Monday, December 31, 2012

Simply Today

There were many things that complicated today and many things that made it all the better.  The biggest complication, or rather let-down, was the discovery of overly anticipated expectations.  I seem to have a really good knack lately of setting myself up for more heartache.  Call me an optimist.  *shudder* However, despite all of drama today held there were a couple moments that made my day - the message at church and a phone call from a dear friend.  I can't even begin to describe how God is speaking to me through our prayer time and through other people. 

The past couple of days had compounded some additional heartache and sadness, to a point I wasn't even sure how I could possibly hurt anymore.  I mean seriously how is it possible?  But as they say; where there's a will there's a way.  I knew in my heart of hearts that more than anything I wanted to go to church today.  Actually, to be quite honest, there is no other place on Earth right now I'd rather be.  I find such comfort in God's house. 

Today's message was on Psalm 84.  Go ahead, grab your Bible, this will be here when you get back.  Before he began the message the Pastor said to really read it and to let the Lord speak to you.  I have to give you a little back story first.  I've been working on losing weight and trying to look good.  One, hoping that my husband would notice and find me attractive again, and two I really, really need to get healthier.  I mean, 34 and having health issues is NOT a good thing!  Anyway, this morning I took an extra while on my hair, make-up, and was able to wear a shirt I haven't fit in almost 2 years.  I felt beautiful.  I felt like a princess.  Then I was let down when I didn't get the reaction I had hoped for from my hubby. The one person I was hoping would really notice.  Now, back to the message.  I just have to tell you that God does care about you, He cares about me, He loves us more than we can ever love ourselves or be loved by another human.  I think that is why this Psalm meant so much to me today.  OK, OK I'll get to it!  After feeling rejected I felt so let down and so unacceptable and just plain, well, ugly. 

Then I read Psalm 84:1: "How lovely is your dwelling place, Oh Lord Almighty!"

I felt like dancing on clouds and twirling there in my pew.  You see when you have Jesus in your heart and the Holy Spirit in you, then you are a living, breathing, walking, talking dwelling place of the Lord and He thinks you are lovely!  How absolutely amazing is that?  My Savior thinks I'm lovely - He thinks you are too!  Never again does it matter (though in our humanness it will) what others think, because to God you are lovely!  I'm lovely! 

On another BRIGHT note, later today I took a picture of me and texted it to my hubby.  He replied back, after some time, that he thinks I looked beautiful.  I have longed to hear those words from him for months, and today, I was gifted with them.  The Lord has blessed me so much today.

Now, the basis for the Psalm is when the people of Israel would leave their villages and start the annual pilgrimage to Jerusalem so that they may come before the Lord, thus the dwelling place of the Lord.  During this pilgrimage they would have to go through the valley of Baca, or the valley of tears.  This is a valley of hardship and pain, much akin to what we all face from time to time.  However, the great thing about valleys is that they aren't permanent, they are merely a part of the journey.  Pastor was using this as an illustration that 2013 may hold a valley for some people and that there are others (like me) that are currently walking through one. He went on to share that the valley is a place where we are tested, where our faith is tested, but we don't have to camp out in the valley, all we really need to do is JUST TRUST GOD WHILE WE ARE THERE

And that, that is what God has been telling me to do for days now, to just trust Him. I've felt myself wavering, like I hadn't been doing enough, but truthfully, I see it now that God had to get me to that place where all I had left was my complete and utter trust in Him.  Honestly, I couldn't think of a more able-bodied person to give it all to.  So, I guess I'm saying all this to say this: 

prayer works, time with the Lord works, giving it to Him works.  It's ok not to have all the answers as long as you have all your faith and put it all in His hands.  He has promised He will never leave or forsake us, so when in that moment it feels like nothing is happening, it is!  He hasn't left, just trust Him, because the valley will end.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Getting Back To It

There's nothing quite like a broken heart to rip away your desire to do, well, everything.  Granted I've gotten through my days, and by that I mean I have woke up, shuffled through the motions, made an attempt at being human, and then gave into what little tear ravaged sleep my body would allow me to have.  It isn't that I don't have a desire to live each day, because really I do, I look at each one as a new opportunity to continue in my fervent prayer for a miracle.  I also have three beautiful daughters that require me to put forth my best and support them.  However, this gaping hubby sized void in my life is taking its toll.  But I still have my hope, my faith in the Lord, and my belief that all things work towards His good. 

I'm learning during this tragic time.  I shared a bit in my last post, the one where I finally shared the pain that has ravaged my life for the past 2+ months.  I've learned that when you truly give your life to the Lord, not just via lip service, but in all that you are and in all that you do, He will do amazing things with you and through you.  I've learned that I can be patient, kind, generous, soft-spoken, and forgiving.  I've learned that these aren't characteristics of weak people, not that I characterized people with these attributes as such, but that I never gave myself the opportunity to try to attain them myself thinking I'd not get to be me. The me everyone thinks I am.  I had to be the tough kid on the block.  I think it was more of a way to protect myself from getting hurt emotionally and mentally, but guess that didn't really work for me either! Yet - now, now I'm finding the real me.  The me that God made me to be.  And all truth be told, I really like the me He's creating.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm not a completed project.  In fact I probably never will be, none of us will.  God works in us and through us each day for the whole of our lives to make us into the people he wants us to be - all with our permission of course.  I pray I continue to give Him that right.  We have it you know; the right to tell Him yes or no.  It is called Free Will. 

