The Past is the Past

We all have a history.  We all have parts of our story that we'd like to remove, undo, or relive with the knowledge we possess today.   However, the truth of it is - it simply can't be redone or even undone.  The past is the past.  I've told you that there will be a day when I share my story, the whole of it.  I will, but not now.  Not yet.  I can't share something that I am still working on.  It isn't that I am still living that piece of it, its that I haven't let it go.  Oh, I've sought forgiveness and received it, both from God and from the one who I hurt.  They both gave it to me.  They both loved me enough to do just that.  However,  sadly, there is still one person who hasn't forgiven me - ME. 

I never really paid attention to it.  Never really thought of myself as living with unforgiveness.  I mean, after all, forgiveness is something we do, or don't do, unto others.  But, that's not really true.  The pain that can eat at you for not forgiving others can eat away at you for not forgiving yourself.  And dare I say it may even be worse!  I had a wonderful talk with a dear friend today.  That's the thing about true friends, real friends, they tell you what you need to hear, what you HAVE to hear, NEVER EVER what you want to hear.  You want to know what she told me?  She told me "YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF!"  "You HAVE to let your PAST BE YOUR PAST!"

That's the thing, I hate myself so much for the past.  I hate myself for all those wrong choices, for all the hurt, pain, bitterness; for all the selfish ambition, pride, and vile utterances; for the way I treated the ones who mattered the most to me.  Through the course of what's going on I keep coming back to my past and I guess using it for the justification over current circumstances.  BUT, you can't do that.  Once forgiven, always forgiven.  In fact, God doesn't even remember it.  He has removed it as far as the east is from the west.  So what is my problem?  Me.  My humanness.  My inability to forgive - myself.

My friend recommended a song to me.  She said I desperately need to listen to it.  I will.  In fact, the words are below.  What I want to do is pray.  I want the Lord to heal me.  I want him to comfort me and tell me what to do next.  I want him to show me the steps to take and that justification does not make it all better.  I want him to give me a peace that transcends all understanding.  I want him to hold me while I cry the tears that have flowed unending for the past few months. I want him to fix it all.

I believe he can!  And I trust him to do so.

Past Your Past
Where do I start she started?
I remember well
A life of disappointment
She just had to tell
Her words were cold and bitter
She grew angry fast
I could tell she needed Jesus
To get her past her past

How can I get beyond it
I listened as she cried
She said I’ve moved away to start again
I’ve failed at all I’ve tried
You see I blamed this man I knew
For the way I have to live
How can I get beyond it all
I said you must forgive

Then you can get past your past
You can walk away from painful memories
Past your past
You don’t have to be alone
You can stand upon the word of God
Your yesterdays can be gone
Let Jesus bring you past your past
Then you can go on

So if you are held captive
By deeds of yesterday
Regardless of how far you’ve run
You don’t think you’ll ever get away
Run on a little farther
To the Father’s mercy throne
There you can find a brand new start
His heart will be your home

Then you can get past your past
You can walk away from painful memories
Past your past
You don’t have to be alone
You can stand upon the word of God
Your yesterdays can be gone
Let Jesus bring you past your past
Then you can go on

Go on, Go on
Let Jesus bring you past your past
Then you can go on