Friday, February 22, 2013

Celebrating a Rough Night?

I had a good day.  Work was one of those days where you are so busy you don't realize that almost 10 hours have gone by until you look at the clock in shock.  I think this is a blessing.  I got some great news today at work too, some that made me squeal with joy.  Naturally, I felt like celebrating.  So, what does a single (yet still legally married) woman with 3 children do?  She takes them out to eat.  Yes, my social life is the envy of all.  No, really, my girls are gorgeous!  But so is their mom - Ha!  We went to one of my favorite places - Buffalo Wild Wings.  What?  Of course!  No, I am not one of those girls who cuts a piece of lettuce into 5 niblits before she can eat it, heavens, why waste so much time?!  It was a fun time out.  My middle little was especially excited, there was a ball game on.  Yes, she is a child after my own heart. She loves college hoops and professional football.  Makes a momma proud. Something tells me, when the time comes, I'll be blockading the door from all the boys.  My littlest little, her favorite game is tic-tac-toe and we played many, many rounds.  How on Earth a 4 year can play that good, I have no idea!  Alright, so maybe, just maybe, mommy puts the O's in the wrong spots!  My biggest little, my precious pre-teen.  Oh, she makes my heart smile.  She's so smart.  I love to hear her sing and tell me all about her music.  It is her passion, music.  I have NO clue where she got it from. I couldn't carry a tune if it jumped on my back, but she can and it is magical.  (Yes, she sang throughout dinner, in her own little world.  I love to watch her when she doesn't think anyone is.)

Then we came home.  Home to an empty house.  It gets me every time.  Oh, some days are better than others.  Some days I'm so busy with house work and school work and mommy work, but not tonight.  They all ran up the stairs to play with their iPads (I'm still so thankful the school let them start bringing these things home!) and DS's.  Which left me here, at my computer, to sit and contemplate all that isn't.  My heart isn't full, my conversations aren't shared, my bed is empty, you know all those things that if you had a spouse that lived in your home you'd have.  So, what'd I do...yes, exactly.  I cried.  Not those dainty, little, softly streaming tears. Nope these were in your face, "I have some water that desperately needs to export itself from my eye sockets" tears.  (Yeah, kind of that gross!)  It's amazing that it still affects me like that.  I honestly think it has less to do with missing him, than it is with missing the idea of him.  The idea of the joy a husband brings.  The pleasure of the companionship and relationship.  That's the sad part, not having someone to share life with and yet not being able to even try to.  Legalities and all.  Curse me for my morals and my beliefs.  Curse me for wanting what only time can present.  Blast it all.

But God must have known.  He must have known I was having a rough night.  My phone JUST NOW stopped ringing and beeping.  Text messages galore and a 40 minute phone call with my mom!  Seriously, who does this?  Who speaks to their parents like this?  Oh, wait, I do!  And surprisingly enough, my mom is an ok person, alright, yes, that is a bit too weak...she's a great person who is turning into a good friend.  *shudder* but true.  (Note, she'll probably be calling once she reads this to ask me to explain my thought process or to cry, or both - I can't really say, but she'll call and that's cool.)  But before that my friend Anna sent my this beautiful reminder, (oh, have you guys found your Anna yet?  I'm serious you truly must) the one I want to leave you with:

"He is there - in the sunrise and the sunset - in the wind that gently blows - in the laughter and smiles and prayers of  your girls - He is all knowing and all sufficient - alpha and omega - beginning and end - Yahweh - king of kings and Lord of lords - and He desperately loves you!" - Anna

Yes, I cried.  Told you she was amazing.  Now to celebrate the rest of my evening with God's truths.

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