I run. I run miles and miles and miles. I'd like to say that I do it because I want to be a contender for the Boston Marathon, but I don't. I run because when I am overwhelmed it is the one way I release that pent up energy. This energy I speak of isn't always from having it to burn, but from an over abundance of feeling that I cannot get through. Some people, like the one that I love, work with their hands, brute physical force, it is what they use to get through the feelings. They can channel all that emotion and make beautiful things. Me, I run.
I'd like to say I'm making a beautiful thing. Perhaps changing my shape could become that thing, but right now, it is a way to let go of the emotion that controls my life. And it does. I have been taken over by my emotions. I had these in those early days and months. Those days where I started to channel the energy into working out and getting healthier. The healthy I dig. Actually, the healthy I want. Running is just a great way to get there.
But I also wonder if it isn't more than that. Do I run because I'm working through the pain, or because I am trying to run from it? I am improving my time for a 5k, but when it comes to distance, I'm not sure where I am. That's the way with life too. I can run from or work through things in the short go of it, but when it comes to sustaining the pace and making a longer go of it I flounder, terribly. I've had a couple of good, long runs. Literally, not metaphorically, but not as many as I should. This is true with my life.
I seem to master the short run. I am decently good at the 5k. But when it comes to a 10k, a 13.1 or in some cases the 26.2 I'm a goner. There is nothing there. I peter out. I shoot out of the gate, get a good position, and then slowly slink to the back. I become lost in the end. Now, that said, I've not actually ran anything, competitively that is, greater than a 5k. For grins and giggles I've ran 8 miles...yes, that is actually fun. I'm competitive at heart. I'm not a world class runner, but I will push myself until I can not bear the pain anymore and then I will kick it in just a bit more.
And it is that and that alone that pushes me through these emotions. I seem to brunt the pain until I cannot anymore. Then, when it becomes overwhelming, I run. I run literally and metaphorically. I run miles, like today I did a 5k in 24:19, you know, just for fun...actually to get the pain out. I run to my keyboard to put it out there, to get it out of me, I run away from the thing(s) that I perceive to be the cause of the pain, and even, when I don't want to run away, I run to - full speed ahead - to the thing that is causing the pain. Sometimes for understanding, sometimes because I want to fix it and keep it, sometimes to be shown that the pain isn't real.
But, in any view of it, it simply comes to the fact - I run. I run and run and run. God talks to us about running the race. The good race. I'm sure there is a Bible story here, somewhere. Somewhere with my life. I've actually asked God many times over the years to make a Bible story out of me. Not because I want the praise, but because I want Him to use me to show others that He really is in the business of loving and caring and building His people. But with that said, I want to share, right now, in this same breath, that during the race, like the one I am in right now, I do not feel it. I am not feeling like He is here, for me, with me. But I know what the Bible says and what I have been taught, so I will hold on to that.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." - Hebrews 12:1-2
"24 Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. 25 Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.." - 1 Corinthians 9:24-25