Monday, January 28, 2013

The Joke's on Me

Well, lovelies, its here.  The end of my hopes and dreams.  It all came crashing down on me this morning.  I found out some of the very ugly truths that, had I really looked, were there all along. Sadly, I believed that I could love them out of existence.  But that is the thing with sin, only one person is strong enough to love it all away and that is Jesus Christ.  We in our humanness can love the sinner, pray for them, cry for them, care for them, and long for them, but their choices will ultimately take precedence.  And that is what happened today.  I discovered proof of my worst fears.  The thing that I didn't want to have happen, did.  I knew it would. The changes I saw in him this past week were too grand for it not to have.  I saw it.  I knew the inevitable would occur, oh, I naively hoped it wouldn't.  I believed that the core of the person was stronger than the sin, but I was wrong - dead wrong.

That's what sin does.  I know we talked about this a few days ago, but when you are able to be shaken to your core, to have the root of your character broke, then truly nothing can stop sin from overtaking you.  My heart broke in ways I'd never thought possible this morning.  The true depth of the sin was shown evident and I was taken aback at what it created.  It paints different pictures for each of us, you know.  For the one I love, the man I gave my heart to, it painted a very, very ugly picture.  One that has seared itself in my mind's eye.  There are somethings a person should never see, this morning I saw one of those things.  I'm hurt, I'm torn, I'm without words to describe my pain.

He isn't here now.  I didn't think he would be.  Truth be told, I don't think he will be back much this week, perhaps to take the kids to school, perhaps not.  There is no trust there.  None what-so-ever.  I wanted there to be.  I was blindly giving it, in a managed manner in some regard.  This week taught me that I should back off on some of that trust.  I did.  Now I know why I felt the need to.  He has a new place.  He'll be moving in there at the end of this week, well according to the messages he sent his so-called friend.  You know, I really ought to share, and pardon my frankness, but real friends, the ones that care about you, they are the people who strengthen your core, who urge you to uphold your character.  They don't encourage you to thrive in sin.  They value morality above all else.

I sat here day after day hoping and praying.  Wishing and cleaving to anything he'd send my way, and the joke was on me.  I know because he laughed in my face so many times this weekend.  He laughed at me. In my face. To my face!  When I tried to hug him.  He laughed.  When I tried to kiss him.  He laughed.  When I tried to love him.  He laughed.  Guess I'm funny looking.  No, it was because I had fallen for the biggest con.  The joke was on me.  I honestly don't know what to do.  Besides all that though, there is another problem.  A bigger one. You want to know what the biggest problem is in all of this? 

I STILL love him.  I love him more than I have words to say.  I still love the man I married all those years ago.  I still love the man who gave me three beautiful children.  I still love the man that has filled almost 12 years of my memory bank.  I still love him.  And I miss him.  But...I've lost.  He delivered the punch line this morning.  Therefore,

I have to give it all away.  Give it to the one, the only one capable of fixing it.  The only one capable of fixing him.  The only one capable of fixing me.  So I will...

Lord, he is 100% in your hands now.  Oh, he always was, but I was trying so hard to help you along.  I know now that there are things in life that are out of our control, that no matter what, we simply cannot handle on our own.  Father, Lord, please come up beside him and comfort his soul.  Help him to find the peace he is searching for, because he's searching in all the wrong ways.  Lord, I love him with all of my heart, but you have to take over now because there is nothing left in me.  He's broke it all.  Guess that's what I get for letting him.  Please love him where I failed.  Please protect him where I can't.  Please comfort him where he won't let me.  Father, please hear my pleas, wipe my tears, comfort my soul, lift my spirits, protect my heart, and give me peace. Thank you, Lord - Amen

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