Tonight at Bible Study, as I was looking up the lesson's focal verse, I stumbled upon all the underlined verses that spoke to me and the notes to God that I had penned during that time I fought to keep the now ex-Mr. I can see in those words, the Lord's and Mine, the basis of my hope and strength. You see, I had put it ALL in Him. I had trusted. I had no where else to go. I didn't want to go anywhere else. I believed. He's a big God. He's a miracle worker. Then somewhere between the day the ex-Mr. moved out and today, I stopped going to the Lord for my hope and strength. I stopped. I had begun to put that on something else. I've alluded to this over the months since then, quite a few times actually. I really don't have the desire to tell you what that is, but I will. I need to. Not because I want sympathy, no, but because I need to share it. I need to let you know that it is ok to be there too. That is if you are, or have been. But also because I have nothing to hide. I started to put my hope and strength into relationships with others. Building relationships with others. Sometimes right relationships, sometimes not.
Here's the thing, there is some merit to seeing the past through the eyes of the present. Hear me out. At that time I didn't see myself as a strong person. I felt weak, broken, and insignificant. I felt hopeless and helpless. Despite how I felt I have had many, so very many, of my friends tell me that they admired my strength. I look back at myself and see the outwardly quiet struggle and the heartfelt fight I put up. I did it. I was strong. Then I stopped giving it to God. I wanted to do it my way. I wanted to fill the void. I wanted to stop the pain. I wanted to move on. He wasn't getting me there fast enough. So, I wanted to help Him along. I thought I knew better. I. Me. Sigh...
But now, now I want to go back. I want to go back and redo some of the choices I made along the way. Oh don't get me wrong, I've read and prayed and attended church over these past months, not as much as I should have, but I still, at times, clung to what I knew was a core truth; especially as I struggled the hardest, particularly when the right and the wrong warred against itself in my head. And it was at those times with the original source of my hope and strength reminded me He longed to be that source again. But I'd fight Him - harder. Then, I'd struggle more. You know what? Things went good for a while, perfect and beautiful actually. Don't get me wrong here, I loved during that time. I was loved during that time. However, in the end I ended up with more lessons - and they aren't necessarily bad ones.
Tonight the lesson I learned, and it had nothing to do with the actual Bible study, which I am sure was good, but I was too busy writing this post on a scratch piece of paper to hear all of it (sorry Pastor), was there is no going back. We can't. Sure, going back would be easier, safer, better even, but growth, change, new hope, and strength come from the going forward. It comes from seeing where you were with the transitions and changes that occurred. Perhaps even more important is that which still needs to occur. So, as I contemplate all the ways going back would undo my current hurt, pain, and hard lessons learned, I'm going to live with it, accept it and take this moment to let you know that I am anxiously awaiting the going forward.