Saturday, August 17, 2013

Again

This post will be broken into several posts; rather, this subject will be broken into several posts.  My mind has runneth over.  My thoughts, my feelings, my, well, everything.  There were days when the well-spring had dried up; when the words wouldn't come. Now, now when I have so much sadness, love, hurt, happiness, just plain emotion in general I can't seem to stop the words from fighting each other in my mind. 

Again.  It happened again. I hate to be so transparent, but I guess I'm the leaving type.  I know that isn't being fair to me or to him.  He had to do this.  He had to take care of things on his end.  I'm going to start this series about him.  Many of you who follow this blog know the him I am referring to.  Then there are many who don't.  It's ok whichever side of the story you are on, you will know him by the end of this.  You will know the him who stole my heart, made it grow, taught me a few things, and then, had to go do what was necessary for himself.  Either way, know he is a great man.  I have no regrets or hurt towards him.

I'd like to tell you his name.  I won't.  Those who know me personally, know us, know his name.  I respect him too much to do so publicly.   I met him again (read post entitled "Then There Was You") about five months ago.  It was a friendly encounter.  We met up to go shoot.  I had always wanted to learn how to shoot.  He was simply kind enough to show me how.  We had breakfast first, a bit of time to catch up.  I mean I honestly hadn't seen him since high school.  A lot had changed for the both of us since that day in June 1996.  Time.  Time has a way of doing a lot of things.  That morning, that morning I think I laughed and smiled more than I had in years.  It was so cool to catch up with an old friend.  And seriously that is all it was.  Old friends sharing old stories, then sharing new stories.  Then we shot some guns and that was it.  Until that wasn't it anymore.

Have you ever met someone that the whole of their being was enough to make you smile?  That just talking to them made your heart smile?  Have you ever had the pleasure of opening yourself up, being as transparent and truthful as you can be - no make-up, no fancy dress, no made-up stories, no omissions of failure or flaw, just 100% honesty over who you are and aren't?  Never in my life have I been that open with anyone but my friends. MY FRIENDS.  Guys I've dated...hell no!  I mean, after all, there is nothing cool about me they'd like, right?  I hate to reveal this about me, but it's a fact.  But with him, I was open.  Actually, I was honest to a fault I might add. I did not sugar coat a single thing about who I am.  I giggle now because I was asking him for relationship advice almost straight off.  You see I was dating someone at the time we met up again.  Funny now for sure.

And that is it, this guy who listened, who shared, who talked to me like an equal, who gave 100% of who he was, slowly started filling my heart.  This guy who would give his last dollar to feed you, give you the shirt off his back to cloth you, give you the last of anything he had so that you didn't go without.  This man, who is made up of so much heart, soul, and love - stole mine.  Oh, I don't mean that to sound negative in the least.  He is some kind of wonderful.  He has a laugh that sings in your ears, a smile that brightens the room, and a hug that comforts you and takes all your fears away.  He is a rare one indeed.  He is a treasure.

As we talked and shared the similarities started mounting.  The things we liked, disliked, believed in - all of it.  It became almost comical the way two people who hadn't seen each other in almost two decades, and weren't exactly close when we did know each other before, could align so much. We'd laugh about that.  He has an old soul, traditional actually.  He is adventurous, yet grounded.  He is easily excited, yet calm.  He is strong, yet honest enough to admit weakness.  He is a man and still has the presence of mind to feel the pain of others.  He is gentle and sincere.  He wears all this out in the open and if you care enough to really know him you'd see that.  You'd also see that his level of respect is profound. His love of life, his children, his family, people in general, is profound.  It makes him who he is.

And that is what I want to share with you today.  Him.  This man who brought me back to the again. I can't predict the future, but I know my past.  I know what these last months were.  I know what they proved and showed me.  I know that in these next few days, weeks perhaps, as I share my story, that you will see that sometimes, the again, though painful, is ok.  That the joy and beauty of what again can teach, far outweighs the hurt of not seeing the future.  None of us are promised tomorrow and we cannot live in the past, but we can cherish each now as it comes.  For my healing I'm going to cherish my past, my recent past, and use that to get through each day.

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