Do you ever just want to yell at God? No, I don't mean like when you yell at the guy who cut you off in traffic, I mean yell at him over things that happen and demand of him the reasons for those same things? I do. I want to scream at him at the top of my lungs to ensure that he hears me. No, not just hears me, but feels me. Feels my pain. People, I am so very mad at God right now. You want to know an ugly truth about me? I hate myself. I hate that I am not good enough for another person's love. I hate that no matter how hard I try, another person always steals the person I love away from me. Each and every time. I hate that I am so wrong for everyone that they run from me as fast as they are able and when the dust settles I am left holding a broken heart and lots of memories. Always only memories. Not plans for the future, just the moments of my past.
Why? I know this is an age old question and the heart of it is freedom of choice. We as humans constantly get the opportunity to chose. God doesn't force anything. And the thing about choices is when something that appears to be better comes along, most people go for it. It is easier that way. It is always easier to leave than to work through differences. In fact, I am sure most folks stick around during the rough bits just waiting for something/someone better to come along. That seems to be the way of it. It seems to be how it ends up.
I want to be strong right now. I want to have all the answers and all the faith a woman of God is supposed to have. I want to sit here and type out that I know the Lord is my rock and fortress and mighty tower. I want to stand firm in Him and His promise. His promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me, but the human part of me, it is too broken to see these things. Oh, deep in me I know these to be the truest forms of truth. I know that my God is a God of good and pure and right. That He only wants the best for me. That He lets things happen sometimes because He is trying to grow us and show us. I want to believe He is doing that, for me, right now because He does love me and has the best for me. I want to feel something other than what I feel right now.
So, I am going to ask you all something I've never once asked in all the years I've had this blog. Will you pray for me? Will you pray for God's hand to deliver me from this? I know this isn't my first rodeo in the heartbreak department, but the pain and the hurt is the same none-the-less. In some ways it is worse because it is different. And me, I'm going to pray for you. For all of you experiencing the same thing right now, because I know. I know better than you think.
Lord, right now, there is a woman (maybe even a man) out there who has just been let go by another. Right now they are full of hurt and pain and a soul crushing heartache. Lord I ask that you pick them up in your mighty hands. I ask that you come before them now and hold them, let them feel your gentle touch, the softness of your arms around them, and the comfort of your power and strength protecting them. Lord I know you do not like to see your children suffer. Lord I ask that you help to dry tears and calm hearts. I ask that you help them to get a good night's sleep. Lord I ask that you speak right to their heart and soul the words they are so desperately longing to hear right now, "I love you." In your name Lord, Amen.
Much love to you all tonight and the days going forward. I will keep up. I will get through this. I will be more than I am right now.