Thursday, November 27, 2014

I am Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving.  It is a day when we are to pour out our thanks for all things and find the blessing in all things regardless of what life has really thrown at us.  Today is a day where we are demanded by society to only see positives because after all, it could be worse.  Oh, dear, sweet society, yes it could always be worse.  I think we do that, though.  We like to discount people's pain most especially when we don't have the same pain.  We like to look at them and tell them, "be thankful..."  Just once, instead of telling them to be thankful for such and such, why don't we pull up next to them and feel with them.  Why don't we hold them while they cry.  Comfort them when they are shaking with hurt?  Truly this would be a wonderful way to show them that you care.  In turn, I promise, they will find thanks in that small gesture.  I would have found thanks in that small gesture.

All day today I have struggled with my thoughts.  I have agonized over what I should and shouldn't think, say, or do.  I've sat here and contemplated what I will say when a family member asks me where my boyfriend is.  How I should act when I see my family members and their spouses/significant others' and children arrive for dinner.  Where I should sit at the table and the conversation I should attempt to hold.  In the end I sat alone, in the kitchen while all the kids played.  At dinner I sat sandwiched between my Littles at the end of the table.  Afterwards I colored pictures with my littlest Little in the den while the rest of the families sat and talked about life and family stuff. Later, I curled up next to my oldest Little as she was sleeping away after her dinner. Then we left.

Now, I'm sitting here all alone while my Littles are with their daddy; it is his weekend after all.  I'm here by myself with no one to share the rest of this day of thanks with.  I've got my sweet Miss Clarabelle, but other than playing tug-o-war she isn't much for conversation.   This is where I have a hunch people are yelling at me through their computers saying - enjoy this time, read a book, watch a movie, run a few miles, something other than think about your day.  Oh, dear people, but how you don't know.  How you simply do not know. Things and stuff and activities will while away the time, but they will not heal the soul.  No, they bury the circumstance with busy-ness and dull the effects of reality.  Healing comes with time and working through it the way that is best for you.

However, in spite of all of that, I would like to say a few (more) things.   I am thankful.  No, hear me out.  I am thankful that I got to spend the day with my Littles.  I am thankful I got to see my family and eat a meal that I didn't have to cook (mom's are kind of cool like that).  I am thankful for Thanksgiving Day traditions even if the Bears lost and they are a bit modified from years past.  (both the traditions and the way the Bears played football today...ugh!!!)  I am thankful that for a short bit of time God allowed me the chance to not only have a boyfriend, but to love him the best way that I knew how.  I am thankful for a home to come back to and I am thankful for the ability to share my story with you. So, you see, I'm not without thanks.  It is there mixed with the pain and the heartache.  And I cannot wait for the day it is there where it isn't mixed with either of those things.  It will come.

Much love and Happy Thanksgiving, M

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