Have you ever been consumed with some emotion, any emotion really, but consumed by it on a level so epic that you invariably said something that you shouldn't? Yeah, me too. Honestly, I do it a lot. I'd say 99% of that verbal spewing is done offline, but there are times when my emotion overloads my reason and I let my fingers do the talking. I did that today. I did the one thing I told myself once all this ick started to happen, that I'd never do. I opened up that ugly door, the one I have kept tightly closed, and let something out. I shared some of the dark, dark thoughts that I had, the ones that emotion creates. Now, only because I know you can't pop on and see what I wrote, know that it wasn't physically harming or demeaning, but it did show a side of me that I've worked, honestly that the Lord has worked, hard to keep covered. By covered, I don't mean a shameful hiding, by covered I mean covered by the grace of God and the love of Jesus. He has a bountiful supply of grace; I should know, he's given me a lot of it. And more and more so these past weeks and months.
So this verbal onslaught, which was seen by more eyes than it should have, has since been removed from those that had the access to see it. A few people commented, many didn't. However, it was the comment from one friend in particular that opened my eyes. God is good to give people to you that bring you to the level - especially when you don't want to be, but totally NEED to be. In my opinion God puts people together for a reason, or puts people in our lives for a reason, but I'll get to that a bit later. It's funny you know, how when you are in the midst of something exceedingly emotional you don't see your actions as wrong, even more so when you are hurt. And today I was hurt. I was let down. A couple times in fact, but this is something I needed to bathe in prayer, not public scrutiny. Really, what was my goal? Did I want cheered on? No, I simply wanted to share my hurt. But that is the thing isn't it? Misery loves company and that is never the right answer. NEVER.
There are right ways to express the wrongs in your life and there are definitely wrong ways too. Regrettably, social media allows for too much knee jerk type utterances to be shared. I mean, look at all the ways people are swallowing their tweets, and posts, and well, everything the second after they are entered. And today, today I crossed a line. I became one of them. I feel ashamed that instead of taking my feelings to the Lord in prayer, I allowed my humanness to seek its revenge. When all I really had to do was step away from my keyboard and into my room and kneel. I needed to humble myself and let God take over instead of my emotion. He will, too, you know. He is bigger than all things and will show us when we stop to let him. When we stop to let Him.
But it is in those times when it doesn't always happen as it should that He provides us with help. Sometimes when we get the help, it comes at a sacrifice. It comes at a loss of face with another person. They get a peek into that closed door, the one you wanted, truly, for the Lord to help you keep sealed tightly - forever. Then in hindsight you start to realize that you should have been stronger (always stronger), but since you weren't you're thankful for the honesty, brutal that it may be, of a friend. Someone who you hope doesn't write you off for your infraction, but sees you still as a person. A person who has a ways to go, one that will never reach perfection, but with the Lord's help and grace can grow into something worthwhile. Someone worthwhile.