Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Beautiful Tapestry

I was recently told that I am a complex person, but in a good way.  Ha!  Well, truth, I am complex, good or not.  I am really working on this "who am I" thing.  I've had some amazing conversations with some wonderful people over this past week.  Truth, past several months. Each one has helped me peel back a layer of the person I always thought I was to find the person I really am.  You know, its quite funny really, when you look back and realize that you have created an image of  yourself based solely off of those things you think others expect you to be.  I know.  Fake.  I hate to admit that.  I am actually quite saddened by it.  But the cool thing I'm learning is that its ok to be me.  I'm an ok person.  Who and what I am are good, albeit not perfect - but really, are any of us?

Yet, this is where I begin to fight myself.  Where I begin to struggle with the real me and the one I created for others.  The one I created to be someone I am not because it looked and felt safer.  I find that I want to hide behind that again.  I want to run to that comfort zone so that I don't have to expose myself to potential heart ache.  I also find that I want to run away from anything that resembles possible enlightenment.  Again I fight myself.  I'm doing that a lot.  Especially this week.  Its quite intriguing really, when you stop and focus, exactly how many of life's lessons and how many words of passing advice will come rushing back to you.

That's happened in an unexpected way.  I'm finding myself in uncharted territory, in a place where I not only want to be, but am petrified to be.  I want to learn, experience, live, and feel, but at the same time what if, what if, its all not real.  What if I'm just one step away from an epic fail.  What if this fight destroys what could be because I can't control myself.  And it isn't externally portrayed, but internally battled.  These are some huge issues.  This is the baggage that people run from.  Hard and fast.  Where do I find that happy medium where I can look at myself in the mirror and see exactly who I am looking back and be ok with that, be ok with the fact that forever isn't in each person I meet.  But the moment is.

Despite this unnerving realization I find that I'm hopelessly searching for those answers.  That I am taking things painstakingly slow and yet alarmingly fast at the same time.  I find that there is a sheer joy in the friendships I am forming, but also a level of hesitancy.  I've read, countless times recently, that the best way to find what you are looking for is to get out and search.  And to search you have to expose yourself to the elements.  I'm discovering that this raw emotion, this intense search, is so much more complex than I had ever imagined.  To which, it fuels the fight within, this raging battle.

But, here's to not shying away from my complexity, for not denying the truth that is myself, for learning from each person that comes into my life.  Each person is an intricate weave into the fabric of our being and I find that the more complex those weavings are the more breathtaking the tapestry.  And that is it.  That is the pure truth of it.  I'm hoping to become a beautiful tapestry.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Qualities

Each day that goes by my heart becomes more, well, something.  I've had highs and lows.  I've had expectations and regrets.  I've anticipated and regrettably been let down.  I've been comfortable on my own and suffered from extreme loneliness. Despite all of this I'm still a mess.  I still struggle.  I'm beginning to wonder when that struggle will end. Will it ever end?  So today I thought it was time to share what I'm looking for.  There are specific qualities that are major - a complete must.  These aren't things that a person can fake either, these are things that will be who they are.  These are what makes them, defines them.  Pretending doesn't allow for this.  Oh, change can happen, but time is the only real tell of that.  Honest. To. Goodness. Truth.

Dear future person:

First and foremost be honest and have integrity.  Please, above all else, do NOT lie.  Be who you say you are and do what you say you are going to do.  I have a great memory.  I use it.  If you say you're going to call.  Do.  If you say you're going to text.  Do!  (This is important in all relationships, not just boy/girl.)

Don't talk to me like you are auditioning for an X-rated movie.  I am not a "hot chick who has a smoking hot 'bod' to be 'ravaged'!  I am a woman, a lady.  Yes, compliments are nice and very welcome, but let's keep them on the up and up - like 'you look pretty' or 'you are beautiful'.  See, sooooo much better.  (Those tend to elicit more smiles anyway.)

Be self-supportive and self-sufficient.  Yes, this means you can take care of your person and stuff as well as your finances.  I am not a bank, don't ask.  I do not want to remind you what deodorant is or how to work a shower.  I do not want to clean up after you, I already have 3 children.

