Sunday, November 30, 2014

Lost Love

Do you ever just want to yell at God?  No, I don't mean like when you yell at the guy who cut you off in traffic, I mean yell at him over things that happen and demand of him the reasons for those same things?  I do.  I want to scream at him at the top of my lungs to ensure that he hears me.  No, not just hears me, but feels me.  Feels my pain.  People, I am so very mad at God right now.  You want to know an ugly truth about me?  I hate myself.  I hate that I am not good enough for another person's love.  I hate that no matter how hard I try, another person always steals the person I love away from me.  Each and every time.  I hate that I am so wrong for everyone that they run from me as fast as they are able and when the dust settles I am left holding a broken heart and lots of memories.  Always only memories.  Not plans for the future, just the moments of my past.

Why?  I know this is an age old question and the heart of it is freedom of choice.  We as humans constantly get the opportunity to chose.  God doesn't force anything.  And the thing about choices is when something that appears to be better comes along, most people go for it.  It  is easier that way.  It is always easier to leave than to work through differences.  In fact, I am sure most folks stick around during the rough bits just waiting for something/someone better to come along.  That seems to be the way of it.  It seems to be how it ends up. 

I want to be strong right now.  I want to have all the answers and all the faith a woman of God is supposed to have.  I want to sit here and type out that I know the Lord is my rock and fortress and mighty tower.  I want to stand firm in Him and His promise.  His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me, but the human part of me, it is too broken to see these things.  Oh, deep in me I know these to be the truest forms of truth.  I know that my God is a God of good and pure and right.  That He only wants the best for me.  That He lets things happen sometimes because He is trying to grow us and show us.  I want to believe He is doing that, for me, right now because He does love me and has the best for me.  I want to feel something other than what I feel right now. 

So, I am going to ask you all something I've never once asked in all the years I've had this blog.  Will you pray for me?  Will you pray for God's hand to deliver me from this?  I know this isn't my first rodeo in the heartbreak department, but the pain and the hurt is the same none-the-less.  In some ways it is worse because it is different.  And me, I'm going to pray for you.  For all of you experiencing the same thing right now, because I know.  I know better than you think. 

Lord, right now, there is a woman (maybe even a man) out there who has just been let go by another.  Right now they are full of hurt and pain and a soul crushing heartache.  Lord I ask that you pick them up in your mighty hands.  I ask that you come before them now and hold them, let them feel your gentle touch, the softness of your arms around them, and the comfort of your power and strength protecting them.  Lord I know you do not like to see your children suffer.  Lord I ask that you help to dry tears and calm hearts.  I ask that you help them to get a good night's sleep.  Lord I ask that you speak right to their heart and soul the words they are so desperately longing to hear right now, "I love you."  In your name Lord, Amen.

Much love to you all tonight and the days going forward.  I will keep up.  I will get through this.  I will be more than I am right now. 

M

Thursday, November 27, 2014

I am Thankful

Today is Thanksgiving.  It is a day when we are to pour out our thanks for all things and find the blessing in all things regardless of what life has really thrown at us.  Today is a day where we are demanded by society to only see positives because after all, it could be worse.  Oh, dear, sweet society, yes it could always be worse.  I think we do that, though.  We like to discount people's pain most especially when we don't have the same pain.  We like to look at them and tell them, "be thankful..."  Just once, instead of telling them to be thankful for such and such, why don't we pull up next to them and feel with them.  Why don't we hold them while they cry.  Comfort them when they are shaking with hurt?  Truly this would be a wonderful way to show them that you care.  In turn, I promise, they will find thanks in that small gesture.  I would have found thanks in that small gesture.

All day today I have struggled with my thoughts.  I have agonized over what I should and shouldn't think, say, or do.  I've sat here and contemplated what I will say when a family member asks me where my boyfriend is.  How I should act when I see my family members and their spouses/significant others' and children arrive for dinner.  Where I should sit at the table and the conversation I should attempt to hold.  In the end I sat alone, in the kitchen while all the kids played.  At dinner I sat sandwiched between my Littles at the end of the table.  Afterwards I colored pictures with my littlest Little in the den while the rest of the families sat and talked about life and family stuff. Later, I curled up next to my oldest Little as she was sleeping away after her dinner. Then we left.

