Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Uncertainty

For those who have followed this blog for any length of time you know that I've had an interesting couple of  years in that my personal life was turned upside down.  So you know, this post isn't going to be about that; well, for the most part at least!

One of the things that really hurts about the changes in my personal life is the fact that for  any and all burdens I face, in regards to my home life, fall solely on my shoulders.  As in I have no one to share the struggle with.  This brings me to the spot I have found myself in.  For the first time in my entire adult life I find myself facing an uncertainty that I do not know how to work through.  Yes, 2 years ago I was in the same boat for entirely different reasons and today I am here for a complete set of other ones. 

If I am to be honest I have often shared with my close friends and family that this situation is one I'd be able to work through, one that I would be alright with because I trusted God completely with the outcome.  However today I was brought face to face with a fear I didn't really think I'd have to face.  You ever been there?  In a place where, hypothetically speaking, you would know what to do and could land on your feet and charge full speed ahead no problem, but the moment you had to actually do it you were left shaken to the core.  Truthfully when a fear becomes a reality it is frightening.

If I were to look at it, you know from all sides and such, then I could truly say there has been a lot of writing on the wall.  And to go a step further I have actually in the past week been working in a way to minimize the repercussions of the fear, should it become a reality.  To take one more step I need to also accept that in the past 6 months I've known that God isn't finished working with me yet and that He has been, in fact, showing me some things.  Now, don't misunderstand, I am not having visions or premonitions or anything of the like, but something altogether more real.  He's real and He has a real plan for me.  But...

I'm a stick in the mud.  I do not like change.  I do not function well with change.  I will wait out each and every situation pretty much until a decision is made for me simply because I do not like change.  Change freaks me out.  (As if 2 straight years of rehashing the same pain wasn't a clue.) But I can tell the tides they are a turnin' and I'm not sure my boat is right for the storm.  People, I'm scared.  No, I'm more than scared.  I'm petrified beyond belief.  This change, it doesn't affect just me.  No, it affects my three Littles as well.  I'm their care giver, their provider, their main source of, well, everything and now I'm looking at not having anything to take care of them with.

I know my God is faithful.  I know that He is strong.  I know that He is with me.  I know that I am His child.  Yet, the what I know and the what I fear are at war right now.  Will I still be able to take care of my Littles? Will they still see me in the same way?  I don't want to be a failure in their eyes.  I've worked so hard to take care of them and now I'm letting them down.  It's is one thing when it is just me.  I can take care of me, but they cannot take care of themselves.  That is an honor that God gave me and it is also a burden that I don't share with another.  Because of this I find myself in a spot where I am completely unable to function - again.

I just ask, if you would be ever so kind, please pray for us.  Pray that God takes care of this situation I am facing and that, in all things, my Littles don't lose their security.  I will always do what it takes to take care of them, but right now the enormity of the uncertainty is crushing me.  Thank you for keeping us in your prayers.

Love, M

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