Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Expectations

Life has them.  Sometimes we let them take us too far.  We let them take over our rational thought. Expectations can really work a person over.  I'm there.  Today.  I have in my mind this expectation, this unmet understanding that I let myself walk into.  I let myself think that things were starting to figure themselves out.  I expected this of myself.  I expected that as things started to have dates and glimpses of closure I would be just fine.  I'm not.  Fine is not a word in today's vocabulary.  Instead today I am filled with hurt,pain.  Self induced of course.

I had an expectation of life finding its new normal.  In 9 short days is the first court appearance.  Yes, we're moving right along aren't we?  Actually, no.  Not fast enough if you ask me, but we all know my issue with patience.  Honestly, I'm ready for the day after that.  To wake up and put on a smile  and look into the face in the mirror.  Yet I'm afraid that person, the one in the mirror, is going to  look the same as the one in the mirror today.  Sad.

Each day I tell myself that today is the day.  Today is the day I am past this, past the crying.  I'm not.  I did it again today.  It had nothing to do with him, it had everything to do with the loneliness.  I'm lonely here people.  I must admit, I have some of the world's most amazing people for friends.  These people mean so much to me, for which I will never have an adequate enough vocabulary to tell them so.  I hope that they know, I try in my own way to tell them.  But, (yes,I know it is horrible to follow that up with a but) I'm still alone.  Their love is overwhelming.  But I'm still missing that one love, that one companionship.

And that is the expectation I have each day.  The expectation that I will wake up and I won't have the need, the yearning for that love anymore.  That the love of my family, the love of my friends, the love of my Jesus will all be enough.  That all that love will be enough to fill me to a point where I don't feel like this. I really did try to convince myself this was possible.  I'm sure there will be a time when it will be, but now isn't it, though I want it to be.  Desperately, I want it to be.

I hate to form a new expectation, mostly I just hate to put a definition to what is going through my head. What I expect is that this will take time.  I expect, some time in the future, to find love again.  I expect to be a part of something real and special and whole.  I expect to end this loneliness.  But I also expect this won't happen like I'm envisioning it now, even though what I see in my mind's eye looks good. (Hey, I'm a girl...we see things through the eyes of a Disney movie at times!) What I really need to do is put my expectations away and trust.  Trust that what should happen, will. Trust that Jesus knows me more than I do and He already has it figured out.

But there are still expectations...

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