Be kind.  Be nice.  Be humble.  If you can't be these things bite your tongue, then talk.  Yes, I admit these are also areas I need work on.  I am.  Continuously.  Daily.  Sometimes more earnestly than others, but I am working on them.  Which brings me to the next thing.

Grow for yourself.  Each day.  Grow to be better than the person you were the day before.  I do not want you to change for me.  Change for you.  Because it is the right thing for YOU!  Because changing for me: animosity comes from that, regret comes from that, actually - NOTHING GOOD comes from that.  (I know...I've had many broken relationships because of this!)

Be willing to tell your friend(s) "NO" for one-on-one time with me.  Yes, even if it is spur of the moment.  And for the love of all things holy...DO NOT have your phone out when having dinner, etc with me.  NO, NO, NO, NO...rude much?!

Realize that no two people are exactly alike.  Yes, some interests can align.  Some hobbies, likes, dislikes, etc can mesh, BUT there will always be differences.  This is not a sign of incompatibility, it is a sign of uniqueness.  Embrace that, but don't hold it against me and I will not hold it against you.  Oh, and really, if it is that bad - we'll know!

Share.  Talk.  Be a person.  It's ok.  Really!!!  You cannot learn about another if you do not try to know the person.  If you are not a talker, well, perhaps you should keep walking, because I am! (Comfortable, compatible silence is also good...this happens when the talking isn't necessary.)

I have a brain.  Yes, I'm educated.  I'm intelligent.  Now, I don't know squat diddly about a lot of things, but there are others that I can hold my own on.  Don't be intimidated.  Correct me where I am wrong but listen to what I say.  And NEVER, EVER, ask me a question and then instantly do a Google search to see if I am right.  If I don't know the answer I WILL TELL YOU! 

And last, but certainly NOT least - love Jesus.  Don't love Him to the point where you only use His name in appropriate matters, but REALLY KNOW Him.  Love Him like He is your everything, because guess what...He is! 





Friday, March 22, 2013

60 days

It's here.  The end.  Well, not really.  Its not that kind of morbid finality, but it is an end of sorts.  This is not a funny, happy, jump-for-joy, kind of thing either.  This is the end of a chapter of my life.  An end of something that could have been, well, obviously more than it is.  It is the end of my marriage.  Yes, today, today papers were signed, filed, legalities agreed upon, etc, etc.  Today, began the countdown to the next chapter.  The next story that my life will hold.

We had a good day, he and I.  We talked, laughed, quarrelled amicably (yes, it is possible), and took care of what needed to be taken care of.  There really wasn't much left, business wise.  After all, this process started last year.  I think there is a lot to be said for all of that time.  That time where I questioned, cried, loathed, hurt, prayed, yearned, and sought.  I sought.  Hard and Up.  And I found.  I found a peace, a hope, a trust, and a love - all through my faith.  My faith in God.  I can't ever discount the power of a strong faith, of a powerful God.  Because God carried me through.

Even though he and I have found that place where we aren't an us anymore, we are and will continue to become the best we can be for the kids we created.  It's amazing how sometimes it takes a healthy dose of perspective to get there.  Some from me, some from him.  I'm not going to disillusion myself to the point where I think there will never be an issue, because in all honesty, I'm sure there will be.  We're humans, raising other humans.  And humans cause issues.  Yes, its true.  We are, at times, issue propagating creatures.  The key is to find the best way, with the most necessary help possible, to work through those issues.  We've got, in the least, roughly 13 years to perfect it.  But hey, if we don't I think it will be ok as long as we do it the best way we can.

That's another thing about us humans - we aren't perfect.  Yet, I think when we stop trying to be perfect and embrace what we are and allow it to work with the other imperfect human(s) in our lives, we can  make something grand, which in a way can be pretty darn close to perfection.  For what it is, and for who it is.  For he and I, it is our children. 

So, now, 60 days until this monumental day, give or take a few for legality's sake, I'm thinking this is going to be ok.  I'm going to be ok, my girls are going to be ok, we - TOGETHER - are going to be ok.  Me, the imperfect mama human, with my 3 imperfect baby humans, working together to make the best of what we have, to become the best that we can be, forming our own kind of perfect. 

