Thursday, January 3, 2013

Not Thinking About It

Pretty much means you will.  I have had a rough day lovelies; a really, really rough day. It seems to me that my joy from the first of the month was to be short lived. VERY.SHORT.LIVED.  Life is now back to the same old ebb and flow that it was prior to that day, with one exception, he says he's staying.  Oh, yes, this is a magnificent, glorious declaration; one that makes my heart soar.  But, physically being in a place in no way fulfills the mental and emotional presence that should also accompany being in a place.  So I sit, ever longingly, by my phone willing it to chirp the sound of an incoming text and wishing it to sing the song that is his ringtone.   Regrettably, we are back to one word replies to my many texts, we are back to my wanting and his pushing.  We are back to me, yet again, exposing my heart for the heartache that follows.

I've prayed that this wouldn't happen, yet I knew it would.  I knew, in my heart of hearts, it was a pipe dream.  Why?  I can't compete with those outside forces that have his attentions.  I can't compete with the world.  Me, this girl who just wants her boy, the boy that wants everything but her.  Love is like that, though it shouldn't be.  I'm beginning to think there is no one that will love me for me.  Me this imperfect person.  Me this person God is forming and changing from the inside.  The me that I am. There is a song that exemplifies this - it is called What Love Really Means.  Then a day later a friend of mine posted a picture on Facebook.  I was so perfect, so true, so right.

Romans 5:8

And that's the whole of it.  I keep coming back to this truth. God loves me.  In fact He loves me so much He made me, and then died on a cross so that I may know Him.  Granted, He isn't going to keep me warm at night, He isn't going to share His day with me, He isn't going to look at me with eyes filled with love.  But He won't leave me.  He will be with me everywhere I go.  He will talk to me through out my day all the while reminding me of His presence.  He will comfort me.  He will heal my broken heart.  He will never leave me.

I tried so hard not to post again about my brokenness.  This constant pain that just hurts more and more and more, but I can't shake it.  I've tried.  I think I have good days, but then it hits me like a ton of bricks and when it does I am back on my knees (both actually and metaphorically) praying to the Lord for peace and comfort, for the release of the pain and heartache, for the love of my husband back.  I just want him back.  Oh how I love him.  This man who has been mine for nearly 12 years.

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