Monday, January 30, 2012

The Perils of Communication

Have you ever noticed that the more you want to talk to someone the more likely it is that no one is there to talk to?  As of late, I find this to be, increasingly more, the case.  I also wonder if this incessant need to talk to someone has more to do with the fact that technology allows me to do so in ever varying ways.  For instance I can call, text, IM, email, FB, or something akin to that.  However, all those avenues do not mean there is actually someone on the other side to reply.  This lack of response leads to even more desperation to reach out; like this insane craving for a fix.  I'm sure a junkie could relate to this; however, this fix isn't a chemical one, ok perhaps it is to some degree, though not of the lab created kind but more the phsyiological kind. 

So there I was today, leaving work and wanting more than ever to share my day with someone. I wanted to share all that had occurred but there was no one there.  I tried my bestie, but due to the time zone differences she was still at work, so I left a voice mail.  I called my grandma, but didn't want to data dump on her as it would have been overwhelming for her. (I have that affect on people some times.)  I couldn't call my husband as he was at work - plus he doesn't understand my chatter and tunes me out quite often.  As I sat there I quickly realized how alone in this world a person really is.  Despite all the modes of communication available, if you have no one to really reach out to, they are but a defunct tool in an already overcrowded tool box.

That made me realize another thing, even with all my friends, and I do have several, I don't have that bond which makes me comfortable enough to call them up and share such things.  Perhaps it is because I am secretly afraid there will be a judgement of some sort, a level of indifference, or by chance, a label of pretentious or ostentatious that will be applied to me.  Therefore, all this has left me with a story to tell and no one to tell it to.  So I ask, do I share my joy with the masses and, in the end, feel good for just getting it off my chest or do I keep it to myself and wait for either my bestie or my hubby to be available?

In hind sight my story is most likely a frivolous accounting and deaf ears would have abound anyway, which left me with telling it to myself and typing this diatribe on the wonders of technology and the lack of respondents.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

My 2011 Book List


This is the list of books I actually finished in 2011. I started many and finished most. Some held my interest and some were a complete waste of time. I learned a few things that were of value and learned some things that I really could have went my life without knowing. Some of these were well written, while others not so much. I can't say I plan to have such high reading expectations for myself again, but never-the-less, here are the previous year's litterary accomplishments. (OK, the picture is coming across as a just a tad too rosey!)

50 Ways to Hex Your Lover

6 Rainier Drive

13 Little Blue Envelopes

A Chance in Time

A Fair of the Heart

A Fair to Remember

A Fool Again

A Husband for Margaret

A Knight to Remember

A Lesson in Forgiveness

A Lesson in Friendship

A Lesson in Passion

A Lesson in Patience

A Lesson in Presumption

A Little Magic

A Stranger in the Family

A Suitor for Jenny

A Taste of Magic

All I Want for Christmas

Almost Perfect

Always the Baker, Never the Bride

Body if Evidence

Bootscootin’ Blahniks

Callaghan’s Bride

Chief Cook and Bottle Washer

Christmas at Harrington’s

Code Blue

Crime Scene at Cardwell Ranch

Dark Legacy

Deadly Sanctuary

Dear Cupid

Destiny by Design

Disaster Status

Don’t You Just Hate That?