But watch out world...here we come! Imperfection and all!

Love, M

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Losing the Battle

I think I'm losing the battle here.   I pray that I don't lose the war.  I hate to admit that I am not as strong as other people think I am.  I feel like I am failing you.  You have this crazy thought that I'm making it, that I'm succeeding, that I'm being true to all that God has to offer and has designed for me.  I'm not.  I'm failing.  I'm faltering.  My walk is starting to look jagged.  It isn't what it should be.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm full of anger - with myself. 

How did I get here?  How did I lose sight of the prize?  How did I take my eyes off of the best thing that God had for me?  HOW?  It was slow.  Isn't it always?  Isn't it always that first glimpse of a shiny butterfly that flitters across your field of vision that piques your curiosity?  Then you find that you want to see it again, so you start searching for it.  You take steps in the direction you last saw it flutter-by.  And with each step in that direction you are actually taking a step away from the direction you should be going.  You are starting to get lost.  That butterfly is taking you in the wrong direction.  Then when you get there the butterfly morphs into smoke.  It was nothing.  A vapor. 

As you spin around, really seeing your surroundings for the first time, you begin to ask yourself, "How did I get here?"  And that dear friends, is where I am.  How did I get here?  How did I get to the place where God was no longer #1 in my life?  He was.  You read about it. You saw the words, here in blank on white.  They were concise, pointed, explained, and shared for you.  For you.  By me.  For me.  By God.  But I let it go to chase a shiny butterfly.  One that has proven itself to be everything that I knew it was before I sought after it in the first place.

And I miss Him.  I miss God.  I miss our talks, our walks, our bonding.  I miss knowing that He is the only man that I really need.  He alone knows what I need.  I want Him back.  I want to be loved like that.  I want to find someone who will love me like that.  I know God has someone like that in mind for me, but I'm not going to get him until I come back to Him.  A play on words, I know.  But its TRUE!  God needs me to only need Him.  Think of Job.  God was all he needed.  What an amazing man; lost everything, got it all back ten fold.  I'm not asking for a Job story, please Lord, DO NOT turn my life into that.  BUT - Help me now.  Where I stand now.  Help me find you again.  Help me come back to you.

I may have lost this battle, or in some case am losing it, but I do not want to lose the war.  I do not want to know what will happen if I do.  I want to see this through.  Father, Lord, help me find you again.  I NEED YOU. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Sound Advice

Most of the time, and I know you will all agree, advice is not welcome.  In fact, unsolicited advice is not only offensive, but a major turn on off.  But then, there are times when maybe, just maybe, advice is needed.  It isn't necessarily sought in a direct manner, but its received through a good conversation.  I received some of that kind of advice today; good, solid, sound advice.  It was packaged in a lovely, albeit too brief, conversation with my girl Tracie. 

I've shared a couple times lately how God brings people into your life.  Now, I've known Tracie for several years.  We've hung out, had girl time, and talked briefly from time to time.  Today, today Tracie ministered to me in many ways.  She brought a sense of understanding to my confusion, a clarity to my murkiness, and a peace to my internal war.  She did all this by simply using her words.  Her knowledge.  Her inside view of what I am going through.  True, no two people have the same problem or go through the same situation in the same way, but sometimes there is just enough the same that advice is formed, created.

I've had some struggles these past weeks.  I've had many of them actually.  My biggest?  Myself.  My biggest struggle is with myself.  My thoughts.  My wants.  My desires. My God.  Yes, I've warred with Him.  Oh, I know my troubles aren't of His making, He didn't force this situation, but He is waiting to see how I react to it.  And that is it.  I'm not reacting well.  Not now.  Not in the recent past weeks.  I mean, I was in the beginning.  During those initial months we were walking side by side, hand in hand, or in some cases He was carrying me.  But now.  Now, He is missing.  Oh, I know He hasn't gone anywhere, but I know it is due to my lack of seeking.  My lack of wanting that constant companionship, because I have wanted it in other forms.  I've wanted to speed Him along by doing things my way.

