I went there. I went to that place where I let my thoughts drive me to the cliff and I slowly fell over. I thought I was going to have a good day. In fact, it started good. I was encouraged by Psalm 20 this morning, shared it with my good friend, Anna, and had a very productive day at work. I was good to go. Then my husband texted me. Yes, first! I know! You're thinking it too, but no, we were both wrong. He sent me a photo of the damage to his "old" car. Apparently someone hit it and drove off. He filed a police report. Yep, that was it. That was the extent to what he had to say. I asked a couple of questions about it, got very basic responses and it was over. I told him I loved him....nothing. I asked about his day....nothing. I called....nothing. Then he put me on ignore. That's when my thoughts took me where they shouldn't have gone.
I know just a few days ago I was powerfully optimistic and sharing all these ways that I needed to be filled and where I really needed to keep my focus, but I also said that the lesson was one in which I would need to revisit. Looks like I was right. Unfortunately. I just didn't think it would be so soon. I'm broken. I was in such a state of distress that I actually had to leave work early. I haven't had to do that since those early days when he told me he was leaving. I felt horrible. I couldn't stop crying. There I was, a grown woman, crying uncontrollably at her desk, with her coworkers at their desks in the same office. Thankfully, they were engaged in conversation with each other or else I would have had a high degree of unwanted attention. I quickly called my boss and told him I was sorry, but that I really needed to leave. I told him I'd be back in the morning, and then quickly got off the line.
Have you ever tried to drive when it is freezing cold, your hands won't function due to the cold, your person is soaking in the freezing cold from the leather seat beneath you, the blowers are frostier than your love's heart, and you are bawling so hard and the tears are coming so fast you can barely see? Well, that was me for over half of my 40 minute drive home, the van warmed up by then. Praise the Lord the roads weren't busy and the police weren't out because I don't remember much of the drive. I remember the pain of my tears, the gut wrenching feel of my aching heart, the one I keep letting get broke over and over.
Then I asked why. WHY? Why me? Why can't I have someone to love? I got the answer...I do have someone to love. Then why can't I have someone to love me back? Again, I got the answer...I do have someone (lots of people) to love me back. Then WHY can't I have the love of my husband back? I got that answer too...God is still working on it. Oh, we had a long conversation, God and I. I did a lot of yelling. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm confused, I'm frustrated, I'm lost, I'm well, broken. He knows already, but I told Him - again. But its ok, God is big enough, He can take it. I'm thankful for that. Truthfully what's happening isn't in His will, I know that, but man it isn't fair. AND I HATE IT!
Then I remember...Life isn't fair. But it can be good and filled with joy. Joy can come even when there is a lot of pain and hurt. Joy can be everywhere, because God is everywhere. I think remembering this may take me a time or two or three...ok, who am I kidding...this is a process. I just hope God is proud of the me that comes out of all this in the end.
Don't worry lovelies, I'm still believing in miracles. I still believe in the power of prayer. I still believe that my love will be received and accepted. I just need to believe and trust in God's timing. His good and perfect timing. After all, God is never late.