Monday, June 29, 2015

A by-product of Compassion

I have to be honest, there are times when I can't hold on to the joy, the happiness.  Now, before you get the wrong idea about what I mean, I need to be completely open here - the underlying thing I'm talking about it the true essence of compassion, but we will get to that.

If any  of you have followed me for any length of time, and many of you have you know that I've had some ups and downs over the past few years.  Now, I won't recount them all because frankly it isn't the basis for this post.  I've come to realize that nothing, absolutely NOTHING prepares you for something except to actually go through it!  NEWS FLASH!!  I KNOW!

Here's the thing, while yes, I've been broken, rocked to the core and torn in two, I've also been healed, loved, knitted back together, and blessed immeasurably.  True, not each of those things happened in a succinct step-by-step manner, and often times I had to relearn a step or two.  Which brings me to where I am right now. 

You see, I know ladies who have been down this road; this broken, twisted, winding, pothole laden road.  In fact, I know ladies who are still on it, who joined me (against their will) at about the same time, but have not found their "exit", so-to-speak.  Oh, I'm sure it isn't for lack of trying, I've been there after all.  And that is why I am where I am right now.

I feel guilty for being where I am.  Like my happiness is their demise.  No, I'm not trying to rub it in their face, I'm not toting my good fortune around like a flag of honor.  It is nothing like that.  I am simply happy.  Actually, I am way more than that.  I am in awe of the love that the Lord has shown me that he has brought me to where I am.

This doesn't mean that I don't hurt for you.  That I don't care about you and how you feel.  It means that I know, I understand, and I want to listen, to pray with you, to be a shoulder for you to cry on.  Please just know that I want to be happy and not feel wrong for wanting to be.  I don't want to look in your eyes and think of how I'm being judged. 

Then as I reflect back on the timeline of my life I realize I, too, had that same look in my eyes.  That look that had me begging for the inner peace, that shoulder to cry on, that reprieve from the pain and hurt, that desire to get off the stinking road.

It will come and it will look different for you than for me,  but it will come. 

Share in the joy.  Share in the happiness. 

Compassion holds so much.

Monday, June 15, 2015

Write My Story - Part 3

It's been months!  MONTHS since I've shared with you all.  Part of me has thought about you so often, my dear friends and readers who've read my tear stained words, who've triumphed with me, and who've wanted to box my ears on some occasions.  I've been here, but joyfully busy.  So much so, that I had to re-read my last post to find where I left you.  I didn't really leave you, you know, I was just simply gaining more information for my story.  My story.  Oh my word guys.  Hey you guys!!! (If you didn't just have a Goonies flashback you may not have had an epic childhood...I digress!) My story.  I have one.  One given to me by a God who has loved me and never left me.  I was given a story because God had the one...the perfect one to help fill the pages of a blank book he created before I even came to be.  I think the greatest thought behind all of that is knowing that he's done the same for us all.  Yep, even when you don't think you have one, you do.

Anyone who knows me, knows I love to run.  To say it became my obsession for the longest bit is an understatement, it was my lifeline.  This past January I got the most wonderful surprise.  I'd like to say I didn't know that something was up, I mean my love doesn't just volunteer to run with me, at my favorite place, in the middle of winter for no good reason.  But, alas, he did.  I was SO excited.  Seriously, and he knew, that the quickest way to my heart was offering to take me to the State Park up the road just to let me run.  Sigh...God is so good.

I have a very specific spot that I love to go park when I run.  Now, I knew that there was a high probability that the roads were going to be closed off to some degree due to snow, but I kept urging none-the-less.  First, things first.  I am getting ahead of myself after all. Little did I know that most of this was a conspiracy between him and my best friend.  The sneaky Pete's that they are!  My littlest two littles stayed at her house and my oldest had a friend stay over; he had his littles stay with their grandma all in the sake of taking me running.  Sheesh...I so have a keeper!  So the next morning as I go up to tell my daughter that I'm going running I was super surprised to see she was already awake.  (Anyone with a teenager knows the rarity in this, especially at 7:30 in the morning!)  From there he took me to get my absolute favorite pre-long run breakfast - Cracker Barrel (don't judge, they have good food!).

Here's where it was getting interesting though.  I had texted my best friend to let her know that I was going to run, but if she needed me to come pick them up just to let me know and I would.  She told me not to worry about it.  Then my love's phone just kept going off, and off, and off, and I was getting MAD!  It was my best friend.  Seriously what on Earth did she have to say that required that much of our time.  (Yes, I'm a silly girl!)  We ate breakfast and he kept trying to get me to spend time looking around the general store at the restaurant and I just wanted to get on the road to go running.  That and I knew that my best friend had plans and I needed to get the littles and come home.  Like soon!  Anyhow...

As we were driving his phone kept going off.  Message after message after message.  At this point in time I didn't even notice that we weren't even going the speed limit.  (He ALWAYS goes at least a few miles over.)  We get there and I buy the new annual pass and we get to the top of the big hill and park.  Seriously people I still have not a clue.  I think under all this brown and grey hair I have blond roots!  So we get out, I try to sync my Garmin, which was having no bit of giving me what I wanted that morning and he says lets go.  I'm like are you sure?  It's cold.  You aren't used to running in this weather or terrain, but he's a trooper and said yes, but asked if I would slow down for him if he needed me to. 

We start off towards the back of the park and we are talking...ok, I'm talking...he's listening.  Apparently he started asking me what was ahead...yeah, news flash, when I run I tune out everything.  EVERYTHING!  Not only didn't I notice what was going on ahead of me, I didn't even notice that he had started to fall back.  We get further down the road and I see people, but not just any people.  My people.  His people.  Our people.  The littles that we love.  It took a moment (alright, who am I kidding, an eternity) for me to realize what was going on.  That sly man of mine and that dear, precious bestie of mine had put together the best, most perfect, most amazing proposal known to man. 

Naturally, I said yes!

P.S.  she had used my van, and I forgot to put gas in it...oops...this was a reason he was stalling me, she had to pick  up his littles, get gas and get on the interstate before us!  She was only a couple minutes ahead of us which is why he was going slow.  Then she had to pay to get in to the park, which means literally she had JUST drove around the corner when we got there to buy our pass!  He "dawdled" getting around before we took off because she had to park and get the Littles into place. 

But, the best part, I still got in all of my miles and dropped him back off at that truck while I got them in!  Proposal or not, a long run is a long run!  Snort :)

He's a keeper and he is all mine...sigh...I'm blessed...