Yesterday I shared about how my devotional was spot on with what I'm dealing with, and well, I'm still going back over the ones I've left unread for the past couple months. I shouldn't have, left them unread that is, but I can honestly tell you I wouldn't have really read them anyhow. I had turned my listening ears off because I had turned my way of doing things on.
There are a lot of things that happened this summer. A lot of beautiful things and a lot of not so beautiful things. I have a lot of memories that I will cherish forever and some lessons that I wish I would have never learned. I think the hardest lesson, and this will be a post later on, is about the amount of people who will let you go, as a friend, acquaintance, etc because they only want to view one side of a story. Again, we will revisit that later.
Back to a bit from today's devotional, which was actually from July 14th.
"And your sin isn’t any better! Think of all the lies you’ve told, pain you’ve caused, and good you’ve left undone. It’s easy to look around at the consequences of our sin and wonder why God lets it continue. If God is all-powerful, why doesn’t he just stop our sin before it gets ugly? The truth is, one of the reasons God doesn’t keep us from sinning (besides wanting to give us a free choice) is that he wants us to realize how much we need him."
Truth, I really wish God didn't give us free will. Bigger truth, I wish that the devil didn't know our biggest weaknesses. Truth, biggest yet, I wish my walk with the Lord was stronger so that I could be here typing about all the ways He is building me up and making me stronger instead of thinking back on all the things that I want to undo. By undo, it isn't that I'd take back any of it, but I'd definitely change the timing. Timing. It is always about timing with things. Right and wrong, they are about split second choices.
I marvel at those people who seem to have it all together. Those people who have a rock-solid walk with God. Those people who do not battle the battles I fight. I fight some pretty mean battles. A big one, and this, too, will be another post for another time, is my fight with alcohol. Yes, it has been a war I've battled for years. There are many who are reading this now that quite literally just had their jaws drop. Surprise! Transparency coming through. Another battle, my need for another. Yep, right there it is in black and white. Some know this and others are forming their own opinions about me because of it. Again, two sides, people, two sides. Ask me for mine. I will be honest with you. But my biggest battle, the one that makes those two soooo very easy to give into, is my strong will.
Having a strong will has allowed me the power of justification, the need to lie to myself. I do that. I lie to myself mostly when that split second right and wrong needs to be determined. In those moments I have caused pain. I have caused pain to others that I wish I could take back. I have caused myself pain that I wish I could take back. I wish I was just willed a bit stronger, but we all have defenses that can, quite honestly, be broken down over time by the right thing at the wrong time. Again, it comes down to timing. Oh, and two sides. Must stress the two sides. But, in all of this, all of this strong willed, broken will, time offensive wrongness, I lost the biggest thing. I lost the good I could have done.
I could have done good. I could have let God win and make that Bible story out of me. I could have been in a position where He could say, "well done good and faithful servant." But I didn't, because of my free will. Because in that split second I gave into the stronger will. Yet, I can see it now. Now that hindsight is quite literally all that I have. I need Him. I must have Him in my life, daily and not just when I want to pull out the Good Book for a quick reference. He still has a lot of work to do in me. A lot. Too much perhaps even. Then, again, didn't He tell us in John 3:16 that that was all the more reason for Him to be here?