I'm afraid. I'm afraid to be alone the rest of my life. I'm afraid that I'm too old to be wanted, too something no one will like, too mommy-like to be thought of as a woman. I'm simply afraid. It really does hurt to be thrown out like yesterday's trash. To be pushed aside by someone for something that looks like, smells like, tastes like something better than what you have to offer. It really does a number to one's self esteem and self confidence. I lack that - on an epic level. I think the thing that is even more frustrating is that everyone keeps saying things will get better. I laugh at that inwardly because all the people giving this advice are NOT in my situation. They are NOT alone. They HAVE someone to love and to share their life with. They HAVE their happily ever after. They are NOT broken, rejected, looked over, discarded, unloved.
I had a good friend tell me, just the other day, that I shouldn't be looking to get my worth from a man. I know this. I really do. I know that I need to know who I am and be comfortable with that person, but I'm not because I'm not sure I really do. I mean, part of who I am has always been an extension of what I am. I was a wife. There is a lot of strength to be had in that - A LOT! Lao Tzu tells us that, "Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage." How amazingly true that is. There is no denying the level of pure strength and courage that that kind of love can provide. You have this almost super-human ability because you know at the end of the day you have someone. There is someone there to want you, to hold you, to share your life with. Then when that is gone your level of exposure is so intense that you cringe at every turn for fear you're not good enough. You'll never be good enough. After all, wasn't that the reason you were thrown out in the first place?! Kind of makes you question your worth.
Then I have another friend who is constantly reminding me that if my focus is on God and no one else then I have nothing to fear. I have nothing to worry about. Why? Because He knows me better than I know myself - and He loves me anyway. He even loves me more than I love myself (which I have to admit doesn't take much effort on His part). Yet, knowing this, I still can't seem to find that same strength and courage that comes from loving another person. What does that say about me? It says I'm weak, I'm unfocused, I'm ungrateful, unthankful, but mostly - I'm human. Yes, despite all that I am and all that I can be, I am still just a girl. Still just a person who longs to be loved.
Joyce Meyer shared this thought today: "Wait on God and let Him do what only He can do." That's it, isn't it? Giving God the power to take over. He has it. He really doesn't need me to give it to Him, but He wants me to acknowledge that I need Him to. He needs me to KNOW that He loves me. That He alone loves me more than anyone else ever could or will. That I don't need another person because He really is ENOUGH. He really is ALL I NEED. But then, then my humanness gets the best of me and I come full circle to the emptiness, the ginormous void that consumes me.
Why is waiting on God so hard? Why is waiting for Him to fill me, grow me, change me, fulfill me, and provide that perfect someone for me so difficult? Why? Because, just maybe, what if there isn't anyone? What if I truly am meant to never, ever, love again? What if, I am never, ever going to be good enough? I mean, I already wasn't, right? Just saying.
But - here's to waiting. Here's to waiting to see what God has for me. Here's to waiting for that perfect person. (But please, please Lord, don't make me wait until I'm 80. Age is already very much so against me.)