Not Thinking About It

Pretty much means you will.  I have had a rough day lovelies; a really, really rough day. It seems to me that my joy from the first of the month was to be short lived. VERY.SHORT.LIVED.  Life is now back to the same old ebb and flow that it was prior to that day, with one exception, he says he's staying.  Oh, yes, this is a magnificent, glorious declaration; one that makes my heart soar.  But, physically being in a place in no way fulfills the mental and emotional presence that should also accompany being in a place.  So I sit, ever longingly, by my phone willing it to chirp the sound of an incoming text and wishing it to sing the song that is his ringtone.   Regrettably, we are back to one word replies to my many texts, we are back to my wanting and his pushing.  We are back to me, yet again, exposing my heart for the heartache that follows.

I've prayed that this wouldn't happen, yet I knew it would.  I knew, in my heart of hearts, it was a pipe dream.  Why?  I can't compete with those outside forces that have his attentions.  I can't compete with the world.  Me, this girl who just wants her boy, the boy that wants everything but her.  Love is like that, though it shouldn't be.  I'm beginning to think there is no one that will love me for me.  Me this imperfect person.  Me this person God is forming and changing from the inside.  The me that I am. There is a song that exemplifies this - it is called What Love Really Means.  Then a day later a friend of mine posted a picture on Facebook.  I was so perfect, so true, so right.

Romans 5:8

And that's the whole of it.  I keep coming back to this truth. God loves me.  In fact He loves me so much He made me, and then died on a cross so that I may know Him.  Granted, He isn't going to keep me warm at night, He isn't going to share His day with me, He isn't going to look at me with eyes filled with love.  But He won't leave me.  He will be with me everywhere I go.  He will talk to me through out my day all the while reminding me of His presence.  He will comfort me.  He will heal my broken heart.  He will never leave me.

I tried so hard not to post again about my brokenness.  This constant pain that just hurts more and more and more, but I can't shake it.  I've tried.  I think I have good days, but then it hits me like a ton of bricks and when it does I am back on my knees (both actually and metaphorically) praying to the Lord for peace and comfort, for the release of the pain and heartache, for the love of my husband back.  I just want him back.  Oh how I love him.  This man who has been mine for nearly 12 years.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Kitchen Curtains

Image
Have you ever set out to redecorate a room in your home?  I find this one of the most infuriating things to do as a homeowner.  I swear I have used every color of paint known to man on these walls and still struggle to find that one color that just makes me swoon every time I enter the room. Because of this my walls are a lovely, albeit safe, shade of off white; though I am sure it has some fabulous name like - Barely There, Crushed Seashell, or Not Quite White.  But it comes across as truly B-O-R-I-N-G !  I mean, I have an intense personality and I am NOT afraid of color...heaven's you should see what I wear.  So, how do I take that and transform a room, and not spend a week's or a month's salary doing it?  Here's the dilemma.  I don't know what I like!  I know, right?!  How on Earth do I start when I don't know where to start?  Ok, perhaps I do.  I like red.  I like contemporary/modern, bit not overly geometric.  I like floral, but not itty-bitty prints.
Read more

But Would You Still Say Yes?

I've had a busy day.  Run the Littles here and there, flat tire, work from home, spend time with friends, run the Littles here and there again, fix dinner, answer emails - busy.  While waiting for my oldest Little's choir performance to begin I goofed around on my phone, but even that couldn't give my wandering mind rest.  So I silenced my phone and placed it in my purse and pulled out my Bible.  Yes, I carry it everywhere with me.  Yes, I have a phone app, but there is just something altogether more special about turning the pages, feeling the leather binding, holding God's truths in hand.  And I read.  Right where I left off.  Sometimes I think God knows where we are and not just in life, but in all things.  2 Peter 1:5-9: "For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to
Read more

A Slight Wardrobe Modification

In the past couple of days, with my personal studies and with the Women's Bible Study I am in, I have been constantly reminded of one thing.  This thing seems easy enough to know, often feels like a no brainer, is something most some people do not struggle with...  The thing?  Simply, God's Truth.  I'm going to come right out and tell you that I don't always run to God's truth, most especially when I absolutely should. It's embarrassing really, to put this out here, but I don't.  In fact, I will run to myself (the thoughts I can conjure up and the picture I can paint it into - I'll come back to this), my friends, my spouse, other books, but never straight away to the one thing I should run to. In our Bible Study we are doing Priscilla Shirer's: The Armor of God , and are just now on Week 2.  First, Week 1 was intense and humbling and scary and necessary and well, just do me a favor and run out and buy it, Ok? Or better yet, grab a few of your girl
Read more