One of my greatest weaknesses is lack of patience. Truly, I come by it honestly. I mean, if any of you know my mom, yeah, just sayin'! But I'm not here to do finger pointing, after all we all have the choice to be our own person. No one can make us do or be someone we aren't. Alright, this is going down a different path than I had wanted it to.
It's true. I am not a patient person. Yes, I am one of those toe tapping, finger strumming, body fidgeting, hair twirling, people who display in all matters known to man my utter disdain for waiting. I hate to wait. Period! End of story. There are times when I think a New York minute isn't fast enough and heaven's I've never even been there! (Yes, I do realize it is a figure of speech.)
Lack of patience isn't necessarily a bad thing, but it can make a person do things that aren't always right. And I think that is what has had me so frustrated lately. I mean I just spent four months praying, crying, waiting, praying some more, pouring my heart into anything and everything that would bring my husband back, and waiting yet some more to only come to the point I am at now. I mean it is enough to make a woman crazy! Justifiably so, right? No. Regrettably and sadly NO.
I think I'm getting this patience thing, albeit slowly...pun intended. There's something to be said for things that take time. There is a beauty in waiting for the picture to fully develop. Actually, the true gift is often in the moments leading up to the receipt of the thing you've been waiting for. What I mean is:
No, I did not want my husband to leave me. No, I did not want my marriage to end. And most definitely NO I did not want the title of ex - anything. But through those four months God did something to me, through me. In the process of the waiting, he taught me how to be still. He taught me that giving Him the timeliness of everything brings about a special comfort that only he can provide. Now, I'm not deluding myself, I haven't mastered this thing. In fact, it is something that I'm currently dealing with, or rather being dealt with.
You see, I want to move on. Now. Right this second. I want all this to be done. But, its taking time. It has to. It has to so that I can actually heal - completely. God isn't through with the me he's making. He needs more time. Oh, this is not in the least bit for His benefit, it is purely for mine. He needs me to see the me He's making - one painstakingly slow day at a time. This is the patience that I am learning.
So, as I attempt to speed up certain processes, force issues and circumstances, berate myself over failed this-es and that-es, I need to remember one thing: God wants the best for me and in the process of writing my story, I need to give him the time to do it - His way.
This is a quote that I found at the very beginning of this journey:
"Patience is not the ability to wait, but how you act while you are waiting." - Joyce Meyer