Free Will.  I rally hate those two words.  It is those two words that cause people to change; sometimes for the good, and regretfully sometimes for the worse.  But, if there is one thing I have learned in my almost 35 years on this crazy sod, it is that we all have to get to THAT PLACE where we make the choices we make due to the choices we've made.  I've made certain choices over the years and one day, when the right one comes along, I'm going to share my story - the WHOLE of it.  But now isn't the time, God will reveal when that time is.  However, right now, right now there are a few chapters that are still being written, I can feel it.  Rather, I know it.

Besides the things I am learning about myself, I am also learning a few things about others.  I am learning how amazing my friends and family are - both the family which I was born into and my church family.  These people have been a beacon of strength for me.  These people have pulled up beside me and let me cry, for hours, on their shoulders, over the phone, in letters, and texts.  These people have allowed me to grieve and they've grieved with me.  These people have prayed for me and with me for the hand of God to work in all that is happening.  The great thing about that is God has promised that where two or more are gathered there He is.  Oh, Praises to our Lord and King! 

That's the thing about the Lord, He is in the prayer answering business.  He is especially in the business of answering those prayers which are aligned to His will.  Now, that said, He in all of His grace and power, will never trump a person's free will.  He will always let us decide for ourselves the choices we want to make.  Which is another reason why I really am not a fan of Free Will, but there are Bible stories made from Free Will.

Before this turns into a longer post than I was planning, I want to say, I'm here.  I'm still broken, but I am here.  My heart still longs for the one who has held all these years.  But I have a peace forming in me.  Oh, don't get me wrong I'm still hoping for that miracle, but should it not come in the way I see it, I know that God sees the picture through eyes I don't and I am trusting Him with my life.  I'm trusting Him to do the right thing with my heart.  After all, who better than the one who created it?!

Until next time lovelies...

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Hold My Heart

I've searched, fervently, for something to heal my broken heart.  I stumbled across a picture on the web that gave me the only answer I really needed, you can see it below.  It wasn't that my vision was skewed, its that my mind couldn't, wouldn't, focus.  After all, my heart is in a thousand little pieces.  I hurt.  My pain is greater than I have ever experienced.  I've been dealt a death blow, I'm crushed.  But, I've found a few things.  I've found the depth of love my church family and friends have for me.  I've found, that I'm still alive, a feat in and of itself, but I am breathing, in and out, though labored by the incessant crying.  Oh these tears, how they burn.  My eyes, so puffy.  My stomach, in knots.  All these a reflection of the pieces my heart is in. 

It's a funny thing, really.  How this organ that circulates life has the capacity to ache, to feel heavy over the loss.  In case you didn't know I lost something, rather someone.  Someone who will have my heart in their hands forever.  But, I've found someone too.  I've found God.  Oh, I've always had Him.  He's always been here for me, and now, when I need love in my life, in my heart; when I need the joy that comes from being filled with the love of another, He is here.  He is in my heart.  He is in my every waking minute.  He is filling me, slowly, tenderly, efficiently.  He is loving me with a love that knows no other.  He is my Father, my Savior, my Redeemer, my Healer.  He is my everything.

He is someone who will never leave me nor forsake me.  I love Him.  I need to love Him.  My heart longs to love, it does still.  It loves.  It loves who it has loved all these years.  It won't stop, it can't.  I can't.  I love him.  I need him.  I want him. But, he has decided I'm not who he wants anymore.  I'm not who he wants to love anymore.  I'm not who he needs anymore.  But I have hope and faith.  I believe in the power of prayer.  I believe that my Redeemer will heal our hearts, mine of its breaking, and his too.  His is broken too.  I know it is.  My man, my love, my everything.  I love him.  Oh, how I love him.

I know in his heart of hearts he loves me too.  In there, where he has it hidden, love exists.  True love takes work, that is the nature of love.  The reminder that I am in love with him does no good.  He's already moved on.  Completely.  He doesn't tell me anymore the words that used to fill me with joy; those three beautiful words.  They are gone, for him.  Not me.  I can't see past my pain to the future, the one he's already crafted without me.  He has too, sadly.  His future is filled with all the things that don't include me.  Mine, still has him in it.  I'm afraid I have lost.  Oh, but I've found too.

I've found that giving it all to God really does help.  It is my only constant; my conversations with Him.  The one who created me.  Me, this broken person.  This girl who loves a boy who doesn't love her anymore.