Those forms are other things.  Other people.  Other-ness.  So I asked.  I asked is this right?  Should I think like this?  Am I wrong?  Am I not a good enough Christian?  Am I being a bad person?  Ok, I need to clarify something because I know that there are people who are reading this who are forming their own ideas about what I am speaking of...DON'T!  DO NOT put your words to mine.  I'm sharing the truth of what it is right now in my transparency.  You want to know what she told me?  She told me that no, I'm not a bad Christian.  I am not wrong.  I just need to regain my focus.  I need to stop searching in all the wrong places.  I need to let God do what only God can do.  What ONLY He can do.

What only He can do takes time.  Not mine, obviously.  His.  His timing.  His perfectly precise timing.  So, I need to turn back to my Bible, back to my Jesus, back to the stone that I stood firmly on in those beginning months.  I need to go back to the one person who truly wants the best for me and will only tell me real truths, not those which will benefit them.  Tracie reminded me of this.  She KNOWS what I feel, how I feel, what I'm going through.  That is why I can trust her words.  I'm sharing this with you with the hopes that you can use this sound advice too.

Oh, I know that you didn't ask.  I know this is unsolicited, but you did click over to this blog for a reason.  So please understand, this walk, this journey, this road I'm on is going to look different at different times.  It is going to be bold, blunt, forward, and perhaps even funny.  But it is simply going to be me in written form. 

And sometimes it will be sound advice.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Waiting On God

I'm afraid.  I'm afraid to be alone the rest of my life.  I'm  afraid that I'm too old to be wanted, too something no one will like, too mommy-like to be thought of as a woman.  I'm simply afraid.  It really does hurt to be thrown out like yesterday's trash.  To be pushed aside by someone for something that looks like, smells like, tastes like something better than what you have to offer.  It really does a number to one's self esteem and self confidence.  I lack that - on an epic level.  I think the thing that is even more frustrating is that everyone keeps saying things will get better.  I laugh at that inwardly because all the people giving this advice are NOT in my situation.  They are NOT alone.  They HAVE someone to love and to share their life with.  They HAVE their happily ever after.  They are NOT broken, rejected, looked over, discarded, unloved.

I had a good friend tell me, just the other day, that I shouldn't be looking to get my worth from a man.  I know this.  I really do.  I know that I need to know who I am and be comfortable with that person, but I'm not because I'm not sure I really do.  I mean, part of who I am has always been an extension of what I am.  I was a wife.  There is a lot of strength to be had in that - A LOT!  Lao Tzu tells us that, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."  How amazingly true that is.  There is no denying the level of pure strength and courage that that kind of love can provide.  You have this almost super-human ability because you know at the end of the day you have someone.  There is someone there to want you, to hold you, to share your life with.  Then when that is gone your level of exposure is so intense that you cringe at every turn for fear you're not good enough.  You'll never be good enough.  After all, wasn't that the reason you were thrown out in the first place?!  Kind of makes you question your worth.

Then I have another friend who is constantly reminding me that if my focus is on God and no one else then I have nothing to fear.  I have nothing to worry about.  Why?  Because He knows me better than I know myself - and He loves me anyway.  He even loves me more than I love myself  (which I have to admit doesn't take much effort on His part).  Yet, knowing this, I still can't seem to find that same strength and courage that comes from loving another person.  What does that say about me?  It says I'm weak, I'm unfocused, I'm ungrateful, unthankful, but mostly - I'm human.  Yes, despite all that I am and all that I can be, I am still just a girl.  Still just a person who longs to be loved.

Joyce Meyer shared this thought today: "Wait on God and let Him do what only He can do." That's it, isn't it?  Giving God the power to take over.  He has it.  He really doesn't need me to give it to Him, but He wants me to acknowledge that I need Him to.  He needs me to KNOW that He loves me.  That He alone loves me more than anyone else ever could or will.  That I don't need another person because He really is ENOUGH.  He really is ALL I NEED. But then, then my humanness gets the best of me and I come full circle to the emptiness, the ginormous void that consumes me.

Why is waiting on God so hard?  Why is waiting for Him to fill me, grow me, change me, fulfill me, and provide that perfect someone for me so difficult?  Why?  Because, just maybe, what if there isn't anyone?  What if I truly am meant to never, ever, love again?  What if, I am never, ever going to be good enough? I mean, I already wasn't, right?  Just saying.

