Saturday, January 12, 2013

I Think Too Much

Yes, lovelies, the mind is a terrible thing.  Oh, now it can be used for mounds of good, and it can lead you to many excellent choices and decisions, but when left unattended it can become your worst enemy.  You see, these lonesome days have led into lonesome weeks, and the weeks, sadly, to months.  There are days when I am good, really good.  As in I have enough to do, someone to talk to, and no mass amounts of time to leave me wondering.  Then there are days like yesterday where all I do is constantly think and dwell on my loneliness.

Let me share a little something I'm learning.  I am learning during this time.  I am learning many, many lessons.  Some of which are good, some of which aren't so good.  Mostly, I'm learning that idleness is dangerous.  That time with nothing to do invariably leads you to a place you don't want to go, figuratively of course.  I keep finding myself there.  It isn't a good place.  It has danger written all over it.  Now, don't get the wrong idea here, no I'm not suicidal and I'm not doing something self-crazy-like.  I'm sad.  I'm lonely.  I'm OVERTHINKING - EVERYTHING!  Mostly I am questioning the whys and what-ifs.  I'm racking my brain for answers to questions that make no sense.  It's quite funny how not having the one you love in your life can do that to you.  I miss him every waking minute of every day.  He doesn't call or text.  He barely comes home and for this, I miss him. 

It is in all this missing him my mind goes on never ending journeys to no where.  I think of all the things that have been said, all the things that have not been said.  I think of all the places he could be at and all the people he could be with.  Then he will say one thing (mostly via a text - never first) and I think, "Oh my goodness, maybe it is ok, maybe we're starting the healing process", then in the next breath there is nothingness. And in this nothingness my mind begins its journey again.  Each time it goes it picks up a little more doubt, a little more junk, and it deposits it in the form of a brick.  These bricks have started forming a wall.  A wall I don't want built.  Walls encourage distance, walls divide, walls keep love apart.  I hate walls, metaphorically of course.

Another thing I'm learning is that I can't stop this journey by placing the burden onto my friends.  I've done that recently.  I've placed a lot on a couple of my dear friends and well, I know I've drained them.  They have lives too, they also have families and spouses and marriages that require them.  Their lives aren't in the crumbled mess mine is in and they don't need to fill the void in mine; though regrettably that is what I have tried to have them do.  I've been a bad friend because they've offered an inch and I've taken several miles. 

Then there is biggest lesson of all - there is only one person who can fill the void, cure the loneliness, remove the idleness, and heal me.  I turn to Him oftentimes at the last moment as of late.  I know it is the wrong thing to do, but I led myself there.  I wanted the easy road. But to get the fullest, most complete level of healing, you can never ever take the easy road.  The easy road is to rely on another person, the hard road is to rely on God.  Oh, in theory it sounds simple, but it isn't.  It isn't easy because He's not physically here.  He isn't going to physically go shopping with you, sit across from you and discuss world events, help you cook a meal, etc.  But what He IS going to do - He is NEVER going to leave you.  He is right there in all of those things, in all of those places, at all of those times, waiting patiently for you to stop taking the easy road and ask Him to take the journey with you.

In fact, there are many places in the Bible where people walk down roads, but the journey is less the story than the lesson.  Another thing the Bible tells is a story where people, following the command of God, produced a large wall to be broken down. Granted, it was a physical wall, but God can do that to the mental and spiritual ones that we create too.  And that is the final lesson that I am learning.  I may have to revisit the lesson a time or two or even three, but God is the only person that can make me whole, that can fill the emptiness, that can tear down the walls, that can free me from thinking too much - about all the wrong things.

- M

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