Now, I'm sitting here all alone while my Littles are with their daddy; it is his weekend after all.  I'm here by myself with no one to share the rest of this day of thanks with.  I've got my sweet Miss Clarabelle, but other than playing tug-o-war she isn't much for conversation.   This is where I have a hunch people are yelling at me through their computers saying - enjoy this time, read a book, watch a movie, run a few miles, something other than think about your day.  Oh, dear people, but how you don't know.  How you simply do not know. Things and stuff and activities will while away the time, but they will not heal the soul.  No, they bury the circumstance with busy-ness and dull the effects of reality.  Healing comes with time and working through it the way that is best for you.

However, in spite of all of that, I would like to say a few (more) things.   I am thankful.  No, hear me out.  I am thankful that I got to spend the day with my Littles.  I am thankful I got to see my family and eat a meal that I didn't have to cook (mom's are kind of cool like that).  I am thankful for Thanksgiving Day traditions even if the Bears lost and they are a bit modified from years past.  (both the traditions and the way the Bears played football today...ugh!!!)  I am thankful that for a short bit of time God allowed me the chance to not only have a boyfriend, but to love him the best way that I knew how.  I am thankful for a home to come back to and I am thankful for the ability to share my story with you. So, you see, I'm not without thanks.  It is there mixed with the pain and the heartache.  And I cannot wait for the day it is there where it isn't mixed with either of those things.  It will come.

Much love and Happy Thanksgiving, M

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Heartache

I have tried to put this post together many times over the past few days. Yet, every time I would get a few sentences in I would get distracted or have to run off to something the Littles needed me for.  In each of my attempts I have wanted to pour out the sadness, the pain, the heartache, and the agony that has consumed me.  Honestly I still want to do that.  I still want to cry all over this post.  I want you to see and feel what I see and feel.  To a point, there is still a chance that will happen here, tonight, as my fingers meet the keys.  But, to be honest, I think God gave me the distractions to keep the wrong words from coming out, the hurtful words.  Not in that I would have been mean, but in that I wouldn't have been fair.  We do that sometimes, don't we?  Most especially when we hurt, we use our words.

He broke up with me.  This man that I had fallen in love with.  This man who I met last fall and spent several months getting to know before officially "dating.  This man who was sweet enough to ask me to be his girlfriend at that end of March this past spring. This man who, well, will not be a part of my future in the way that I had hoped.  I seem to have a knack for giving my heart to men that don't really care to have it.  I apologize, that is not a fair assessment, because at one time he did - He certainly showed it.  I'm not going to sit here and tell you there weren't things.  There were things.  Things like differences of opinions and not just on trivial things like does a hamburger need mayonnaise or not - which, YES, it does!  But differences on important things.  I will not share that, it isn't fair.

I will tell you this man who I loved, he got me with his love for church and Bible study and following God's will for his life.  I mean, what wasn't there for a girl to love?  I need that.  No, not just that, I WANT that in a partner.  I want him to want God only above a relationship with me.  It is important to have that.  One should never question where they stand in a person's life, ever.  I firmly believe, and only because I have seen it with my own eyes with my friends and their spouses, is that when a man truly loves a woman she and no one else will wonder where she stands in his life.  This thing alone will create the greatest peace of mind.  Peace of mind speaks for itself.

I'm 36 years old.  I'm not getting any younger.  (Thankfully I don't have a ticking biological clock!)  I know just 2 short years ago this was the same sentiment that I  had. In fact, it was the same sentiment I had last year.  I was afraid of getting older and being single.  Seems I keep finding myself in the same spot.  My life is like a horrible remake of Groundhog Day, yet I'm not reliving it with the same people, just the same outcome.  And this, this right here is where all of my friends tell me to wait.  To wait on the Lord and his timing. To trust the process and that He knows what He is doing.  To trust that He has just the right person in mind for me.  People,  I want to believe and trust and be ok with the wait, but I'm not.  I'm not ok.  I'm very much so not ok.