But - here's to waiting. Here's to waiting to see what God has for me.  Here's to waiting for that perfect person. (But please, please Lord, don't make me wait until I'm 80.  Age is already very much so against me.)

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Routines

Truly you would think I'd have this down pat, that I'd not be where I am at right now, but I don't and I am.  Parenting is hard.  No, scratch that, parenting is impossible.  Being a single parent just takes it to a whole new level of "oh my goodness will I ever get this right?!"  Seriously, it has been the girls and me for most of their lives, since their dad and I always worked opposite shifts, but there was still that underlying knowledge that he was there to help, especially during those off hours.  What a blessing that was.  I am recognizing that more and more as these days go on.  What I'm recognizing even more is that it truly does take a village to raise a child. Or, in the least, more than one adult!  Ha!

I'm not trying to put myself in the "I'm the only mom who has done this" category, I am not that naive, but I am the only me that has done this and that in itself makes me the only one.  We start our day, if we are lucky, somewhere around 530 (regrettably its been inching closer to 630).  Have you ever, EVER, had to get 3 little girls around at that time of day?  Let me remind you this is a one bathroom house!  EXACTLY!  It is like herding cats - an exercise in futility, but we're managing.  Dysfunctionally of course.  Then it is out the door to day care where I walk them in, talk to the provider, give them hugs, kisses, well wishes for their day, and race back to the van where I begin my decompression routine.  Otherwise known as - turning the radio up and driving to the local gas station for a 32 oz diet Pepsi - fountain of course.  After this I get to enjoy the next 35-45 minutes (depending on which side of the school bus route I am on) of me time.  I really, really do love this time.  I get it twice a day.  It's coveted.  I own it.  If I call you or text you during it - feel blessed and honored because I've just given what little of the precious time commodity I have, to you! 

I love picking up the girls.  Each day they act so surprised to see me.  "Mommy, you're here!"  Ummm, yeah.  I mean, really, after all these years you'd think they'd understand the routine, but its ok because I love seeing how excited they are to see me.  I'd like to sit here and tell you that it is like this for the rest of the night, but I'm not going to lie.  It literally takes 3.2 seconds from the time we all get packed into the van until the whining, complaining, tattle-taling, pinching, poking, kicking, crying, ok you get the picture, begins.  One wants the radio, one the DVD started, and the other wants to talk.  I'm sorry, I don't care how good of a parent you are, you simply CANNOT do all three at the same time.  NopeNo wayNo how.  And wouldn't you know, the option you chose begins a sibling rivalry war of epic proportions.  "You love her more than me!"  "You NEVER let me have what I want."  "You don't listen to what I say."  Yadda, yadda, yadda....patience...now GONE!  (And we aren't even home yet!)  Did I mention it is a mile and half from day care to home.  I know, right?!

Then when we get home the evening routine begins.  Heaven help me.  I am a creature of habit.  I like to do the same thing.  After all, don't ALL parenting books tell you that routine is the best thing for children?  Obviously these people have never had to really raise these creatures.  Don't get me wrong I do have adorable beasts, but small children, all girls, all with VERY DISTINCT personalities, all with growling bellies, homework problems, and an undeniable amount of exhaustion are well, NOT caring about routine.  Routine is the bane of their existence.  They want their woes cured and they want them cured now.  Again, I face the "I'm only one person here!" issue.   Seriously, how do I suck at this so badly?  Once food has been given, homework completed, and some semblance of calm has taken over the next battle ensues.

I have to ask.  Am I the ONLY mother alive that has girls who balk at taking showers?  I cannot get these kids to get cleaned up to save my life.  Really!  I mean, isn't that supposed to be what girls do?  Maybe it's their age.  Please, Father above, tell me it is their age.  Truthfully, I think it has more to do with the knowledge that bed is rapidly approaching and naturally it should.  I mean, already 2 hours have passed and all we've done is eat and study and bicker.  Girls bicker.  They also pinch, kick, fight, pull hair, instigate, call names, and so much more.  I love my girls, but I think boys may have been easier.  Obviously God had something to teach me.  (I'll take the Cliff's Notes at any time, please!) Now, an hour later when bathing is complete, hair is combed, teeth brushed, and the reminder that "yes, you do have to wear your pajamas" (you'd think they were practicing nudists) has been reiterated for the umpteenth time, we begin to talk through when bed time is.

