One year. That is what it has been since my grandma went home to sing with Jesus. I miss her. I know wanting her back is completely selfish on my part, but I do. I want her back. She was the only "adult" in my life that truly got me. (Yes, my bestie does, but really, it's not exactly the same.) Have you ever had that person you could call up and talk to for an hour (or more) about anything and everything and even though some of the stuff that you are telling them you know is stuff they should probably be giving you a tongue lashing for, they don't? That was grandma. Don't get me wrong, she'd give her advice, but only when asked. I miss that. I miss having someone I can talk to that understands the way my brain works, but understands more the truth of God's word and how to put the two together. I'm sure that sounds weird and altogether out there, but grandma knew the Bible and when something didn't add up, despite her obvious short-comings, she was quite good at bringing you back to where the truth of it all lays.
I think it must be a special trait of grandparents, you know, to finally have that wisdom on how to love someone fully and not sit there and criticize their every move or to tell them what they should be doing or how to do it, because that is the way she was for me. I wish Heaven had a phone because I long to hear her voice again. I'd love to hear her say Mandy-maw one more time. Then I'd just wait for her to tell me about all the new friends she has made, about how beautiful everything is, and yes, how she could finally sing!!! Then I'd ask her for help - help to sort out what it is that I need to do. How I am supposed to stay strong and independent and raise 3 little girls all by myself and not mess up financially and more importantly with just raising them right. And they she'd sit there and tell me to just trust, that I'm probably not doing such a bad job now, but when it's hard and it hurts it is hard to see that.
And it is. It is hard to see that. Then I'd tell her how the girls are doing. My biggest little with her breathtaking singing voice and her amazing artistic talent, my middle little who when she smiles her face lights up a room and how her team just one the division soccer tournament, and my littlest little who is so full of ornery and giggles and can say things that make a room erupt in laughter. Then I'd tell her that it was a rough couple years being single and even harder not having her to talk to. Then I'd say, but I'm here and God has kept me safe. That I've set goals for myself and I've achieved them, that I've pushed myself too hard too and I have had to stop running so I could heal. That I've met a man that just maybe will want me for forever and that I think she would really like him too. That I miss the feel of her hugs and her blasted diet Pepsi cans laying all over.
Even though there is so much more that I would love to share with her, I know that where she is now she is no longer in pain. She is singing, praising, loving, laughing, and learning all at the feet of Jesus. And I know that when angels sing, her voice is amongst them.
I love you grandma.