Monday, August 18, 2014

Giving Up

You know that feeling you get when you have been defeated?  First, to give it perspective.  I run.  A lot. I have ran many races 5ks through to a full marathon.  In each and every one of those I have never won, but I  have also never been defeated.  Therefore, the defeat I am speaking of does not compare to this.  The defeat I am talking about is the kind when you have given everything you have, when you have tried and tried and sought and there is simply nothing left and you are left with the exact same result - nothing, that is the defeat I am speaking of. 

The kind of defeat I'm talking about leaves you empty.  No, it leaves you more than that, it leaves you void of feeling.  So much so you could almost say you are to the point of apathy.  Have you felt that kind of defeat?  If not, please know you are among the select few who know naught of the soul-crushing agony it evokes.  This is where I am.  I am void of feeling.  I am to the point where I do not know what is up nor what is down.  I do not have a grasp on what it is or where it is going.  I am simply being.  I have to be here.  I have to have no thought or feeling where it is concerned because to feel, to care, brings more hurt.

You'd ask why don't you just exit the situation?  Why don't you find the answer?  Why don't you change the direction you are going?  These, my dear lovelies, are the greatest of questions, but the answer is not so concrete.  The answer in itself would require the absence of my being as each question comes down to the same answer - it is my life.  My life is a never ending cycle of the same thing.  I long and search and strive and then, ultimately I do not get.  What I get is to accept the position I am in and I have no say in it.  I have none, because to have a say would mean that the other person does not get their way.  And I have learned long ago that the other person always gets to have their way.

I've been reading a lot.  My devotions almost daily, my Bible just as much, as well as a book by Mandy Hale called The Single Woman.  I've come to a conclusion, the harder we fight for something the less likely it is to actually become ours.    I've fought.  A lot.  Hard.  In all the words I've read I've found one continuous ideal after another, you don't have to fight for what is meant to be and God is the giver of all that is meant to be.  So I beg to ask, does God not want for me?  Oh, I know it is selfish of me.  I know there are folks with much, much more to fight for in their life, but this is my battle.  The one that I fight.

But here I am ready to give up.  Or maybe, I already have...

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