Yes, it is the same time frame every night, yes they know this, but each day we have to go back over it - making it another 30 to 60 minute stress-inducing portion of the day.  Why?  Because little girls that are so past tired that they can't think straight want to do everything BUT go to bed.  Bed is a bad word in their vocabulary.  It is evil, vile, and their nemesis. In a couple of decades it will become their best friend, I cannot convince them of this now.  Oh, but I try.  I totally try.  Our bedtime routine consists of tucking in, praying, tucking in again (the 4 year old), reminding them that they do, in fact, HAVE to sleep, turning lights out, hugs, kisses, tucking said 4 year BACK into bed, and finally descending the stairs.  Where, if I am lucky enough I have some time to myself to do things like...sit here and tell you all about these things!

- One tired Momma. Night all!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

The Right Things To Say

Have you ever been consumed with some emotion, any emotion really, but consumed by it on a level so epic that you invariably said something that you shouldn't?  Yeah, me too.  Honestly, I do it a lot.  I'd say 99% of that verbal spewing is done offline, but there are times when my emotion overloads my reason and I let my fingers do the talking.  I did that today.  I did the one thing I told myself once all this ick started to happen, that I'd never do. I opened up that ugly door, the one I have kept tightly closed, and let something out.  I shared some of the dark, dark thoughts that I had, the ones that emotion creates.  Now, only because I know you can't pop on and see what I wrote, know that it wasn't physically harming or demeaning, but it did show a side of me that I've worked, honestly that the Lord has worked, hard to keep covered.  By covered, I don't mean a shameful hiding, by covered I mean covered by the grace of God and the love of Jesus.  He has a bountiful supply of grace; I should know, he's given me a lot of it.  And more and more so these past weeks and months. 

So this verbal onslaught, which was seen by more eyes than it should have, has since been removed from those that had the access to see it.  A few people commented, many didn't.  However, it was the comment from one friend in particular that opened my eyes.  God is good to give people to you that bring you to the level - especially when you don't want to be, but totally NEED to be. In my opinion God puts people together for a reason, or puts people in our lives for a reason, but I'll get to that a bit later.  It's funny you know, how when you are in the midst of something exceedingly emotional you don't see your actions as wrong, even more so when you are hurt.  And today I was hurt.  I was let down.  A couple times in fact, but this is something I needed to bathe in prayer, not public scrutiny.  Really, what was my goal?  Did I want cheered on?  No, I simply wanted to share my hurt.  But that is the thing isn't it?  Misery loves company and that is never the right answer.  NEVER.

There are right ways to express the wrongs in your life and there are definitely wrong ways too.  Regrettably, social media allows for too much knee jerk type utterances to be shared.  I mean, look at all the ways people are swallowing their tweets, and posts, and well, everything the second after they are entered.  And today, today I crossed a line.  I became one of them.  I feel ashamed that instead of taking my feelings to the Lord in prayer, I allowed my humanness to seek its revenge.  When all I really had to do was step away from my keyboard and into my room and kneel.  I needed to humble myself and let God take over instead of my emotion.  He will, too, you know.  He is bigger than all things and will show us when we stop to let him.  When we stop to let Him

But it is in those times when it doesn't always happen as it should that He provides us with help.  Sometimes when we get the help, it comes at a sacrifice.  It comes at a loss of face with another person.  They get a peek into that closed door, the one you wanted, truly, for the Lord to help you keep sealed tightly - forever.  Then in hindsight you start to realize that you should have been stronger (always stronger), but since you weren't you're thankful for the honesty, brutal that it may be, of a friend.  Someone who you hope doesn't write you off for your infraction, but sees you still as a person.  A person who has a ways to go, one that will never reach perfection, but with the Lord's help and grace can grow into something worthwhile.  Someone worthwhile.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Baggage

We all have some.  Each and every single one of us.  Some carry it in pretty little satchels where it is tucked neatly into strategically placed compartments, while others drag it behind them in plastic bags where something inevitably falls out from each newly created hole.  I'd like to say I'm one of those who carry their baggage in a pretty little satchel, but I can't.  Truth be told, there are are times when the holes in the plastic bag I'm dragging get so big I have to put them into a pretty little satchel to hold them in, but in the end, it all comes out anyway.

