Saturday, March 2, 2013

Loneliness

Each day gets harder as the realization sets in that I am all alone, so very, very alone.  It's quite sad, really, this feeling.  I've had so many people tell me that this too shall pass, that I will come out stronger in the end.  Truthfully I feel everything but strong.  I feel lost, hopeless, rejected, worthless, and a bevy of other feelings along this same line of thought.

I have a lot of fabulous friends.  Many of whom have given me advice - some that I would never act upon.  Yes, I really want to move on, but there is a line that cannot be crossed.  A line that quite frankly I wouldn't cross regardless of my spiritual and/or religious beliefs.  But I know what they are saying and understand their reasoning.  But it just isn't going to happen.

Then I have the advice of friends that are more in tuned to the love and teaching of the Lord than I am.  Yes, it's true, I don't have a flawless walk, but show me a 'perfect' Christian and I will show you the Jesus they need to meet.  Just saying.  But I wonder, too, if this is good solid and sound advice.  Is it really the right thing too? 

All of this is so confusing.  These feelings that I have are tearing me apart on the inside.  They are ripping me to shreds one painfully searing strip at a time.  I have cried more in the past 24 hours than I have in a week, and yes, I have cried a few times this past week.  I cried myself to sleep last night.  It was a session of tears that lasted several hours in fact, only to wake with red, puffy eyes and to start the process all over again.  I've written many letters to God letting him know how I feel, yet something in me thinks they are falling on deaf ears; although, I know the impracticality of that thought. 

What I long for is so out of reach and each day instead of seeing it get closer I feel that it gets farther and farther away.  I hope, I pray, and I long, but the pain intensifies, magnifies really, with each and every passing day.  I look so hard for the answers but they are as illusive as specters in the night.  Yet the harder I look, the more doubt I have there will ever be answers to find and this produces epic levels of mucky thoughts in my mind.  Then these thoughts bring up all the feelings of inadequacy I have in me.  Why am I not good enough?  Smart enough?  Fun enough? Lovable enough?  Pretty enough?  Desirable enough?  Yes, all of that.  But, truly it all comes down to finding the cure to all this...

...this LONELINESS.

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