due to your ability to think ahead into the conversation, but they hung up too quickly in their haste to complete said task half-baked?  Yes, you are completely feeling my snarkiness, aren't you.

Then, it is only after the day is lost, you finally stop to realize that through all this snarkiness you forgot to enjoy your day because you were too focused on what you wanted to be left alone to do, to actually do it.  (Circular, but rational, I know.)  So here are the random thoughts my day has drawn a conclusion to:

1.  No one else can know how you feel on the inside if you don't verbally share it, but do so only in a calm and collected manner.
2.  Yelling, fuming, stomping your feet, and huffing in annoyance doesn't remove the fact someone else needs answers.
3. The day is going to go by regardless of how you feel, so get over it already.
4. You will never be able to reclaim lost time; therefore, enjoy it while you have it.
5.  Some of life's lessons are taught repeatedly and yet never learned.  It is kind of like analytical geometry or thermal dynamics...yeah...the subject matter goes over your head!
6.  Children don't get sarcasm.  They take everything at face value.
7.  If you want something done right, realize right isn't always black and white and then let someone else handle it.
8.  Perfection can only be achieved by 3 people: God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit; don't try to fit everyone else into that mold - they can only get there on their own free will and the personal help of the aforementioned.
9.  Life will happen whether you enjoy it or not; simply put, the choice is yours.
10.  In the end, I really do like to help others and feel blessed they think I am smart enough to answer their questions, or in the least, they value my opinion enough to ask for it.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Car Go Beep, Beep

I realize that my title is by far childish, in fact it is down right rediculous, but it was the nicest thing I could say to express the way I feel.  When a child is small, typically around toddlerhood, grown-ups think it is great fun to teach them car sounds.  Perhaps it is more because saying vrroom, vrroom and beep beep are fun to say and the child presents an excuse.  Regardless, it happens.  So there we adults are, training generations on the first basics of car vernacular.  Why is this so significant?  Well, there comes a time, roughly 14-15 years after those first utterings that said child will get behind the wheel of a car; heaven forbid!  Honestly, I now fully realize how my parents felt X number of years ago when I first started to drive.  However, that is another topic for another time.  I'm making a different point tonight.

Now enter this scenario:  It is raining, heavily.  There are 2 lanes on the exit ramp which pump into 5 lanes of highway that abruptly reduce down to 3.  There is a little black pontiac cruising along in my blind spot that won't go anywhere and we are quickly approaching the "if I don't get onto the highway now, I'm going to eat sound barrier and guide rail" moment and I start to speed up.  The individual, who at this time shall remain ageless, decides, oh crap I better slow down, I speed up, which the person behind me follows suit, only to get into the rain induced blinding mist coming off the mud flaps of the eighteen wheeler who couldn't get over either.  This, in turn, causes me to have to get quickly behind the semi and into the other lane before I became road kill.  Unfortunately there was only one place left to go and that was in the precariously close range of a silver Lincoln Navigator. 

Now, all that said, the little girl driving the black Pontiac was probably applying her lipstick, while texting some rediculous string of letters commiserate to OMG this lady just...letter, letter, number , number combination, all the while singing "car go beep, beep" to the tune of what ever popular Justin Beiber song is current on the radio waves.  The guy in the Lincoln decides he is going to take his $50k dollar vehicle and make it into a death machine, in such, he attempts to run me off the road, I think he missed his exit playing his games, oh well, vrroom, vrroom, beep, beep buddy.

Now I am home, heart back to its normal rate, and thinking back on the potentially fatal circumstances of my drive home from campus.  What could I have done differently?  What possible string of events could have allowed for less rage?  I will never know, but I only hope the little girl has pucker perfect lips and the guy in the Lincoln was able to get out of his vehicle with clean seats.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Time

Several years ago, circa late 1997/early 1998, I went on a group "date" with a bunch of friends and we watched a scary-ish movie with a song in it which lyrics stated "time is on my side, yes it is."  I can't help but to think, that though the memories of that evening are greatly shadowed and the people I shared it with are vastly dispersed from my life right now, that there was some truth in the matter.  I know this probably seems like a form of psycho babble, but work with me here.

Time has a way of being on our side.  No, really.  I know that it flies and it is something no matter how hard you try you will never get back, but it is those moments you are given that are truly yours; they are essentially on your side.  For instance, this weekend, the sum of 48 hours, in no way held the adventure, the lure, the promise, of great memories being made, but it held in it time spent in my home, with my family, doing what families do.

What does that picture look like?  Oh, for certain it looks nothing like your picture, but in the album of my mind it has a place.  I won't have a song to recollect it in the next decade or two.  In fact, I wouldn't count on being able to describe it to you in another week, but for what it was and is finishing to be, it was my time and it was on my side.

