Saturday, March 30, 2013

A Beautiful Tapestry

I was recently told that I am a complex person, but in a good way.  Ha!  Well, truth, I am complex, good or not.  I am really working on this "who am I" thing.  I've had some amazing conversations with some wonderful people over this past week.  Truth, past several months. Each one has helped me peel back a layer of the person I always thought I was to find the person I really am.  You know, its quite funny really, when you look back and realize that you have created an image of  yourself based solely off of those things you think others expect you to be.  I know.  Fake.  I hate to admit that.  I am actually quite saddened by it.  But the cool thing I'm learning is that its ok to be me.  I'm an ok person.  Who and what I am are good, albeit not perfect - but really, are any of us?

Yet, this is where I begin to fight myself.  Where I begin to struggle with the real me and the one I created for others.  The one I created to be someone I am not because it looked and felt safer.  I find that I want to hide behind that again.  I want to run to that comfort zone so that I don't have to expose myself to potential heart ache.  I also find that I want to run away from anything that resembles possible enlightenment.  Again I fight myself.  I'm doing that a lot.  Especially this week.  Its quite intriguing really, when you stop and focus, exactly how many of life's lessons and how many words of passing advice will come rushing back to you.

That's happened in an unexpected way.  I'm finding myself in uncharted territory, in a place where I not only want to be, but am petrified to be.  I want to learn, experience, live, and feel, but at the same time what if, what if, its all not real.  What if I'm just one step away from an epic fail.  What if this fight destroys what could be because I can't control myself.  And it isn't externally portrayed, but internally battled.  These are some huge issues.  This is the baggage that people run from.  Hard and fast.  Where do I find that happy medium where I can look at myself in the mirror and see exactly who I am looking back and be ok with that, be ok with the fact that forever isn't in each person I meet.  But the moment is.

Despite this unnerving realization I find that I'm hopelessly searching for those answers.  That I am taking things painstakingly slow and yet alarmingly fast at the same time.  I find that there is a sheer joy in the friendships I am forming, but also a level of hesitancy.  I've read, countless times recently, that the best way to find what you are looking for is to get out and search.  And to search you have to expose yourself to the elements.  I'm discovering that this raw emotion, this intense search, is so much more complex than I had ever imagined.  To which, it fuels the fight within, this raging battle.

But, here's to not shying away from my complexity, for not denying the truth that is myself, for learning from each person that comes into my life.  Each person is an intricate weave into the fabric of our being and I find that the more complex those weavings are the more breathtaking the tapestry.  And that is it.  That is the pure truth of it.  I'm hoping to become a beautiful tapestry.

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