I did that one thing that I never thought I would do. I questioned. I questioned the one constant I have always had in my life. I questioned the one person who has never left me. I questioned him, his faithfulness, and his love for me. I questioned God. I think the bigger question is why.
Why did I question him, his love, his faithfulness? Why am I in this position? Because I am broken. I admit it. Actually I have admitted it many, many times over this past almost year. I'm broken. I'm human. In my humanness I have reduced my pain, my struggle, my heartache to one thing...a question of God's love for me.
I have taken that stance where I have put myself in a place where I think I need to be more important than him. I can't be. I never will be. None of us will actually. It's a fact whether you are a believer or not. We simply never will be, nor can be, better than God. My moment of smallness, which was a way of exercising my self-induced greatness, made me try to be better than him. This hurts.
I know he loves me. Cares for me. Wants what is best for me. And yes, even in those wants he sees the desires of my heart. He sees all that I wish for, dream for, long for, hope for, strive for, ALL OF IT, he sees it. He also knows what part of it is what I need and what parts of it I don't. He isn't a mean God. Nope. Never. He is just. And that, that right there is why I am where I am.
He will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER, give me the desires of my heart until they are aligned with his. That takes a complete and total undoing of myself and a complete infilling of him. But I'm scared. I'm scared that what he wants for my life isn't at all what I want. I'm scared that he is going to not answer the one thing I want most. The one thing that I want more than anything else on this Earth. I won't utter it here. Not now. Just know that he knows and I know.
That is the thing about God. He knows all. Even those things we hide from ourselves. He knows that which is the best for us and that which is the worst for us. And I truly think that if we, heaven's I, stop long enough and listen I, too, would know which is which. But it hurts. It hurts more and more and more. It hurts like there is no tomorrow. It hurts like a hundred pound weight being dropped on my pinkie toe. Pain hurts. Reality hurts.
I think the thing that hurts the worse is knowing that no matter how much effort on my own part, I will never truly have the desires of my heart. That they will not come to me because I want them. That I will not have the thing I want most because God simply won't give it to me yet. I don't know if he ever will either. He doesn't have to. He doesn't have to give us anything. Honestly, I think he wants to make sure I learn my lesson first. Sadly time is not on my side, only his.
So, as I sit here completely broken, having now officially questioned the one thing I never should while the tears run down my face, I think of all the ways my wish could come true. If my wish will ever come true. If...there is always an if...
Do you hear me God?