May you start your day, or finish it, with the thought that though it may not have held all it could have, it was given to you none-the-less and for that you were able to walk side by side with it.  Happy memory making to you.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Helpless but not Hopeless

Today was a difficult day.  My little girl had to have emergency surgery.  Well, the doctor's called it that.  I didn't see how they thought it was much of an emergency seeing as how it took almost 42 hours from the moment the doctor said it had to happen that it did, but emergency none-the-less.  Now, that said, and for those who know me, I was going crazy.  Me, the natural fixer of all things; the person that always needs to help someone find the answer or direct their path, etc, etc.  I couldn't "fix" what was the matter, per se.  There I was the person she needed the most to help her and I had to let her go.  Allow me to start at the beginning.

This past weekend baby girl got sick, really sick.  Due to this "cold" (for lack of better terms) her tonsils and adenoids swelled up to such a large size (they were on a bigger size to begin with - but not causing her any issues with eating, sleeping, breathing, well functioning in general) that she couldn't breath.  In fact every breath she took through her mouth, because she couldn't breath through her nose, caused her whole body to lurch and she gasped.  Think about how a 50 year, 3-pack a day, veteran smoker tries to breath after walking up a flight of stairs, yes it was that bad.  Therefore, I took her to the family doctor first thing Monday morning at which time he sent me straight to the ENT specialist.  The ENT took one look in her throat and said they needed to come out.  So he scheduled her for Wednesday  morning, today. 

So there I was looking at my little girl, who was struggling to do what we are all fortunate enough to do and I couldn't make her better.  That is a parent's worst nightmare you know, not being able to take care of your child.  He assured me that this was routine and that I needn't worry.  I think he failed to realize taht which is routine for him is in no way routine for me; whereas he may go through several sets of adenoids and tonsils a day, I most certainly do not!

So there we were 730 this morning changing our baby girl into her teddy bear hospital gown (which got me wondering why adults don't get fun prints) and I was mentally running through each horrible thing that could happen.  I knew they were unfounded, but needless to say the thoughts were there.  After we got her dressed we went to the staging area (for lack of better words) and she had to go through the gamut of questions and pre-op tests.  I was strong for her here, but the minute the scrub nurse came to take her back to surgery and my little girl got up from her daddy's lap and walked hand-in-hand with the nurse, my insides fell apart.  Then I remembered that even though I had no control over the situation, my Jesus had complete control and He loves her more than I ever could and since I love her with my whole heart, that is saying a lot.

Post-op recovery was awash with emotions, but the doctor didn't steer me wrong.  Her routine procedure, which yielded as the doctor quoted "trophy sized tonsils that the nurses were climbing over each other to see" went well and she is now safely home with us.  The moral of this story?  Simply put, God is always bigger than what's the matter; it's the remembering of that that takes some working on!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Deciding Which Road to Take

Have you ever been disappointed?  I mean truly, unequivocally, disappointed? When this happens is it the result of another person?  Or perhaps it was due to some preconceived notion or plan you had developed that didn't pan out the way you thought it would?  Sure you have.  In fact, I knew the answer to this even before I made the words come together on this page.  You know what I don't know though, is how you get through it.  That is the million dollar question today.  It isn't so much that I am looking to write a book and I am seeking ways to fill it, but that I wonder if there are others who suffer from the wrong way to process the disappointment.

You see, when disappointed the first thing I want to do, yes even as a thirty-something I still do this, is throw a temper tantrum.  For some reason, the inner toddler in me wants to come out and be heard.  After all, there is something that is not right in my environment and I do not know how to process the feelings that I have.  This tantrum occurs, despite the disappointment, because it isn't specific to one thing.  However, what I do know, and am learning to control, is that it is no more acceptable for me than it is for my toddler.

I wonder if it isn't my fears that drive the tantrum throwing?  Perhaps when faced with the disappointment of a broken engagement (not the marital sort, the appointment sort) it is the fear of abandonment that drives it.  Or when someone breaks a promise, it is the fear that I failed to deliver something I should have known to deliver.  Or when another doesn't live up to my preconceived notions, then, gasp, it is my fear of not being the person they need me to be.  Yes, I know putting it all down on paper, per se, does make it seem all very...sad, but it is what it is. 

Therefore, in light of the fact this very thing has happened today, in fact, just in the past hour, I am going to take a moment to decide which road to take.  I have taken the destructive one far too many times so I am going to take a moment of inner reflection and upward projection and take a road much less traveled, at least by me, and accept that these things happen and for it I can do nothing, save for to change my take on it.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Power of Routine

There are days when the best thing that can happen is that nothing happens at all.  Well, almost nothing.  These are the days that are started and ended with out hick-ups; the ones that flow solely because they have a routine.  I like that word - routine.  It is a comforting sort of word.  One that implies there will be no surprises and you can bank on what will occur.  For instance today - get up, go to work, go to class, pick up the kids, check school papers, ensure kids are showered, teeth are brushed, and they are snuggled into bed.  These routine items rarely change, at least for this semester.  I am sure the next one will create a new series of events that will define our way of life. 

