Sunday, February 3, 2013

This Journey

There are a million quotes that talk about journeys and the paths we must take in life.  Some are inspirational and some leave you wondering what the author was actually taking while on his particular journey.  This journey I am on started at the end of October last year.  In the beginning I didn't see it for what it was, oh I read a few of the road signs, like "caution: bump in the road" and "rough terrain ahead," but I naively thought it'd be a quick obstacle and life would go on as normal.  Yet, those small obstacles steered me into bigger ones, like "caution: road closed," "no guard rail," and "falling rocks."  Obstacles I was not prepared for.  I mean, they are things you learn about in driver's training,  read about in books, and see in movies, but they aren't things you actually have to encounter; until you do.

And now I am where I am today.  I can't say the journey is over, but I can say I've come through that portion of the rough terrain.  My husband isn't coming back.  He has chosen to move on and will be moving out completely on February 15th.  Fitting actually, why not celebrate Valentine's with a broken heart?  It will be my first one alone in 12 years.  I know this year will be a year of many firsts, and like everything I have to start somewhere.  I hate to be a cynic, but this is somewhat apropos. I look back over these months and see that I did fight the good fight.  After all, what wife wouldn't?  Don't misunderstand me here.  It isn't that I don't love him, truly I do, but I have to let go. For my own sake. I have to start healing.  My heart needs to start healing. 

This past weekend was one of my best ever since the journey began.  It was the first weekend I didn't check my phone a hundred times hoping he'd texted or called.  It was the first weekend that I got to do something for me.  My little brother, who is actually in his 30's, came over with his son and watched my girls for me so that I could have dinner with my friends.  I want to tell you what an AMAZING group of ladies they are.  These lovelies listened, cared, cried, and helped me to laugh.  They helped me to understand that I can grieve the loss of my husband, because truly the man I married is dead.  In his place is someone I don't know.  Oh sure, he looks the same, sounds the same, walks the same, and has the same name, but this new him is a stranger. One I still pray for.  One I hope finds his way back to the Lord.  But, healing comes from grieving.  I needed to let go.  These precious women not only showed me that but they also gave me some gifts; each one had a message and a purpose, the thoughtfulness behind them was heartwarming and exaclty what I needed to know.

On top of that my mom treated me to some new clothes.  Through all of this I have managed to lose about 35 pounds and let's just say my clothes looked F-U-N-N-Y on me!  I had drawers that were saggier than a baby's in a wading pool.  It was BAD!  It felt so good to find things that fit and made me feel pretty.  (The new sizes were an added bonus!) She also got me new bedding.  For absolute obvious reasons this was a must have!  I slept better last night than I have in months.  Yes, my room is girly and frilly, (ok no lace, no doilies, no ruffles, no pink, and no bows) but it is me.  White with bold colors in an indie type design.  I can't wait to paint and accessorize...that is going to happen Valentine's weekend.  My gift to myself, well, if tax returns come that is!  I'm actually excited to have this oasis of mine.  Perhaps I will share it, probably I won't.  Sheesh...people that's MY space!  Ha!

Then today, today was an amazing day at church.  There are going to be tough days ahead.  This journey will be filled with many more obstacles.  I'm going to encounter more signs in the road.  Yet, I know that I have, not only the love of some amazing friends who are in this with me, but also a church family who prays for me, and a God that loves me.  I'm not alone.  Yes, I'm going to have to finish this journey.  Yes, I'm going to learn some things along the way that I really, really don't want to learn; things that were never in the text books.  But, I know, with all my heart, when I finish this journey I'm going to be better.  I'm going to be ok.  I'm going to be able to look back and say, I did everything I could - and.it's.ok.


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