|My new hair...|
I hate that word. Alone. It is a hard word to say, a hard one to comprehend. I've been alone before, here in my house, but there has always been the underlying comfort of knowing that I still had someone to share my tomorrows with. Yet today is yesterday's tomorrow and I didn't I have someone to share it with. I didn't have someone to wake up to and smile at. I didn't have anyone. Before one of you goes off and tries to remind me that I have my three girls, yes I know this, but you cannot have grown up conversations with children. It isn't fair to them. Enough said, accept it. They stayed at their dad's last night anyway and my parent's house tonight.
Actually, this weekend, I planned it so as not to have them here. It's not so much that I didn't want to cuddle them and love them, but I needed to be able to process. I needed to be able to think and cry and scream and cry some more and figure out what an empty day looks like. I needed to be able to really, honestly, and truly think it out and not be interrupted. I needed to be able to sit here and tap away fervently on these keys with the tears running down my face. Honestly, I had a laundry list of things I was going to accomplish this weekend. A hundred different things to show myself that I could take this step and walk comfortably. I found though, that all those things I'd planned were just going to delay the inevitable. That once I was done checking them off my list I was still going to end up where I am right now. So, I decided to forgo all that time filling stuff. And here I sit, processing.
I've cleaned some, cried some, cooked some, cried some more, read some, cried yet some more, watched a movie, and still I cried more - ok you get the picture. I knew there would be tears, just not this many especially knowing I've cried so much since October. Guess I have more to go. I'm looking forward to the day the tears stop, not because I'm happy he's gone, but because I have healed and know that I have brighter tomorrows ahead - all of them just 24 hours later.