It is quite funny, not the ha-ha kind, but funny none-the-less how the simplicity of a daily task can make a chaotic, harrowing event pale in comparison.  Perhaps not in the moment, but in the larger scheme of things that event is but a blip on the map of life; something similar to the tiny town I live in.  Why so much about routines today, you ask?  Simply this, a routine is a habit and some habits are good and there is one habit/routine that I am working on setting.  This particular thing is far too important to be just a momentary blip; no, this one has far greater importance.  I am referring to my devotions. 

I would like to encourage you all to form this routine, if you haven't already, but in all honesty today I don't think is a day I want to go there with you.  Instead, I want to keep this light.  Therefore, think back to your day, for those in a different timezone, think back to the prior one.  Was this a day filled with routine?  Did you find it to be comforting and exciting because of it?  Or are you like some of my friends, in such you enjoy constant change?  Did you know that constant change has a routine?

Time to go, I still need to check the free Kindle book list, check in on FB and read some more of my current book before I can tuck myself into bed. Ah...routine, how sweet the sound.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

20 More Random Thoughts

OK, so I started typing today with one point to make and realized that you can't force a subject.  True writing will flow when there are meant to be words on paper, or in this case letters in space.  When it comes down to it, I just have a list of random thoughts going through my head.  Perhaps a bir of my randomness will become a conversation starter for one of you out there, or perhaps not.

1) Wishing to be something doesn't always bring it to fruition.
2) Time is not relative, it moves regardless of who you are or what you are doing.
3) Submersion in anything will not make you an authority.
4) The answers aren't always in the back of the book.
5) People come and people go, what matters is that you remain the same.
6) Friends are those people who know the real you and still call to say "hi".
7) People can never be a replacement for God.
8) Heartbreak follows the former when you don't realize its truth.
9) Reading just the headlines will not give you enough information to hold an intelligent conversation.
10) Being in two places at once will never happen, choosing which place to be can make the world of difference.
11) Busy-ness is not always the answer to boredom.
12) Raising a family doesn't take a village, it takes want to and determination.
13) The road of life is paved with good intentions; not everyone will see it this way.
14) Perception will trump fact in every situation, don't waste time trying to set the facts straight.
15) Reducing your calorie intake will only get you so far - then discouragement takes over.
16) Loneliness is a state of mind; it just happens to be bigger than Texas at times.
17) You can't ever get more out of life if you aren't will to put more into life.
18) Raising children is hard work and in the end you need to be happy with the job you've done, not worry about what another person thinks.
19) Growing, shaping, and forming little minds is not a task to be taken lightly.
20) Someone always has it worse, but still be happy for the guy who has it better.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Broken and Beautiful

OK, so I am moving a little slow through James.  Well, it is has more to do with my inconsistency of devotional time.  I reread James 4 this morning, more from forgetting where I left off rather than the desire to reread it, but boy am I glad I did, since last time (being a couple of days ago) I totally missed this section. Perhaps God is talking to me after all.
 
How many times have you been tempted to think to yourself or whisper to another something negative about yet another person?  Now, now, don't sit there and try to say you've never done such a thing.  You are human; therefore, it has happened.  How do I know?  Because I have done the same thing!  Ah-GASP!  Don't be shocked, as I have probably shared the thoughts with one of you, or vice versa!

Here is what I read, rather reread, this morning, but actually understood or grasped as if for the first time.  (I love how God does that by the way; showing you something again as if for the first time.)

James 4:11-12 says: "Brothers, do not slander one another.  Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it.  When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgement of it.  There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy.  But you - who are you to judge your neighbor?"

Pretty convicting isn't it?  Almost like a harsh slap across the face.  However, not that physically scarring.  I can't help but to think how many I hurt without their knowing because of my littleness.  By littleness, I mean, that I was too focused on sitting in judgement of them to realize the brokenness I myself have.  Each of us has a brokenness and each of us has a weakness, but God He is made complete in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9) It isn't that He desires us to be broken and weak, but that he desires that we seek Him to complete our wholeness and fix the brokenness in us.

What is my weakness?  What is my brokenness?  Oh, I can no sooner pin point that one thing than to admit there is only one thing.  However, what I do know is that I am broken and beautiful because He says so, but I am also made whole by Him because He is always faithful. (1 John 1:9)

In ending, I offer my apologies to all that have been subjected to my brokenness.  It is my hope that God will continue to grow me to a point where this is something I never have to seek forgiveness for again.

Have a blessed day! Oh...and enjoy this song! Broken and Beautiful by Mark Schultz