And that is where I am today.  Tomorrow is another day, but today, today I am hurting and broken and sad.  So very, very sad.


Friday, November 14, 2014

My Journey: Truth vs. Lies

Have you ever looked back over a situation and wondered just how you made it through?  Me too.  In fact, I've been thinking over the past 2+ years a lot these past days and wondered where on Earth did the strength come from and where on Earth has it gone?  There are things I know to be absolutely true about me and then there are the things that I know are lies I tell myself because the truth would hurt all that much more.  Before you interject your ideas as to the difference between the two, allow me to explain. 

Truths that I know about me:

1. I am a strong person.  Head strong that is.  I am a truly stubborn woman.  My grandma used to tell me that this would be my nemesis someday (my words not hers exactly, but it was the point given).  She was right, this is at times my undoing.

2. I am a weak woman.  Emotionally speaking.  I wear my feelings on my shirt sleeve.  I do not hide them nor do I sugar coat them.  This too, is my undoing.  (In fact, if I had to wager I believe this is the reason many people walk out of my life instead of staying in it.) Happy, sad, mad, upset, angry, you name it and you have no doubt what it is I'm feeling.

3. I am impulsive.  Yes, I tend to let the aforementioned emotional imbalances I have override my greater thinking.  It isn't necessarily all bad, but then it isn't necessarily all good either. The main positive about this is I hate shopping so I am not an impulse buyer!

4.  I drag my feet.  In other words - I procrastinate.  I fear.  Fear immobilizes me.  Instead of doing the things I must I let them go for as long as they can and then I react.  I am a master at this.  However, in light of this, I have learned some valuable lessons I may have never otherwise had the opportunity to learn.

5.  I am impatient.  There are things in life that get to me so much.  I do not like waiting.  However, I should point out, this typically only pertains to relationships.  Ok, this absolutely pertains to relationships. Long lines...no problem!

6.  I am patient.  I love the thrill of anticipation. For example, I have my next race on December 20th where I will be crossing another item off of my running "bucket list".  I will be running a leg of the Huff Ultra (For those who don't know - that is a run over 30 miles SQUEE!!!).  I simply cannot wait, but I also know I have a lot of training to do for this.  It will be cold, possibly wet/snowy, all trail, and mentally tough.  Thankfully it is only a 10 mile run.  However, the process to get to that point is something I enjoy. 

7. I am apathetic. I turn off my feelings to others because it hurts too much.  This is most especially when I feel at a loss on how to process a situation or to help.  I always want to help.

8. I care deeply for others.  Believe it or not, I am the kind of person that will do everything I can to help another.  Need something?  If I can't make it myself, I'll figure out how to get it for you.  Need to barrow something?  If I don't have it, I'll find a way.  Have a project that needs done?  I'll put together the details.  I like helping.  I like doing.  I like reducing the pain and stress of others.  Sometimes this backfires in the worst of ways.

Lies that I tell myself:

1. I am too weak to get through the pain of loneliness.  It keeps me in a cocoon that even I cannot work my way out of, let alone another.

2. I am a failure. 

3. I am not good enough to keep.

4. If I was someone else, I would be loved.

5. I am not pretty/skinny/visually appealing enough to be wanted for forever.

6. I am not marriage material.

Truth and lies make up each and every one of us.  My truths have detail.  My lies do not.  Not because there aren't any, but that they would further expose my weakness. I know that others only want to read upbeat stories, stories that inspire them to be/do something bigger than they are now. Actually, you may be one of them.  However, I think in all those inspirational stories one of the things that gets glossed over is the fact that there is a process to it all.  There is a time when broken has to be fixed, when wrong has to become right, and when lost has to be found.  All true stories have a journey.  Some journeys are short, while some are painstakingly long.  I'm beginning to think mine isn't the Cliff's Notes version and some days I am ok with it, others not so much.

I do hope.  I want to trust.  I have faith.  I want to believe.  Ultimately I do know that God works for the good of all that love Him. (Romans 8:28)