I Read Too Much

Do you ever just want to yell at God?  No, I don't mean like when you yell at the guy who cut you off in traffic, I mean yell at him over things that happen and demand of him the reasons for those same things?  I do.  I want to scream at him at the top of my lungs to ensure that he hears me.  No, not just hears me, but feels me.  Feels my pain.  People, I am so very mad at God right now.  You want to know an ugly truth about me?  I hate myself.  I hate that I am not good enough for another person's love.  I hate that no matter how hard I try, another person always steals the person I love away from me.  Each and every time.  I hate that I am so wrong for everyone that they run from me as fast as they are able and when the dust settles I am left holding a broken heart and lots of memories.  Always only memories.  Not plans for the future, just the moments of my past. Why?  I know this is an age old que...

I have tried to put this post together many times over the past few days. Yet, every time I would get a few sentences in I would get distracted or have to run off to something the Littles needed me for.  In each of my attempts I have wanted to pour out the sadness, the pain, the heartache, and the agony that has consumed me.  Honestly I still want to do that.  I still want to cry all over this post.  I want you to see and feel what I see and feel.  To a point, there is still a chance that will happen here, tonight, as my fingers meet the keys.  But, to be honest, I think God gave me the distractions to keep the wrong words from coming out, the hurtful words.  Not in that I would have been mean, but in that I wouldn't have been fair.  We do that sometimes, don't we?  Most especially when we hurt, we use our words. He broke up with me.  This man that I had fallen in love with.  This man who I met last fall and spent s...