I began this post on June 25th.
A year in the rearview...
Most folks do a year in review January first, because you know, it signifies the beginning of a new year, a new beginning, new opportunities. Well, as you know, I'm not "most folks!" I decided to use today as my year in review. Not because I think I am above or different or anything of the sort, but because quite clearly it has been one year. One year that my divorce has been final - that is as of yesterday. Also, yesterday being my birthday.
You know there were so many things that I learnt last year. So many lessons, so many things I found. Things I found out about myself, things I wished I wouldn't have found out about myself. Things I found out about others, things that you really find what others are made of - not just yourself. This past year has just been one of many ups and many downs. Time and again people equate life to a roller coaster; I think it's a great visual. I mean for those who have been to Cedar Point and seen the multitude of roller coasters styles you can, at some point, take that picture and put it into your life. And you can say, yes, right there. Right there I was climbing that steep hill and right there is where I was just free falling, there's the loopty-loop, and there, there is where it ended. But I got back on - again. And I think that is where I am at.
I am at that point where I don't want to get on this roller coaster again. I don't even want to tell you I want to get in line for a different one. I know life is going to put me in a queue. I'm going to get in there and I am going to be behind somebody else who's going to be on the same roller coaster, but they are going to have a very different experience of it. But that is what this is people, my experience of the roller coaster I just got off of. This is me looking back and reflecting upon what I have seen, what I have heard, what I have been through. The joys, the sorrows, the pains, the heartache, the truths - yes, all three sides of it, and most importantly the glory. The glory of a Father who never gave up on me even in those times when I gave up on him.
And I did. I gave up on him because I didn't want to listen, because I wanted to ride that roller coaster. I wanted to do it without a seat belt, in the front cart with my hands in the air shouting "look at me, I've got this thing!" In the end, I should have been in the middle, safely strapped - not following, not leading, but enjoying.
Today, nearly a month after speaking this into my phone for me to type out later, I realize so much more about that year. I realize how I failed myself because of some of the choices that I made and wish that I would have been stronger. I wish that I would have listened to that still small voice and paid attention to all of those red flags, but I didn't. No, what I did was let the loneliness of my situation overcloud my judgment and forego the lies for truths. That is a hard pill to swallow. The knowing and the wishing. However, there is no going back in life. There is no do-over, no mulligan. There is taking the picture in the rearview and going forward from it. There is knowing which queues to get into and which ones to avoid.
I may not be where I want to be today, but I do know that I have come very far. I also know that I have lost some of the blessings that God had reserved for me because of my defiance and because of that I will never know what He had planned for me. Those are my regrets. I wish I would have stayed strong enough to let God be God. Instead I am where I am, glancing in the rearview.