That's the thing, isn't it?  When is the right time to show it, to let it out?  Is there even a right time?  Yes!  In fact there isn't just a right time, there is an EXACT time and its different for each of us.  It is that time in which you are most comfortable with the you you are and honestly trust the other person enough to let them see and know the real you.  Here's the thing.  Yes, there is a reason for this - there's always a reason.

Meeting people is simple, but letting them KNOW you is hard; its scary, its life changing, its well, its just not easy.  But there is more to it than just that.  There is more to this thing than just letting others know who you are, you also have to be willing to know who they are - the baggage that they carry also.  This is a great honor and a true blessing.  One that should not be taken lightly. 

One thing that I'm learning is that no matter how open you are with another, give and take, they may still not be willing to share.  And even when they do, they may not always be comfortable and trust that you are truly accepting of their baggage.  Even when you are.  Even when you want them to understand that it is who they are that really matters, that you are really there to help them carry that satchel or bag.  That you want to.

So, to those who have read about my baggage, who know more than I've shared publicly and to those who I have had the privilege to listen too...

Carry it strongly and proudly.  It is a part of who you are, BUT...and please understand this if you hear nothing else from what I have to say tonight...YOUR BAGGAGE DOES NOT HAVE TO DEFINE YOU!  You can carry it to remind you where you've been, what you've been through, and to keep you sound, but you don't have to let it run you.  You can rest assured that you are not alone. 

And because I know there are people reading this, shaking their heads, calling me naive (in the least), I know that there is negative baggage, there is that crap that is just that, crap...to which I need to say my peace - carrying that baggage is a person.  I special, kind, lovable person.  A person, who may hide behind their baggage, but can still be cared for, and yes, even loved.  Even if they fight you every step of the way.




Saturday, March 2, 2013

Loneliness

Each day gets harder as the realization sets in that I am all alone, so very, very alone.  It's quite sad, really, this feeling.  I've had so many people tell me that this too shall pass, that I will come out stronger in the end.  Truthfully I feel everything but strong.  I feel lost, hopeless, rejected, worthless, and a bevy of other feelings along this same line of thought.

I have a lot of fabulous friends.  Many of whom have given me advice - some that I would never act upon.  Yes, I really want to move on, but there is a line that cannot be crossed.  A line that quite frankly I wouldn't cross regardless of my spiritual and/or religious beliefs.  But I know what they are saying and understand their reasoning.  But it just isn't going to happen.

Then I have the advice of friends that are more in tuned to the love and teaching of the Lord than I am.  Yes, it's true, I don't have a flawless walk, but show me a 'perfect' Christian and I will show you the Jesus they need to meet.  Just saying.  But I wonder, too, if this is good solid and sound advice.  Is it really the right thing too? 

All of this is so confusing.  These feelings that I have are tearing me apart on the inside.  They are ripping me to shreds one painfully searing strip at a time.  I have cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in a week, and yes, I have cried a few times this past week.  I cried myself to sleep last night.  It was a session of tears that lasted several hours in fact, only to wake with red, puffy eyes and to start the process all over again.  I've written many letters to God letting him know how I feel, yet something in me thinks they are falling on deaf ears; although, I know the impracticality of that thought. 

What I long for is so out of reach and each day instead of seeing it get closer I feel that it gets farther and farther away.  I hope, I pray, and I long, but the pain intensifies, magnifies really, with each and every passing day.  I look so hard for the answers but they are as illusive as specters in the night.  Yet the harder I look, the more doubt I have there will ever be answers to find and this produces epic levels of mucky thoughts in my mind.  Then these thoughts bring up all the feelings of inadequacy I have in me.  Why am I not good enough?  Smart enough?  Fun enough? Lovable enough?  Pretty enough?  Desirable enough?  Yes, all of that.  But, truly it all comes down to finding the cure to all this...

...this LONELINESS.