OK, lovelies, it was bound to happen and today it did. In fact, I was really taken aback by the way it happened. Really it is a commonplace occurance, one I've actually experienced a time or two myself over the years. In the past it had reared itself, most often, at the wrong time, and in some cases at the right time. It manifests differently for us all and the presentation of it is just as different. For me, today, it was highly embarrassing. It being...
It's a beast. It can ravage you. It can take weeks and months worth of work and destroy it in a single swipe. It can make you into something you never wanted to be.
I can explain it away, really I have an excuse. No, really, there is no excuse. It was unacceptable the way I expressed myself. The funny thing is just this past Sunday in Sunday School we studied about Anger. The right kind and the wrong kind. Today, I had the wrong kind. You see, I let the Mr. get the best of me. He knows how to push my buttons. He knows EXACTLY what to do and in this case NOT TO DO to ruffle my tail feathers. The unfortunate thing is, I let him! I let him get under my craw. WHY?
Perhaps it had to do with months of bending, twisting, yearning, waiting, searching, hoping, wanting, and believing. Really, it had nothing to do with any of that. I simply wanted to be mad. I'd spent too much time not getting angry that I chose to get angry over this one thing. This one thing that I'd have never let bother me before.
And instead of pointing it upward, I pointed it at friends. I pointed it at people I care about. I pointed it in a very immature way. I want to take it away. I want to make my choice words go away. I want to show that I can be the big girl all the time. That I can be the adult in every situation. But today, today I was a child. I was insecure, whiney, crazy, and just plain aweful.
But...yes, the infamous but, I called Anna. Really, you ALL MUST GET AN ANNA! My dear, precious Anna, she is amazing. She talked me through my littany of woes. She helped me boil it all down to what it was and at the end of it, I feel better. I see my triggers for what they are. I see that it is a weapon used because it can be. The Mr. knows how to keep me where he wants me. He knows too much. But Anna reminded me of a real gentleman, my Heavenly Father, who not only knows me but really loves me. Who thinks I'm special and worthy of love. Who doesn't want to see me suffer or hurt. Who feels my pain just the same. Who longs to hold me and comfort me. Who wants to dry my tears and calm my fears. I don't need to get angry, in the way I did, because I have Him.