I think I'm losing the battle here. I pray that I don't lose the war. I hate to admit that I am not as strong as other people think I am. I feel like I am failing you. You have this crazy thought that I'm making it, that I'm succeeding, that I'm being true to all that God has to offer and has designed for me. I'm not. I'm failing. I'm faltering. My walk is starting to look jagged. It isn't what it should be. I'm embarrassed. I'm full of anger - with myself.
How did I get here? How did I lose sight of the prize? How did I take my eyes off of the best thing that God had for me? HOW? It was slow. Isn't it always? Isn't it always that first glimpse of a shiny butterfly that flitters across your field of vision that piques your curiosity? Then you find that you want to see it again, so you start searching for it. You take steps in the direction you last saw it flutter-by. And with each step in that direction you are actually taking a step away from the direction you should be going. You are starting to get lost. That butterfly is taking you in the wrong direction. Then when you get there the butterfly morphs into smoke. It was nothing. A vapor.
As you spin around, really seeing your surroundings for the first time, you begin to ask yourself, "How did I get here?" And that dear friends, is where I am. How did I get here? How did I get to the place where God was no longer #1 in my life? He was. You read about it. You saw the words, here in blank on white. They were concise, pointed, explained, and shared for you. For you. By me. For me. By God. But I let it go to chase a shiny butterfly. One that has proven itself to be everything that I knew it was before I sought after it in the first place.
And I miss Him. I miss God. I miss our talks, our walks, our bonding. I miss knowing that He is the only man that I really need. He alone knows what I need. I want Him back. I want to be loved like that. I want to find someone who will love me like that. I know God has someone like that in mind for me, but I'm not going to get him until I come back to Him. A play on words, I know. But its TRUE! God needs me to only need Him. Think of Job. God was all he needed. What an amazing man; lost everything, got it all back ten fold. I'm not asking for a Job story, please Lord, DO NOT turn my life into that. BUT - Help me now. Where I stand now. Help me find you again. Help me come back to you.
I may have lost this battle, or in some case am losing it, but I do not want to lose the war. I do not want to know what will happen if I do. I want to see this through. Father, Lord, help me find you again. I NEED YOU.