Fools Rush In

Forty-Four

Getting the Pretty Back

Happily Ever After

Heart of Gold

Heart of Ice

Heartbreaker

Hide In Pain Sight

His Wicked Kiss

Home At Last

Independence Day: Book One

Irresistible Forces

Just As I Am

Kissing Kelli

Kissing Santa Claus

Lawless

Listen

Lone Star Christmas

Lonely Millionaire

Love at First Flight

Love Drunk Cowboy

Love Me If You Must

Love, Unexpectedly

LTT: Calhoun

LTT: Connal

LTT: Ethan

LTT: Evan

LTT: Harden

LTT: Tyler

Maid for the Millionaire

Match Point

Millie’s Fling

Miss Match

Modern Day Drifter

Montana Creeds: Dylan

Montana Creeds: Logan

Montana Creeds: Tyler

Montana Dreaming

Murder a La Mode

On the Road

Once a Cowboy

One Lucky Cowboy

Orchard Valley

Passion Flower

Rematch

Scared Stiff

SEALed With a Kiss

Second Sight Dating

Slow Hands

So Long, Insecurity

Sparks Fly

Speed Dating

Steppin’ into the Good Life

Stuck in the Middle

Texas Hold Him

The Australian

The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

The Deadliest Sin

The Italian Doctor’s Mistress

The Last Mercenary

The Law is a Lady

The Librarian

The Maine Event

The Tender Stranger

The trouble with Green

Under Suspicion, with Child

Unicorn Bait

When Love’s at Work

Wild Sight

Friday, January 13, 2012

Disappointment

There are times in life when you get so exited only to be let down.  Sometimes this is done slowly and yet other times, it is so abrupt you don't know how to respond until you've realized you are paralyzed from the intensity of the bruise on your ego.  I know that as a grown up there should be a level of comprehension and understanding that regardless of your best laid plans, intentions, hopes, and dreams, that the chance of having those taken from you is there.  It hurts no less than when a kid is promised a day at an amusement park and it is taken from them.  It is one of those things that makes being a grown up so hideously horrible. 

I am in this moment, or rather, just a couple of hours ago in this frame of mind.  I can't say that I didn't expect it.  Heaven's after 30+ years of life it is one of those things I should know the most, never, ever, get your hopes up.  But I did.  Why?  Because it involved one of my biggest passions; learning.  I love to learn.  I love to learn so that I can teach.  But I also know that there are lessons learned when the true act of "learning" isn't taking place.  Today was one of them.

Now, the next lesson is the result of the action.  How will I continue on after this particular lesson.  Do I move on and let it go like water under a bridge?  Do I sulk and become withdrawn like my sullen pre-teen?  Do I accept the fact, continue to give a 110% and learn on my own?  What is the answer?  I don't have the right one.  I know without a doubt what the wrong one is, but am in some sense without the power to control the emotions that are attached to it.  Yet, control it I must and therefore, will.

In the end the only way to remove disappointment is to count the blessings.  I don't have it as bad as others and as long as I never look at the better, I will never have a disappointment.  So, in that light, I have found the water under my bridge and in it is the letters that made up the sentences that I didn't want to hear today.  Letters that are swiftly floating out to sea where they will be joined by all the others and in the end become words of encouragement as they meld into something better along the way.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

A Lesson Learned

I couple months back I read a book called, "So Long, Insecurity" by Beth Moore.  That book made me laugh (out loud even at times), cry (a deeply painful sob), hope (for better tomorrows and better todays), and yearn (for more after the last page).  The book had such an impact on me.  I felt closer to myself after I read it, but also closer to other women, and before you misunderstand me, I mean I felt closer in that I understood motivations more.  You see, I am downright scared of new environments.  I am scared of meeting new people, even if we had met years before.  I am scared of saying the wrong thing, being the wrong person, not having big enough dreams, a big enough house, nice enough clothes, perfect enough children.  This book took me past that, and for the days and weeks after reading it I felt almost this ethereal sense of kindredness with womankind. In such, I felt that in the end we could all sit around and sing kumbyah and share cocoa, you know, the kind with the little marshmallows in it.  However, something happened.  Time happened.  The lessons I learned in that book, those thought provoking truths, and the full realization and acceptance of repressed memories that I finally let loose, disappeared.  They faded almost as quickly as the words were read in the first place. Why?

That is what is on my heart today; why?  Why, when a lesson is learned, especially the really good ones, is it next to impossible for them to remain learned?  What is it that I fear so much that a word so simple, yet so guilt laden, can make me run for my Kindle just to be enveloped in the warmth of a book that I have already read?  I think the answer is the question itself, fear.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of not really knowing the who I am meant to be, but still chasing the shadows of the personifications I've created for myself.  Please don't misunderstand me.  I have had many opportunities, I have received more blessings than I am worth, but in the end, am I who, what, and where I am supposed to be?  These thoughts seem so familiar as I look back, in my mind's eye, to my teenage self.  I had so much ahead of me, so much I didn't know and yet, I longed for it.  Now, twice as many years later I see that I know more, and have more, but am still in that place where I am looking forward into the expanse of life and am just as confused and scared and full of longing for what is to be.

 I don't mean for this to be melodramatic or dripping in "whoa-is-me-ness", but simply a reflection of where I am and where I go when I forget a deeply moving lesson learned.  Perhaps I have missed the boat in its entirety and the answer is not the question itself, but rather contentment and acceptance.