I haven't been able to sleep. My mind is so full, full of all these things. Things I can control, many that I can't. It was almost midnight before I was able to close my eyes, but I was awakened at 3:40 by the sound of the front door slowly opening with the ever so quiet entrance of the one person who has turned my life upside down. He thought he was being stealthy, I could tell by the purposeful movements, but he wasn't. After turning on the TV, fixing a bowl of cereal, and waking our 4 year old (unintentionally), he sat down to watch Star Trek. I had the nerve to ask this morning, why, after all these months has he finally started coming straight home? For many months now he's slept in his car at work, or in the parking lot at Walmart or McDonald's, or any such place he felt the need to tell me. Truth or not. Except for now. Now, when I desperately want peace, he's back; back to being where he should - even though he really isn't.
And that's just it. He is moving out in seven days. Seven. One less than eight. A week from today. He will be gone, completely, entirely. This shouldn't be too much of a surprise; after all, he hasn't been home for many months. Yet, this finality, this willful choice to move away, to chose everything and anyone but us has me in even more turmoil. Over this time, as you've read, I've sat here behind this keyboard pouring my heart into the one thing that brings peace to my soul, my writing. I've shared my angst, my pain, my hopes, my dreams, my brokenness, my faith, and today I'm going to share one more thing - my fear.
I'm about to enter into a place I've never been. A place never, in my wildest dreams, I'd have ever thought I'd go. I'm not alone in this, there are many women out there who have done this and many more, sadly, who will. I'm going to be a single mother. I'm going to be a woman whose husband has moved away. I'm going to be categorized, marked by that invisible brand that labels me - rejected. I want to believe that I'll wake up a week from tomorrow with this profound sense of relief and strength, but I don't even know what the balance of today will bring. I just know one thing - I'm scared.
Will I be enough? Will I be able to provide for my children? Will they really know that their mommy is doing everything she can to keep them safe, to show them they are so very much loved? Am I going to be able to kiss away their fears, dry their tears, parent even when I'm too tired to do so? Am I going to be able to show them that love can conquer anything? That together, the 4 of us will be a good family? Will I be able to grow them into good, respectable, functioning adults? After all, that's what we're to do, make them good big people, one day at a time. Then there are the things around the house. Will I learn to do all those "guy" things? Yeah, I'm sure I can Google it and find a youtube video of some over zealous person fixing this or that, but that still means I have to.
Then, last, will I ever be able to love again? I know it is too soon to even contemplate this. Too soon to even want to, though in my heart there is the desire too. I mean, I just spent over 11 years being in love with someone. I don't want to jump, but I do want to fall. I want to feel that warmth again, that comfort. I want to know what it's like to be loved by someone as much as I love them. But, again, it's too soon and I'm being selfish for even thinking that and going there. I can almost hear you berating me for having such thoughts.
I have in my mind several of God's promises. He'll never leave me or forsake me. He loves me unconditionally. He will provide for me. He will comfort me in my times of trouble. He will be there, when I stop long enough to seek Him. There is no fear when you have the Lord, and lastly, let tomorrow worry for itself. So for now, I'll keep these tucked in my heart, reminding me that the Lord is on my side. That He wants all these things for me too, but I need to keep His timing in check.